Author: Carl Ellis
Title: Winter Olympics
Type of Work: fan fic script
Source: CM and DM, multiple issues
© Copyright 2002 Carl Ellis
A FAN FIC written by
All Characters, Quotes and Events in this FAN FIC even those based on real movies and real events and real PEOPLE are entirely fictional. Nothing in this FAN FIC should be believed by anybody. This FAN FIC does not allow the reader to fly. This FAN FIC should not be used as a step. This Fan Fic is not dishwasher safe. This fan fic is non-microwavable. The creator will not be held liable for any injury resulting from the reading, use and/or misuse of this FAN FIC. Due to IT'S coArse language, GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, CREATIVE SPELLING and graphiC nature, this FAN FIC should not be read by anyone.
ACT 1 SCENE 1
SCENE: 4th Grade classroom. Mr. Mackey and Mrs. Chokesondick are standing the front of the room, holding a letter.
MRS. CHOKESONDICK: OK class, I have just received information that the school has been given several passes to the winter Olympics in Salt Lake City this year.
MRS CHOKESONDICK: Mr. Mackey and myself will be the chaperones.
MR. MACKEY: We don't have enough tickets for everybody to go, mmkay? We will need to come up with some?way? to give the passes out fairly, mmkay? Maybe a contest of some sort, mmkay?
<All the kids start shouting ideas>
KENNY: Mmhowph mmaboutph mmweph mmgoph mmbyph mmdickph mmsizeph!
KYLE: How about giving it to kids with little brothers!
WENDY: How about to the ones with the best grades?
MRS CHOKESONDICK: Now that's a good idea?.
CARTMAN: AYYY! That's not fair to everybody! That's only fair to the nerds!!! We should have a pie- eating contest!
WENDY: Oh like anyone could eat more than you ass master!
CARTMAN: Ayyy! You stupid?
STAN: Give them to kids with dogs!
RED: Give them to kids with red hair!
BEBE: Give them to the prettiest!
BAILEY and WENDY: Yeah!!!
DOGPOO: Give them to the dirtiest!
BAILEY: He didn't mean the dirtiest mind!
KENNY: Mmfuckph mmyouph!
CRAIG: <flipping Kenny off>: It should go to me!
TWEEK: Just give them to somebody! Aahhh! I can't handle this pressure!!
TOKEN: How about we do a raffle?
KENNY: MmBecauseph mmonlyph mmyouph mmcouldph mmbuyph mmticketsph mmrichfuckerph!!!
MRS CHOKESONDICK: That's enough! Kenny, go to the office!
<Kenny leaves the room>
BUTTERS: How about, uh, w..we have a..a contest to come up with the, uh, best contest?
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay! You kids have so many great ideas, mmkay. How about we have a contest, mmkay, about who comes up with the best idea for a contest mmakay?
KYLE: So we all submit ideas for a contest, then you pick which is the best contest, and then who ever wins that contest gets the tickets?
MR MACKEY: No, mmkay. Who ever comes up with the best idea for a contest, mmkay, gets the tickets. See? Mmkay?
STAN: So we don't actually have to do the contest we come up with?
MRS CHOKESONDICK: No, you just have to come up with an idea. The sky is the limit.
BUTTERS: W..wait a minute! T..that w..was my, uh, idea!
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay! You kids will have 3 days to come up with and idea mmkay. You will need to write it down and turn it in to your teacher mmkay? Any other questions?
BUTTERS: This uh, was m..my idea. Do uh, I still h..have to do it?
MR MACKEY: Great! Mmkay! Since you kids don't have any more questions, mmaky, you had better get working! Mmkay!
BUTTERS: Awww. Gee whiz.
ACT 1 SCENE 2
SCENE: Mr. Mackey's office. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey and Mrs. Chokesondick are lecturing to Kenny
MR MACKEY: Young man, you need to clean up your mouth mmkay!
KENNY: Mmkissph mmmyph mmassph!
MRS CHOKESONDICK: <remembering the advise given her by Garrison>: P...present it.
<Kenny turns around and moons her>
MR MACKEY: Now it is just that type of behavior that I am trying to address here! Mmkay!
KENNY: Mmsheph mmtoldph mmmeph mmtoph!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Uh Mrs. Chokesondick, why in the world would you tell him that?
MRS CHOKESONDICK: Well, I uh?
KENNY: MmBecauseph mmsheph mmisph mmaph mmchildph mmmolesterph!!!
MRS CHOKESONDICK: What? I am not a child molester!
Principal Victoria: Oh dear god not again.
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay! We all need to settle down here mmkay?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Young man, if you were given a ticket to the Olympics, would you forget any of this ever happened?
KENNY: Mmfourph mmticketsph!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: I don't know if we can do 4 tickets?.
MR MACKEY: Mmkay, now just wait a minute mmkay?
KENNY: Mmsheph mmtoldph mmmeph mmtoph mmshowph mmmyph mmassph, mmandph mmallph mmofph mmyouph mmlookedph!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: 4 tickets it is!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Mrs. Chokesondick, in light of what just happened here, I think it is best that I take your place as a chaperone.
MR. MACKEY: Aww gee whiz. Mmkay.
ACT 2 SCENE 1
SCENE: Lunchroom, Eric, Kyle Kenny and Stan are going through the line.
CHEF: Hello children! How's it going?
KYLE: Great Chef!
CHEF: Why bad?
STAN: We didn't say bad this time Chef, things are going good!
CHEF: What? Things are going good? Well? Why good?
STAN: Kenny scored tickets to the Olympics for all of us!
CHEF: The Olympics you say? Why that reminds me of a song?..
KIDS: See you Chef!
<The kids take their trays and walk off, just as Chef starts to sing>
CHEF: <singing>: I am going to ski down your soft glistening slopes lady. I am going to ski your downhill run! I am going to ski your moguls, just because it's fun. Then when the skiing is over, I 'm going to lay you down by the fire?
<Mrs. Chokesondick walks up in the lunch line and stops in front of Chef as he is singing>
CHEF: <still singing, hasn't seen Mrs. Chokesondick yet>: and we can practice the bobsled run! Ooooo baby, I will mount your moguls, and make a downhill run?
MRS CHOKESONDICK: Oh my, I never knew you felt?
CHEF: <startled from his song> GOOD GOD WOMAN! Don't ever sneak up on a man that way! <Slaps a spoon full of chipped beef on her plate. > Now get away from here, you're scaring the children!
ACT 2 SCENE 2
CAPTION: 3 days later?
MRS CHOKESONDICK: OK class, today is the deadline. Please pass your contest papers forward.
<Mrs. Chokesondick collects all the papers>
MRS CHOKESONDICK: OK class, now we will go through these tonight and the winners will be announced tomorrow.
WENDY: We have to wait until tomorrow?!
MRS CHOKESONDICK: Yes Wendy, it will take time to sort through all of your ideas and judge the best ones.
BEBE: Will you announce the ideas along with the winners?
MRS CHOKESONDICK: Um, we'll see. Class dismissed.
ACT 2 SCENE 3
SCENE: Teachers Lounge. Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat, Mr. Mackey, Mrs. Chokesondick, Principal Victoria, Mr. Adler and several other teachers are all in the room. They are all folding up papers into paper airplanes. A close up shows a paper with Butters' name on it and a title "My contest idea", just as it is being folded into an airplane.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Such a delicate process, choosing between the submissions.
MRS CHOKESONDICK: Has anyone ever considered actually reading these?
<All the teachers stop and stare at her for a second, then the all burst out laughing, including Chokesondick. >
MR. GARRISON: <wiping tears from his eyes>: Oh my god, that is the funniest thing I ever heard. Imagine Mr. Hat, actually reading what students write!
MR ADLER (shop teacher) <holding a hula-hoop> OK, stop screwing around. Throw the paper airplanes from there across the room, and whichever ones make it through the hoop, win.
<Everyone throws the airplanes at the same time. The entire screen is filled with flying airplanes, in the background you hear someone yell, "OW MY EYE!">
ACT 2 SCENE 4
SCENE: Classroom, Mrs. Chokesondick reading from a list.
MRS CHOKESONDICK: Ok class, after much debate and deliberation, we have finally chosen the winners. Now before I announce the winners, I want to congratulate all of you on your hard work. There were many great ideas submitted, and it was a difficult task to pick so few. The winners are; Kenny, Eric, <cut to view of the class, Wendy has a stunned look on her face, cut back to Mrs. Chokesondick> Kyle, Stan, Timmy, Tweek, Butters, Bebe and Wendy. You kids will have to fill out permission slips and return them tomorrow so we can make the travel arrangements.
<She hands out permission slips to the kids, who immediately sign them and turn them back in>
MRS CHOKESONDICK: Alrighty then. Go home and tell your parents the good news. Class dismissed!
ACT 2 SCENE 5
SCENE: Outside the school, Wendy and Bebe have Eric, Kenny, Stan and Kyle cornered.
WENDY: Tell me Fatass! What was your idea that was so great!
CARTMAN: Ayyy! I don't have to answer to any stupid girl! I'm not telling you anything!
KENNY: Mmbiteph mmmeph!!
WENDY: <running a finger along Stan's cheek>Staaaannnn what was your contest idea?
<Stan pukes all over her>
WENDY: Ew! Gross! Let's get out of here!
BEBE: <to Wendy as they are leaving>: I wonder if we can sneak from room to room during the trip.
ACT 3 SCENE 1
SCENE: In front of the school, the kids chosen for the field trip are all lined up at the bus. Ms. Crabtree is the driver.
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay, looks like everyone is here. Has everyone made a restroom stop? Mmkay?
KIDS: Yes. Mmkay.
MR MACKEY: Does everyone have his or her suitcase? Mmkay?
KIDS: Yes. Mmkay.
MR MACKEY: Mmkay.
MR MACKEY: Mmkay, everyone one the bus. Mmkay.
<All the kids climb in and take seats. Timmy gets hoisted on via a lift. Wendy and Bebe take a seat together and start chatting>
STAN: Great, of all the bus drivers, we get this bitch.
CRABTREE: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
STAN: I said, I wish I were rich.
CRABTREE: Oh, yeah me too. Now SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay, this will be a long trip mmkay, I don't think?
CRABTREE: I SAID SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
MR MACKEY: Mmkay.
<Crabtree takes off in a cloud of dust. The cloud clears to an exterior shot of the bus driving down hwy 285 towards Denver. Cut to a close up of Crabtree, wrenching the wheel to the left and right, like she is having trouble keeping the bus on the road at a high speed. Cut to wide exterior shot, the bus is moving about 10 mph with a line of cars behind it over a mile long. >
CARTMAN: Ladies and Gentlemen, There is a bomb on the bus.
BEBE: <Breaking her conversation> A Buh?
CARTMAN: No, not a buh, a bomb. It is set to go off if we exceed the speed of 15 miles per hour. Now I want all of you to?.
CRABTREE: I SAID SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!!
<The kids ride in silence as an exterior shot shows the bus turn on to Hwy C470 heading north to I-70>
<cut back to interior>
CARTMAN: <Talking from the side of his mouth, attempting to disguise his voice>: I have to go to the bathroom!
MR MACKEY: Whoever that was, mmkay, you will have to hold it. I told you to make sure you went before we left! Mmkay.
CARTMAN: <Disguising his voice a different way>: Are we there yet?
MR MACKEY: No, mmkay, and don't start asking that. Mmkay. This is going to be a very long trip. Mmkay.
CARTMAN: <Not disguising his voice>: How much longer?
MR MACKEY: Now Eric, if you don't knock that off, mmkay, you will have to ride up here with me. Mmkay.
STAN: <Attempting to imitate Cartman's voice>: Are we there yet?
KYLE: <Attempting to imitate Cartman's voice>: Are we there yet?
All the kids, imitating Cartman: Are we there yet?
TIMMY: Timmah timmah TIMMAHHH!
CRABTREE: IF YOU DON"T SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP THE CUTE LITTLE BUNNY GETS IT!!!!
<The kids are quiet for about 10 seconds, then start singing 100 Bottles of Beer on the wall>
MR MACKEY: OK kids, mmkay, now alcohol is bad, mmkay. So let's not sing about it mmkay. Maybe you can use something else?
KYLE: 100 pipes of crack on the wall?
MR MACKEY: NO NO NO!! Mmkay. Drugs are bad, mmkay. How about you try something that is not drug or alcohol related.
STAN: 100 semi automatic weapons on the wall?
MR MACKEY: No! Mmkay! That's not right either. Can't you kids sing about something wholesome?
KYLE: You mean like 100 child molesting priests on the wall?
STAN: How about 100 SCUD missiles on the wall?
WENDY: How about 100 bottles of Prozac on the wall?
CARTMAN: Why don't we have a contest to see who can come up with the best thing to sing about?
BUTTERS: H..hey, that was what I was going to say!
TWEEK: I can't keep up on this song! What are we singing about? When do we get to 99? AAHHH!
<Cut to exterior of the bus, driving off into the distance>
ACT 4 SCENE 1
SCENE: The bus pulling up in front of a hotel in Salt Lake City.
<cut to inside the bus, Tweek is talking to Mackey>
TWEEK: ?Even if the nervous tick doesn't go away, you will get used to it. Aahhhh! I have!
<Mackey looks like he has been through a war zone. His hair is messed up, his shirttail is hanging out, his tie is undone and his head keeps twitching like Tweeks, drool is running out of the corner of his mouth, and he keeps mumbling, "mmk mmk", unable to get a full mmkay out. He slowly stands up and gets off the bus. Principal Victoria comes running out of the hotel. >
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Glad you made it ok. I am sooo sorry, but I just have this fear of traveling on buses. Airplanes are so much safer. <she leans her head into the bus> OK children, lets line up out here, along the side of the bus.
<As the kids start to get off the bus, 2 Mormon missionaries run up and start handing them pamphlets. >
KYLE: No thank you.
MISSIONARY: Go ahead take it, there is not pressure. We just want to provide you with the truth about our religion.
TWEEK: What do you mean no pressure! There's always too much pressure! Aahhh!
KYLE: <Taking the pamphlet> Well, OK, but I'm Jewish.
<The missionary grabs the pamphlet away from him>
ACT 4 SCENE 2
SCENE: The kids are all lined up outside the bus with their luggage in hand. Timmy's is in his lap. Mackey is tied to travois hooked to the back of Timmy's chair.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Ok children follow me.
<She leads the kids to 2 hotel rooms, joined by a common door. >
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: OK, the boys will sleep in this room with Mr. Mackey, and the girls and I will share this other room here.
WENDY: We don't get our own rooms?
CARTMAN: There are only two beds in there? Where are we all supposed to sleep?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Well, some of you could share the beds, and?.
ALL THE BOYS: UH UH! NO WAY!!!!
TIMMY: TIM MAAHH!!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: ?the rest of you can sleep on the floor.
KYLE: This sucks!
<Just then, what appears to be the entire American Winter Olympic teams pushes past the kids, goes down the hall to other rooms.>
STAN: Dude! Wasn't that??
CARTMAN: Sweeeeeeeet! DIBS ON A BED!
BUTTERS: I..I guess t..that means the, uh, rest of us, uh, sleep on the floor.
< the kids all file into their respective rooms, the boys stuff Mackey, still semi-catatonic, in the closet>
ACT 4 SCENE 3
SCENE: Girls room. All is quiet and dark. Cut to Boys room. The TV is blaring, the lights are on and they are bouncing off the walls, having a major pillow fight. They have their faces painted and are wearing just their underwear. Underoos to be specific. (Lord of the Flies type stuff) Tweek has found a coffee maker in the room, and is drinking it as quickly as it brews. Timmy is racing around the room in his chair. Cartman jumps on a bed, it breaks, several springs poke through.
KYLE: HA! Serves you right Fatass! Well, you can have dibs on that bed!!!
CARTMAN: Damn it! Butters! You want the bed don't you?
BUTTERS: Uh, n..not now I, uh, don't.
CARTMAN: How about you Kenny? You're probably used to that type of bed.
KENNY: mmfuckph mmyouph!
<The door between rooms opens just a crack; Wendy and Bebe are peeking in>
WENDY: <Whispers to Bebe>: Do you still want to sneak in?
BEBE: No. Not with all that going on. But we can still check out Kyle's butt!!!
<A figure can be seen in silhouette, leaving the boys' room. >
WENDY: Did you see that?
BEBE: Kyle's butt?
WENDY: No! It looked like someone left the room.
WENDY: I couldn't tell. They are all bouncing around so much, I can't tell who is there and who isn't.
<Cut to the hallway, Professor Chaos is racing to the end of the hall>
ACT 4 SCENE 4
SCENE: The front desk of the hotel. Professor Chaos's hand can be seen reaching up and ringing a bell, then disappearing below the counter. A clerk walks to the counter, looking around. While the clerk is looking for a customer, Professor Chaos can be seen behind the clerk grabbing a key card.
<Cut to the elevator interior, Professor Chaos is standing in the middle of the elevator, alone. >
PROFESSOR CHAOS: AH HAH HAH HAH! Now I have the master key to all the rooms! I will strike every hotel in the city! AH HAHAHAHAH
<The previous scene at the front desk is repeated several times, at different hotels. Professor Chaos can be seen running in and out of hotel rooms all over town. >
ACT 4 SCENE 5
SCENE: Hilltop overlooking the city. Professor Chaos is standing on the hill, looking out over the city.
PROFESSOR CHAOS: AAAHAHAHAHA! My plan is complete! I have turned the air-conditioners on in every hotel room in the city! The Olympics will grind to a frozen halt!!!!
<Suddenly the entire city goes dark, as the power being used exceeds the city's ability to handle it. >
PROFESSOR CHAOS: <now standing in darkness>: W..Well, this is an uh, unexpected side effect. THIS IS EVEN BETTER!!! AHAHA WITH NO POWER THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO COMPETE!!!! I uh, wish I had a flashlight though. I..It's awfully dark out here. N..not that I..I'm afraid of the d..dark. It's just hard to see where y..you are going. Ooof. <Trips in the dark>
ACT 4 SCENE 6
SCENE: back at the hotel, all the boys are now asleep, Butters sneaks into the room, lays down on the floor and covers up with a blanket. He has twigs and leaves stuck in his hair. He quickly goes to sleep. As soon as he is asleep, the power comes back on. All the boys sleep through the lights coming back on. >
ACT 5 SCENE 1
SCENE: Next morning, the kids are at the Bobsled course. They are dressed in red, white and blue. A Coach, wearing a Team USA jacket comes over to them.
COACH: Psst! Hey you boys!
<They boys all turn as one. >
COACH: You guys ever do any sledding?
CARTMAN: Damn Right we have! You are looking at the best sled team in all of South Park!
COACH: Come with me, I want to show you something.
<The boys all follow the man up to the top of the course, where there are several Bobsleds and Luge sleds. >
COACH: You guys ever see the events that use these?
BOYS: No. What are they?
COACH: This is the Bobsled and the Luge.
BOYS: Bob's sled and a leugey?
COACH: No, Bobsled and Luge. See boys, I am the coach for Team USA. None of the team can compete this morning. They were practicing last night, after their runs yesterday, when the whole city went dark.
BUTTERS: Uh, what, uh happened to them?
COACH: Well, they couldn't see the track, and they wrecked. Beat them up pretty bad. They will be out for at least 3 months.
BUTTERS: Aw geez, that wasn't supposed to happen.
KYLE: So why are you showing us this.
COACH: Boys, how would you like to compete for Team USA?
STAN: Don't you have to train and stuff?
COACH: Not when you have your kind of experience.
CARTMAN: SWEET! I'm gonna be in the Olympics! I'll be an Olympic athlete!
COACH: Um, what are you talking about fat kid?
CARTMAN: AAYYY! I'm not fat! I'm just filled out!
COACH: Well fatso, I was talking to these other boys here, who look like they could compete.
KYLE: As much as I hate to admit it, He is the reason we won all our sled races.
STAN: Yeah, his fat ass is unbeatable.
COACH: HMMMM. It just might work.
TWEEK: What might work? AAHHH!
COACH: Well, if I can get you boys to compete for Team USA, we won't have to forfeit our places. The athletes turned in great times yesterday. There is still a chance at winning medals. Heck, you guys might even survive..I mean win. How about it? You boys want to be in the Olympics?
COACH: OK, lets divide you up. Who was on the sled team?
KYLE: Cartman, Stan, Kenny and myself.
COACH: Ok, you four over here to this bobsled. Let's see, that leaves the wimpy kid and the shaky kid and the kid in the wheel chair.
BUTTERS: Uh, I'm Butters, this is Tweek and he is Timmy.
COACH: OK, whatever. Shaky kid, you and the wimp will do the 2man bobsled. Bigheaded kid, you can do the individual luge.
ACT 5 SCENE 2
SCENE: Timmy wheels on to the course, in his wheelchair, wearing the Team USA outfit and oversized helmet.
<The buzzer sounds, and Timmy takes off down the hill. A montage of shots of Timmy going through turns follows, with him yelling or screaming, or both, in each shot>
TIMMY: TIIIIIMMMMMAAAAYYYY!!!! TIMMAAHH? TIMMAAHHHHHH!!! GOOOOOOOBLLLLLLLEEEESSSSS! TIMMMMAAHHH??? TIM TIM TIMMAAHHHHHHHH!
<Cut to Wendy, Bebe, and Principal Victoria, along the course. As Timmy goes flying past them they turn and look at each other, then look around for the boys. Principal Victoria suddenly realizes they are gone.>
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: No! This isn't happening. I did not just see Timmy come down the chute.
GIRLS: Look! His time is in the top ten!!!
<Timmy can be seen on a television monitor, at the end of the course>
<Cut back to the top of the hill>
COACH: Wow, that kid survi?I mean can really fly! OK, he will have 1 more run to make.
KYLE: When do we race?
COACH: Well, the shaky kid and his partner will race tomorrow, and you 4 will race the following day.
TWEEK: AAHHH! You mean I have to wait until tomorrow to get this over with?
COACH: Yes. Only 1 event per day.
CARTMAN: Sweeeeet! Do we like, get to eat with you guys now, and like, hang out with all the other athletes?
COACH: Umm. No. We need to keep your participation a secret for now. We, uh, don't, uh, want the uh, jud..I mean competition to see you and measure you up or sabotage you in any way.
CARTMAN: Cool! We're undercover athletes!
KENNY: MmI'mph mmanph mmathleteph mmunderph mmtheph mmcoversph!
CARTMAN: Shut up Kenny!
<Timmy comes rolling back up the hill>
COACH: OK son, you have a few minutes between runs. So on your next run, to help speed you up even more?.
COACH: We are going to take the rubber off of your wheels here. That way you will slide even better.
ACT 5 SCENE 3
SCENE: Timmy is back at the gate, with no tires on his wheels,
<The buzzer sounds, repeat what occurred the first time except lots faster>
WENDY<Still down somewhere along the course> Look, on the monitor, here he comes again!
BEBE: GO TIMMY!!!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Oh dear god. This can't be good.
WENDY: Oh my god! He just took first place!
BEBE: He kicked everybody's butts! He must be at least 3 seconds faster that anyone else!!!
<Cut back to the top of the hill, All the boys are cheering and screaming, the coach is jumping around>
COACH: We got the gold! WE GOT THE GOLD!! Uh oh! He got the gold!
<Timmy comes rolling up>
COACH: Great job kid!
COACH: OK, let's get you out of this outfit and back into your street clothes before?.
<A mob of reports surrounds Timmy pelting him with questions. Of course, Timmy gives the only answer he can?>
<After getting their quotes of Timmah! The press leaves>
STAN: Let's go celebrate you winning the medal Timmy!
COACH: Uh no boys, remember, all the athletes have a strict curfew they have to follow.
KYLE: Dude, something isn't right with this. We should be able to celebrate or something.
CARTMAN: You guuuyyysssss. We can't go celebrate, we are under strict curfew, the coach said so.
STAN: He's right.
KYLE: I hate it when he is right.
BUTTERS: S..So this means we, uh, have to spend the rest of the night in the hotel room?
CARTMAN: That's right. Just like all the other athletes!
TWEEK: AAHHH! We're out of coffee in our room! I can't find my underwear either!
ACT 5 SCENE 4
SCENE: Back at the hotel, Principal Victoria is lecturing the boys.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: I don't know what you were thinking, these are the Olympics. You can't just jump on a course anytime you feel like it.
KYLE: But we didn't, the coach asked us?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Now that is enough of that. Nobody is just going to pick people out of the crowd to compete. These athletes spend their entire lives training for this.
STAN: But he really did?.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: No more! If you boys get into any more mischief this trip, I will confine you to your room!
<Principal Victoria leaves>
KYLE: Weak dude!
STAN: So what do we do now?
CARTMAN: AAYY! What do you think?! We compete! We have a duty to our country, our nation, our way of life. <music starts in the background> If ever there was a time, when we needed to heed the call of our great uncle, you may know him as Uncle Sammy, that time is now. The world is at our doorstep, challenging us. We must rise to the occasion. We must meet them on the field of battle. We must go forth and conquer. We must defend our flag! We must defend our nations honor, against the slurs of the competition. We must face this challenge, overcome this small obstacle, we must persevere!
STAN: what the hell are you talking about Fatass?
KENNY: MMFUCKPH MMHERPH! MMWEPH MMRIDEPH!
ALL THE BOYS: YEAH!!!!!
ACT 6 SCENE 1
SCENE: Tweek and Butters are sitting in a bobsled instead of standing next to it.
CAPTION: Next day- 2 man Bobsled.
<The buzzer sounds. They start pushing themselves with their hands. Again, a montage of them going through the turns, with Butters screaming the entire way. >
WENDY: Isn't that??
BEBE: What the?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Oh no, not again!
<They end up in the top 5 on their time. >
<Cut back to the top of the hill. >
COACH: Damn. I shouldn't have put the wimpy kid in charge of steering.
<Cut back to top of the run, Tweek is now in charge of steering>
COACH: OK, Shaky kid, you guy's finished high, and with yesterday's times, we are still in the running, You are in charge of the steering this time.
TWEEK: I can't handle hanging on and working the steering! Too much pressure!
COACH: Great. Don't worry about steering then.
<The two take off again, this time pushing the sled properly. They jump in, followed by much screaming>
WENDY: There they go again!
BEBE: They are really moving!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: I am going to be sick.
<They cross the finish line; their times are shown>
WENDY: That puts them in second place!!!
<Cut to the coach>
BOYS: YEA!!!!THEY ARE GETTING A SILVER MEDAL!!!
COACH: Another medal! Yes! Oh no! Another medal?.I have to do something quick!
STAN: So, when do they get their medals?
CARTMAN: When do we get on a Wheaties box?
KYLE: Like you have ever eaten Wheaties in you life Fat Ass!
CARTMAN: AAYY! I would if my picture were on the box!
KYLE: There isn't a box that big!
KENNY: Mmitph mmwouldph mmkillph mmtheph mmsalesph
STAN: Yeah, I can see it now, Here, eat our cereal, it is good for you! Look what it did for this Fat ass!
CARTMAN: Screw you guys. I am going home.
COACH: No! Fat..I mean uh, little boy, you have to compete tomorrow. All of you need to get back to the hotel right now. Take the wimp and shaky kid with you! Hurry! Run!
KYLE: <running with the others>This is seriously messed up
<Just as the kids run off, the reporter mob encircles the coach>
ACT 6 SCENE 2
SCENE: The boys' hotel room. Principal Victoria is scolding the boys again. Wendy and Bebe are behind her.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: I don't want to hear another word! You boys are confined to your room for the rest of the trip! I just wish I knew where Mr. Mackey was. He is supposed to be keeping an eye on you boys! Now I have hired a security guard to stand here, and make sure you boys don't leave your room. I hope this teaches you a lesson.
<She and the girls leave the room, in the hallway a big burly bouncer type is standing outside the door. The boys crack open the door, see him and quickly shut it. >
CARTMAN: Dammit! I finally get a chance to be on a Wheaties box and she has to ruin it for me!
KYLE: Dude, this sucks. We're supposed to do the Bobsled tomorrow.
STAN: Yeah, and she won't even listen to us.
BUTTERS: I..I just uh, hope she let's u..us out for the medal ceremonies. I want to get my silver medal.
TWEEK: Yeah, me to! Aaahh! What a rush!
KYLE: I have been thinking about that. If the real athletes did the runs first, then we did them second, who gets the medal?
CARTMAN: They give each of us one. Along with our own endorsement contracts!
STAN: You know, I think Kyle is on to something there?.
KENNY: MmOnph mmsomethingph!
ACT 7 SCENE 1
SCENE: The Boys' room. All is quiet and dark. All the boys are asleep.
<The girls sneak into the boy's room through the adjoining door, while everyone is still asleep. They tiptoe over to where Stan and Kyle are sleeping. Wendy shakes Stan awake. His eyes get wide; he starts to ask a question, then looks like he is about to puke. Wendy covers his mouth with her hand.
WENDY: <whispering> Say hello. <Wendy unclamps his mouth>
STAN: <whispers back> Hello.
<Wendy clamps her hand back over his mouth. She then leans down and whispers several things in his ear. While she is whispering, the camera pans over to Bebe, who is lifting Kyle's blanket for a look at his butt. Wendy finishes whispering, sits back up, with her hand still clamped over Stan's mouth. Stan is nodding>
WENDY: Say goodbye. <Releases her hand from Stan's mouth>
<Wendy and Bebe go back to their room. Stan begins waking the others up. >
KYLE: What? Why are you waking us up so early?
CARTMAN: Yeah Hippie! I don't want to watch the sunrise and eat granola!
TWEEK: Is the coffee ready?
BUTTERS: Not now mom.
TIMMY: Tim Tim Timmah? Gobbles?
STAN: Guys wake up. Wendy and Bebe have a plan to get us out of here so we can go compete!
KYLE: Really? What is it?
STAN: They will get Principal Victoria to leave the room for a phony message at the front desk. Then when she leaves, we will all sneak into their room, they will disguise us, and we can leave through their door, since the guard is only watching our room.
ACT 7 SCENE 2
SCENE: The two girls can be seen, side by side, looking at something off camera. They giggle a little; Wendy reaches off screen and adjusts something.
BOTH GIRLS: PERFECT!
KYLE: <only his voice heard, camera still on the girls> Oh no. No way.
STAN: It is only to get past the guard.
CARTMAN: Screw you guys! I am not doing this!
BUTTERS: Well, I..I don't think i..it's so bad.
CARTMAN: Shut up Butters!
STAN: Come on guys. It's the only way.
<Camera cuts to show the boys. They are all dressed like girls, Kyle's hat is off, and his hair is all in dreadlocks>
CARTMAN: NO! No way I am going to let some hippie and his hippie girlfriend do this to me!
STAN: What happened to the speech yesterday Cartman! Overcoming obstacles, doing whatever it takes?
CARTMAN: I didn't say anything about cross-dressing dammit!
WENDY: This is the only way to get you out of here past the guard!
STAN: So you can be on a Wheaties box.
CARTMAN: I don't want to be on a Wheaties box in a dress dammit!
WENDY: You just have to wear it to the end of the hall. You guys can take them off in the elevator!
STAN: See! No one will see us!
KYLE: Well, ok, I guess I can wear it to the end of the hall.
<They all leave the room and head for the elevator. The security guard does not pay any attention to them. About halfway down the hall, The entire US Winter Olympic team comes down the hall. A few of them whistle at the "girls", you can hear a comment about the ugly fat one. >
CARTMAN: AYYY! Come back here! I'll kick you squuuaaare in the nuts!
KYLE: OK, kill me now.
KENNY: Mmdon'tph mmsayph mmthatph mmstandingph mmnextph mmtoph mmMEph!
<Wendy and Bebe push the boys/girls into the elevator, the doors close>
Cut to the lobby. Principal Victoria is standing in front of the elevators. Two of them open at once. She enters one; the kids exit the other. The boys are all back in boy clothes.
ACT 7 SCENE 3
SCENE: Top of the run. Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Cartman are all at the bobsled. Kyle takes his hat off; his hair is still braided. He is unable to get his helmet on.
<The coach comes over and pounds the helmet on>
KYLE: Thanks coach.
BOYS: <Sliding the bobsled back and forth>: One for the rhythm, two for the rhyme, three for the feeling, it's Bob's sled time!
<They push off, jumping in, like they were pros. They fly down the hill and on the very first run, shatter the world record and take a commanding first place time. During the run, you can hear commentators talking about the run. The commentary is actually sound bites from Cool Runnings.
STAN: <As the sleds slows to a stop>: Kenny? Are you dead?
KENNY: MmNOph mmMONph!
ACT 7 SCENE 4
SCENE Back at the top of the hill
WENDY & BEBE: They did it! They did it! We're going to win another gold medal!!
COACH: That was incredible! I have never seen a team in such unison before. Are you guys sure your have never done this?
STAN: No, we just do a lot of sledding at home.
<Olympic officials come running up>
OFFICIALS: We want to check that sled!
COACH: What for?!
OFFICIALS: There is no way your team could have turned in that kind of run, without a rigged sled!
COACH: There is nothing wrong with that sled! I just have the best damn bobsled team that has ever competed!
<The officials check out the sled and walk off with much harrumphing>
COACH: OK boys, just one more run to go. Just make sure you finish safely, and we'll get the gold!
<Eric, Stan and Kyle all glance over at Kenny>
WENDY: Good luck Stan! I know you can do it!
STAN: Thanks Wendy, for helping us.
<The boys push the sled over to the starting line>
WENDY<to Bebe>: Helping them. Just wait till we tell the girls back home that we are dating Olympic gold medallists!
BEBE: They will be soooo jealous.
<The boys take off on their second run. Everything is going the same as before. Cut to a close up of a runner. It is wobbling. Several cuts of the boys going through turns, then a close up of a wobbling runner. The boys finish, still in first place. Cut to a wobbling runner. The Coach and the girls run up to the boys congratulating them. Cut to the wobbling runner. Expand the scene to see a sled on a work bench treadmill.
MAINTENANCE WORKER #1: Hey you got the Jamaican sled ready yet?
MAINTENANCE WORKER #2: Ya mon! It checked out just fine!
Cut back to the kids.
KENNY: Mmwoohooph mmweph mmwonph!
CARTMAN: <running in circles> We did it! We did it! Seriouslah guys, we did it!
KYLE: I don't believe it! We won!
<Kyle and Stan attempt to hoist Cartman on their shoulders, but are unable to lift him
CARTMAN: Seriouslah. This is so weak you guys.
<They hoist Kenny up instead, then lose their balance and drop him. Kenny goes rolling down the hillside, turning into a giant snowball, then crashing into a tree. The tree falls over, squishing Kenny.
STAN: Oh my god, we killed Kenny!
KYLE: We're bastards! Gold medal winning bastards!
STAN: And NOW we can go celebrate, because we don't have any stupid curfew!
BUTTERS: S..So coach, when do we uh..get our m..medals?
CARTMAN: When do we get the endorsement contracts?
COACH: I thought you boys understood
STAN: Understood what?
KYLE: Oh boy.
COACH: The medals go to the team. Nobody knows or will know that you guys did those runs. Everyone thinks it was the Team USA members. You boys did a great thing for your country.
STAN: Sooo, we don't get anything for risking our lives and winning the gold medal for you?
COACH: You get the thrill of knowing you are the best of the best of the best!
CARTMAN: Up yours!
KYLE: With honors!
STAN: You know what though?
STAN: I don't feel so bad about it. I think maybe I should feel really bad, but I don't.
KYLE: Whatever dude. Let's go home.
Cut to Cartman, kicking the coach in the groin, begin fade out?
CARTMAN: I WANT MY GOLD MEDAL! I WANT MY 10 MILLION DOLLAR ENDORSMENT CONTRACT!!!!!
Written by Carl Ellis AKA The Albino Chewbacca
Based on characters and ideas from South Park South Park was created by Matt Stone & Trey Parker and is the intellectual property of Comedy Central. No infringement on their rights is intended nor should be inferred. This fan fic was written as an homage to all the people who bring South Park to life.
(The above quote was written word for word from Mek's South Park Fan Fics. Sounds good to me!)
SCENE: Hotel room closet, Mr. Mackey, still strapped to the Travois, with suitcases pilled on him
MR. MACKEY: Mmkch? mmkch?. Mmkch?