back to Writings index

Author: Carl Ellis
Title: Conspiracah Theorah
Type of Work: fan fic script
Source: CM and DM, multiple issues

Copyright 2002 Carl Ellis


CONSPIRACAAAH THEORAAAH!!!
A First FAN FIC written by Carl Ellis
08/10/2002

DISCLAIMER: All Characters, Quotes and Events in this FAN FIC even those based on real movies and real events and real companies are entirely fictional. Nothing in this FAN FIC should be believed by anybody. This FAN FIC does not allow the reader to fly. This FAN FIC should not be used as a step. The creator will not be held liable for any injury resulting from the reading of this FAN FIC. Due to IT’S coArse language, GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, CREATIVE SPELLING and graphiC nature, this FAN FIC should not be read by anyone.


<ACT 1>

SCENE: Cartman’s back yard. Cartman has piles of lumber all over the place and has what appears to be the hull of a large boat started.

KYLE: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?

CARTMAN: I’m building an Ark.

KYLE: An Ark? Dude! We are in the worst drought in the state’s history.

STAN: Yeah dude, the whole damn country is in a drought.

PROFESSOR CHAOS <running through>: "That’s because I Professor Chaos am using all the water in my plan to flood the world! Ahhahaha ahahahah!"

<Professor Chaos runs off.>

STAN: Why the hell are you building an Ark, Fatass?

CARTMAN: Because the weatherman said we are approaching El Nino, which will give us more moisture than normal

Stan: So?

CARTMAN: So?! So?! Obviously you guys are unable to see through the cover-up for government conspiracah’s!

KYLE: What government conspiracy?

STAN: What cover up?

CARTMAN: <Sighs> When will you guys grow up and open your eyes? The weatherman drops hints that we are going to get more snow than normal this winter, because the government forecaster has leaked some information to him. Think about it! How would they have any clue how much snow we are going to get this winter? It’s only August! They are trying to set the stage for them to say that we got lots of snow, causing lots of run off in the spring, which is the cause of all the flooding.

TWEEK: F Flooding?! Where? Oh god. Not flooding! I can’t handle flooding!

TOWLIE: <wandering through the screen>: If there’s flooding, you better get to HIGH ground and bring a towel! Get it, HIGH ground?

ALL THE KIDS: Get out of here Towlie!!!!!

TOWLIE: <Wandering away>: I have no idea where I am….I am soooo hungry!

STAN: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?

CARTMAN: I am talking about global warming.

TWEEK: Global warming! Aaaahhh!

KYLE: Global warming? I thought you just said we are going to get more snow this year!

CARTMAN: No. That’s what the weatherman said. Then this spring, when the poles start melting and the oceans start rising, they will tell everyone it is just because we got more snow and more runoff.

STAN: Why would they do that?

CARTMAN: Because then they won’t have to do anything about it and won’t have to take responsibility. That takes all the pressure off of them.

TWEEK: Pressure! What do they know about pressure! I can tell them what pressure is! Pressure is waking up and having no underwear! Pressure is taking the place of a kid who died all the time! Pressure is…

STAN: Calm down Tweek.

TWEEK: Calm down! Calm down! How can I calm down!? I have too much pressure! We’re all going to die and you want me to calm down! Aaaahhh!

KYLE: Cartman, you don’t know anything about global warming.

CARTMAN: I know that when the polar caps melt, it’s gonna be just like that lame ass movie Waterworld! And I am going to have my own Ark, and you guys can’t come aboard! Unless…..

TWEEK: What! But I can’t swim! Aaaahhhh!

KYLE: Unless what Fatass?

CARTMAN: Unless you guys agree to do my bidding and help me build this Ark!

STAN: So you want us to build this Ark for you and do whatever you say, because the weather man says it is going to snow this year?

CARTMAN: Also, did you hear what the professor just said?

STAN: What professor?

CARTMAN: Professor Chaos!

KYLE: Professor Chaos?

CARTMAN: He just admitted to the world flooding

KYLE: Dude. Why would you believe him?

CARTMAN: Hello?. Professor! That means he knows what he is talking about!

KYLE: Dude! Tha…

STAN: <interrupting>: Let it go Kyle. Let it go.

<Stan and Kyle and Tweek all leave Cartman, building his Ark. You can hear Cartman singing the theme to the love boat in the background.>

Floods, exciting and new
Come Aboard. I’ll be exploiting you.
Money, life's sweetest reward.
Let it flow, it floats back to you.

The C-Man Boat soon will be making its maiden run
The C-Man Boat takes something from everyone
Set a course for new riches,
Your mind on world domination.

Eric won't take crap, from anyone
It's an open smile on a hostile shore.
Yes Money! It's Money!

The C-Man Boat soon will be making its maiden run
The C-Man Boat takes something from everyone
Set a course for new riches
Your mind on world domination.

Eric won't take crap from anyone
It's an open smile on a hostile shore.
It's money! It's money! It's money!

It's the C-Man Boat-ah! It's the C-Man Boat-ah!


<ACT 2>

SCENE: Kyle, Tweek and Stan walking through town, come across Cartman hauling his little red wagon full of coins.

KYLE: Cartman. Now what are you doing?

CARTMAN: I am preparing for the future!

STAN: Just how is hauling a wagonload of money preparing for the future?

CARTMAN: <Sighs>. You guys are soooo in the dark. Does the term stock market crash mean anything to you?

STAN: No!

CARTMAN: How about Enron? Adelphia? Worldcom? Quest?

KYLE: What the hell are you talking about Fatass?

CARTMAN: Don’t you guys ever watch the news?

TWEEK: I can’t stand watching the news! It’s too depressing!

CARTMAN: <Sighs>. Ok, you guys remember what I told you about the global warming thing right?

STAN: Yeah, you said it was going to snow.

CARTMAN: NO GODDAMMIT! It is going to flood!

KYLE: No dude, you said the El Nino thingy was going to make it snow a lot.

CARTMAN: NO DAMMIT! I SAID THE POLAR ICE CAPS ARE GOING TO MELT!

TWEEK: Aaugh! First it snows then the ice caps melt? That doesn’t make sense!

CARTMAN: NO GODDAMMIT! There is not going to be any snow! The snow is just a pack of lies!

KYLE: Dude, it snows every year, all fall, winter and spring!

STAN: I thought dry land was the myth?

CARTMAN: Screw you guys. Screw you hippie, Screw you Jew. Screw you Tweek. I am going home.

KYLE: Wait Fatass, tell us what is with all the money?

STAN: Yeah, are you trying to get robbed?

CARTMAN: No. I am keeping myself from getting robbed.

TWEEK: By carrying around a load of money… in a wagon? Are you crazy!! AAHH!

CARTMAN: No Tweek, I am not crazy, all of you are crazy for not helping me.

KYLE: OK Cartman, enlighten us

STAN: Yeah Fatass, lighten the load!

CARTMAN: <Takes a deep breath, struggling not to lose his temper> Ok, I will tell you one time. If you had been listening to the news at all lately, you would know that all the mega corporations are all suddenly going bankrupt, with billions of dollars missing.

KYLE: I have heard my parents talking about that. So?

CARTMAN: It figures your parents would be keeping up on the financial news Kyle

KYLE: What’s that supposed to mean?

CARTMAN: Oh nothing. Anyhow, all these corporate executives that contributed to the Bush campaign are suddenly going on trial, being found guilty and being sent to prison.

STAN: ‘Kay.

CARTMAN: Don’t you see? They aren’t really going to prison, they are going to a secret government location with all the money to ride out the flooding. Then when the world had re-stabilized, they will come out of hiding and take over once again.

STAN: So what are you doing

KYLE: Yeah, you don’t have millions of dollars

CARTMAN: You guys are so lame. The money they have will be all that is left in the world! They will control all the money! I will also be the only other one with money. I will also be in control.

STAN: Cartman, if all the money in the world is destroyed, then money won’t be worth anything

KYLE: Yeah Fatass, people will go back to the barter system.

CARTMAN: They will have billions of dollars stolen from the companies that went bankrupt!

KYLE: Cartman, for them to re-supply the world with money would take trillions, not billions.

STAN: Cartman is going to rival their billions with <putting his pinky to his mouth> Pennies! Muwaahahahaha!

CARTMAN: SHUT-UP HIPPIE! I have that angle figured out too. That is why I have the ark, to store all my stuff in. I can sell or trade what I have!

TWEEK: All what stuff?! Do you have underwear? Coffee! We’ll need coffee and underwear!

CARTMAN: "We" Tweek?

TWEEK: Well…yeah, I don’t want to drown! Aaaahhhh!.

CARTMAN: Are you ready to do my bidding now Tweek?

TWEEK: Yeah, whatever, just don’t let me drown, and make sure we have lots of underwear and coffee ok?!

CARTMAN: Whatever Tweek. You can start by hauling this wagon to my house!

<Cartman and Tweek go off up the street, leaving Kyle and Stan behind. You can hear Cartman fading out talking to Tweek>

CARTMAN: By the way, do YOU have any savings Tweek?

<Cut to just Stan and Kyle>

STAN: Cartman is really going around the bend.

KYLE: Yeah! Do you think this is another one of his schemes, or does he really believe all that crap he has been spouting?

STAN: I don’t know. But he has gotten Tweek to believe him.


<ACT 3 Scene 1>

SCENE: School playground: 8am -before school has started.

< Cartman standing in front of a group of kids.>

CARTMAN:…If you don’t believe me, Tweek will tell you.

TWEEK: I don’t want to tell them! Aaahhh!

CARTMAN: Tweek, tell them the truth.

TWEEK: I don’t want to tell them the truth!

CARTMAN: I WANT THE TRUTH!!! Tweek, Can you handle the truth?

TWEEK: Aaahhh! No, I can’t handle the truth!

CARTMAN: YOU CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH!?! TELL THEM THE TRUTH NOW SOLDIER!!!!!

TWEEK: <stepping forward>. Aaahhh! It’s the truth, the news is full of companies with millions and billions in accounting errors! And the weatherman was talking about El Nino and Monsoons last night!

BUTTERS: So y..you are uh, telling us, that uh, the, the polar ice caps are melting?

CARTMAN: Yes Butters, that is exactly what I am saying.

BUTTERS: < leaving>: Uh, excuse me, I don’t uh, feel so well…

CARTMAN: OK, Butters is a pussy. Anyone else here that can’t handle the truth?

KYLE: <whispering to Stan>: Dude! He’s recruiting! He’s getting a following!

STAN: Yeah! So what do we do?

KYLE: Let me try something.

KYLE: <yelling to Cartman>: Hey Fatass! Is this conspiracy like the Area 51 coverup?

CARTMAN: Kyle, regardless of what you may have read in the tabloids, there have never been any spacecraft recovered by our government. Take my word for it. There's no Area 51. There's no recovered space ship.
STAN: And I suppose the never was an anal probe?

KYLE: And there never was a 20ft radar dish sticking out of your ass?

CARTMAN: GODDAMMIT! THAT WAS A DREAM!!!! THERE ARE NO ALIENS!

<The kids start to murmur>,

CRAIG <Flipping Cartman off>: What about the aliens?

TIMMY: TIMMMMAAHHH!!!

CARTMAN: Ladies and Gentlemen, there are no aliens.

RED: Are the aliens melting the ice caps?

CARTMAN: THERE ARE NO ALIENS! GODDAMMIT KYLE SEE WHAT YOU’VE STARTED!!!!

KYLE: Me? You’re the one preaching government conspiracy!

CARTMAN: I’m talking about flooding and you bring up aliens!

TWEEK: The aliens are in on this too? Aaahhhh!

CARTMAN: NO! THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS ALIENS!!!

TWEEK: Aaahhh! But you just said the government was in a conspiracy with the aliens! Aaahh!

CARTMAN: NO I DIDN"T! I SAID THERE ARE NO ALIENS!!! THE GOVERNMENT IS COVERING UP THE ICE CAPS MELTING!!!

TWEEK: Oh god! I can’t handle this. Governments, aliens! Too much pressure!! AAAHHHHH!!!!


<ACT 3 Scene 2>

<The bell rings for the start of school, all the kids go inside.>

SCENE: : 4th grade classroom. All the kids are sitting at their desks. No teacher is in the room. You can see the clock moving in accelerated time. In three hours, the kids have just sat there, looking at each other. Doing nothing more than blinking.

<Slow to normal time>

STAN: This really sucks dude. We still don’t have a teacher.

KYLE: Yeah, I am tired of coming to school and sitting here staring at a blank chalkboard for 6 hours a day.

CARTMAN: <heading for the door>: Well, I for one, have better things to do.

CRAIG: <flips Cartman off>: Where are you going Fatass?

CARTMAN: Home. Screw you guys, I am going home. I am not sitting here and wasting another day, that I could have to build my Ark. The flood will be here before you know it. While all of you stay here staring at a blank chalkboard, I am going to finish my Ark.

<Cartman leaves the room.>

<All the kids look at each other for a minute. They start to get up to leave when Professor Chaos jumps into the doorway holding two aerosol cans.>

PROFESSOR CHAOS: Ah Ha HA HA HA. It is I, Professor Chaos! I am…

LUNCH BELL: Riiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggg

<All the kids jump up and storm out of the class, trampling Professor Chaos in the process.>

PROFESSOR CHAOS: Awww Gee whiz.

SCENE: The lunch Room, Stan Kyle and Tweek in line to get food. Tweek has Jello already on his tray and it is shaking like mad.

TWEEK: I hate Jello! It won’t ever stay still!

CHEF: Hello Children!

ALL THREE: Hey Chef.

CHEF: How’s it going?

ALL THREE: Bad.

CHEF: Why bad? And where’s your little fat friend?

STAN: That’s why it is going bad. Cartman is going on about global warming and the polar ice caps melting, and some government conspiracy to cover it up.

CHEF: Where did he get that from?

KYLE: He says he has been watching it all on TV. But none of us has seen anything that proves what he says.

CHEF: A good conspiracy is unprovable children. I mean, if you can prove it, it means they screwed up somewhere along the line. Now what conspiracy has he found that was more important than lunch?

KYLE: He says the government is covering up the icecaps melting and that all the corporate bigwigs are going into hiding in secret government flood proof locations with billions of dollars in corporate funds.

CHEF: Wow. That explains a lot. Well, kids, I gotta go. I have some phone calls to make.

<Chef takes off running.>

KYLE: Dude! I think Chef believes what Cartman is saying!

STAN: This is fucked up. Hey, wait a minute. Cartman left before lunch.

KYLE: So?

STAN: Cartman never misses a meal!

KYLE: Holy Shit. This must be for real then! What do we do now?

STAN: I think we have no choice. We have to join Cartman.

KYLE: Let’s not get that extreme just yet.


<ACT 3 Scene 3>

SCENE: Outside on the playground.

<Cartman comes running up, out of breath.>

CARTMAN: You guys! You guys!

KYLE: What are you doing back here Fatass?

STAN: Yeah, you missed lunch!

CARTMAN: Seriously you guys! You will never guess what I have just heard!

TWEEK: The aliens are no longer melting the icepacks?

CARTMAN: <Takes a deep breath>.: For the last time Tweek, there are no aliens. Now, do you guys want to hear what I just heard?

TWEEK: Yes! Yes! The suspense is killing me!!! AAAAHHHH!

CARTMAN: OK, I heard they are finding crop circles all over the place now.

KYLE: Dude, that is a movie!

CARTMAN: I know there is a movie, but they are finding them in real life!

STAN: But you just said there are no aliens.

CARTMAN: That’s Right! There are no aliens. This is another part of the Government Conspirach!

STAN: How?

CARTMAN: They are trying to make us think there are aliens, to distract us from the real problems! Think about it. If everyone is looking for aliens and worrying about aliens, they won’t notice what else is going on.

KYLE: So why do you think they are not done by aliens?

CARTMAN: Why would someone travel billions of miles just to do graffiti in some farmer’s field?

STAN: Why don’t we ask your ass?

CARTMAN: I am going to pretend I didn’t hear that.

KYLE: Dude, he is starting to make sense.

TWEEK: So, What now? Aaahhhh!

CARTMAN: First, we need to finish the Ark, then we need to stock it with supplies, then we need to get all of the money we can.

TWEEK: You already have all my money! AAAHHH!

KYLE: Um, why all the money?

CARTMAN: If we can come up with enough money, we can become a world power!

TWEEK: Where are we going to get more money?

CARTMAN: Hmmm. I guess I will have to allow more people onto my boat.

TWEEK: We’re gonna need to build a bigger boat!!!! AAHHHH!

KYLE: So Cartman, how are you going to get more kids.

CARTMAN: Oh, I have a speech I heard that I think will do the job. You guy’s round everybody up.


<ACT 3 Scene 4>

SCENE: Cut to Cartman standing on a Soapbox outside the school. All the school kids have gathered around.

<While Cartman is talking, more and more adults stop to listen.>

CARTMAN: "…Mankind. That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interest. Perhaps it is fate that today is the fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution . . . but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice that we will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"

KYLE: Does this speech sound familiar to you?

TWEEK: What’s he talking about? It’s not the 4th of July!!! AaaaaHhhh

STAN: I think it is from Independence Day.

KYLE: The movie about the Aliens? Why……? Never mind.

<As soon as Cartman finishes the speech, everyone starts cheering. Cartman starts heading to where he is building the Ark, with what seems to be the entire town behind him.>

SCENE: Camera view from other side of town. In the foreground you can see the whole town, and behind it is an Ark twice the size of the town.

< Hundreds of people are crawling all over the Ark finishing it.>

<Cut to the Ark.>

<Cartman is directing a group of ten adults, building a small boat.>

STAN: Cartman, what are you doing?

CARTMAN: I’m building a lifeboat.

KYLE: A lifeboat?!

CARTMAN: Yes, a Lifeboat Kyle! If something happens to the Ark, I want to survive!

TWEEK: What about the rest of us?!?!? AAAAHHH I can’t swim!

CARTMAN: Don’t worry Tweek, you’re a survivor. Nothing will happen to the Ark. I just like to have this for my own peace of mind.

CARTMAN: <shouting into a bullhorn.>: OK, now we need to get the vault on board and secured!

<A crane picks a giant safe up and sets it into the hold of the Ark.>

CARTMAN: That’s good! Now everyone, listen to me! This is crucial. We need to get supplies into the Ark to last all of us for at least a year. We need to get this right away before anyone catches on to what we are doing! We will also need to collect as much cash as possible! We will need enough to rival the government protected corporate CEO’s! This is a matter of life or death people. Get the money by any means possible!!!! Bring it here, and we will secure it in the vault for this spring! Remember, Democracy, Capitalism and the American way of life depend on you!!!!

<The crowd scatters.>


<ACT 4 Scene 1>

<South Park News Broadcast>

ANCHOR: This just in, a crime wave seems to have swept over Colorado. Grocery stores are being ransacked, and every convenience store in the state has been held up at least twice in that past 24 hours. We go now to the Denver Police headquarters with a Midget Dressed like Little Red Riding Hood. Hello??

ANCHOR: This just in, Our midget has just been stolen. Here to report on the stolen midget is O. Fayce.

OFAYCE: OOOOH! OOOOH! Yes our midget has been stolen. Midget theft is on the rise in America. Midgets everywhere are in extreme danger. Not only midgets, but lawn gnomes as well. Just last weekend, I thought someone had stolen my lawn gnome. I went outside and right where my lawn gnome was supposed to be, was an empty patch of grass. Can you imagine the terror I experienced? My lawn gnome was gone! First I thought maybe someone stole it. Then, I thought, maybe it ran away. I beat myself up pretty badly over what I could have done different. I could just picture my lawn gnome living a life on the street. Selling itself for a dime bag here, a dime bag there. It was horrible, just horrible! Then, I noticed, at the edge of my yard, the neighbor’s dog was doing something. I thought it might be sick. The way it’s back kept moving, I thought it might be throwing up. I walked over to see, and there was my gnome, being humped by…

ANCHOR: And that is all we have at the moment on the COLORADO CRIME SPREE. Stay tuned over the next 72 hours, as we rehash the fact that there is a COLORADO CRIME SPREE going on, and nobody knows why or what to do about the COLORADO CRIME SPREE. We will be speaking with professors from universities across the state as we probe deeper into the COLORADO CRIME SPREE. We will speak with victims of the COLORADO CRIME SPREE. We will speak with uninformed police spokespersons who have no information for us regarding the COLORADO CRIME SPREE! We may even speak with alleged perpetrators of other crimes that in no way relate to the COLORDO CRIME SPREE. We will explore gang relations, mafia ties, full moons and crack cocaine and ways they have nothing to do with the COLORADO CRIME SPREE. We will interview anyone who will talk to us regardless of his or her knowledge of the COLORADO CRIME SPREE and how it affects YOU! We will search out the most ignorant of residents and advise them of the COLORADO CRIME SPREE, then get their reactions and opinions regarding the COLORADO CRIME SPREE. We will be bringing you updates with no new information regarding the COLORADO CRIME SPREE every 30 seconds. We will schedule SPECIAL REPORTS to cover the COLORADO CRIME SPREE and bring you EXTRA PROGRAMING to cover the total lack of information we have on the COLORADO CRIME SPREE. So stay tuned as we find new way of saying we have no new information regarding the COLORADO CRIME SPREE for the next 72 hours. Up next, the COLORADO CRIME SPREE 2002, SPECIAL EXTRA REPORT.


<ACT 4 Scene 2>

SCENE: Back at the Ark, Cartman is directing a line of people dumping money into a giant funnel leading to vault in the Ark. You can see the feet of several midgets sticking out of the cash and coins along with several lawn gnomes.

CARTMAN: AY! Who keeps throwing midgets into the vault?! This is for money only!!! The midgets go in the circus vault!!!!

TWEEK: Ok, Cartman…aaahhhh. They have exactly 80,000 pounds of Cheesey Poofs!

STAN: 80,000 pounds?!?! I thought you said just a year’s supply of everything!

CARTMAN: That is a years supply! AND I’M NOT SHARING THEM EITHER!!!

KYLE: Um guys? I was just running some numbers through my head…

CARTMAN: Yeah you Jews are good at that. I was thinking about hiring you to be our official accountant Kyle.

KYLE: Shut Up Fatass!

STAN: So what numbers were you running?

KYLE: Well, according to my calculations, even if both poles melted all together in the same year, 100%… the water would never reach Denver, much less South Park.

STAN: Soooo what are you saying?

KYLE: This is all just a big waste. This Ark will never see water!

<All the people at the Ark are starting to gather around Kyle and Eric listening to Kyle.>

CARTMAN: What are you talking about? Of course this Ark will see water! Didn’t you see Waterworld! The whole planet was covered!!!

KYLE: Dude! That was a lame movie! It wasn’t based on any kind of fact! There isn’t enough ice on land to raise the water levels this high! The only places that are in trouble are the coasts!

CARTMAN: Screw those hippies! I don’t care about a bunch of beach bums and surf hippies!

CARTMAN: <under control again> So how am I supposed to get this thing to water then Kyle. Huh. If you’re so smart!

KYLE: Dude, you don’t need an Ark. That’s what I am saying! The Flood wouldn’t reach here.

PEOPLE: No flood? Then why are we wasting our time here?! Let’s hit the bars to celebrate!!!

<The entire crowd runs off, leaving just the boys.>


<ACT 4 Scene 3 FINALE>

TWEEK: You mean we have to take all this stuff back?!! Aahhhhh! I can’t make that many more trips!

CARTMAN: NO! YOUR ARE NOT TAKING ANY OF THIS BACK! KYLE IS PART OF THE GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACH! HE IS TRYING TO GET US TO ABANDON THIS SO THERE WILL BE NO RIVALS TO THE GOVERNMENTS POWER!!!!

KYLE: What?

STAN: Dude?

KYLE: I am not part of any conspiracy!

TWEEK: Aaahhhh! I can’t handle this!

BUTTERS <walks up>: So uh Kyle, you s..say uh there is uh n..n..no way there will uh be uh a flood to wipe out the world?

KYLE: That is exactly what I am saying. Go figure it out yourself.

BUTTERS: Aw geez. Another failure.

STAN: What failure?

BUTTERS: Uhhh N Never m mind. I uh don’t f feel so good. I uh gotta go.

CARTMAN: DON’T BELIEVE HIM! HE IS PART OF THE COVER UP!

KYLE: Dude! Go look it up on the internet!

CARTMAN: The internet is controlled by the government!

KYLE: Then do the math yourself!

CARTMAN: AY! I don’t need to do any math! I watched the movie! I know what is going to happen! Your stupid MATH Kyle! Does that explain where all the money has gone?!?!

KYLE: Well, I can’t really explain it, but my dad says the money was never there in the first place. All these firms were counting "Good will" as money. Now that has all come to light, and they are having to redo their books and only count the money and other stuff, leaving the "Good will" out.

TWEEK: Aaahhhh How can you count good will as money?!!

KYLE: You can’t. That is what is happening now. They tried to do that, and it was all fraud.

STAN: Dude. That’s fucked up!

CARTMAN: I DON"T CARE WHAT YOU SAY KYLE! THERE IS A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY AND I AM GOING TO SURVIVE IT!

STAN: You know, if there really was a conspiracy, Eric would have been snatched up by federal agents long before he made it this far.

CARTMAN: SCREW YOU GUYS! GO HOME!

STAN: You know, I’ve learned something today. We should never believe anything Fatass ever thinks up.

<Cut to scene of the town, in accelerated motion. Fires rage through Colorado for the rest of the fall, heavy winter snows fall, then the spring melt begins.>

SCENE: School playground. The playground is ankle deep in water from the spring melt. Cartman is sitting by himself staring across the town at his Ark, still sitting there.

CARTMAN: <Sighs>: All my hopes, all my dreams. It looks like Kyle was right.

<A mudslide starts from one of the mountains above town. It rolls through town, picks up the Ark and starts heading towards Denver.>

CARTMAN: AY! GODDAMMIT! MY ARK! MY CHEESEY POOFS! MY $10 MILLION DOLLARS!! NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

SCENE: Stan, Kyle and Tweek are looking at the rut the Ark left going through the town. It runs right through the cemetery. Several graves have been exposed and caskets carried off.

<One casket opens and Kenny climbs out.>

STAN: Oh hey Kenny.

KYLE: Welcome back Kenny.

TWEEK: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

THE END.


<CREDITS>

Written by Carl Ellis AKA The Albino Chewbacca

With special thanks to Mek for the use of events from Lifeboats Suck and Surviving South Park.

Based on characters and ideas from South Park

South Park was created by Matt Stone & Trey Parker and is the intellectual property of Comedy Central. No infringement on their rights is intended nor should be inferred. This fan fic was written as an homage to all the people who bring South Park to life.

(The above quote was written word for word from Mek’s South Park Fan Fics. Sounds good to me!)