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Author: Kenny's Goodness (with a friend)
Title: Amy Can't Love Me
Type of Work: script
Source: CMv1 #29

Copyright 2002 Kenny's Goodness

(Yes...don't ask about this. I wrote this with my boyfriend before we were dating or two in the morning. :P For sheer humor only, and with plenty of Sonic the Hedgehog references to go around. --KG)

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My friend: see the Disney crew all in a putt-putt car, and suddenly...

My friend: *squish*

Me: ::cheers::

Really, Really Big Robot: ....ew...

Me: ::throws confetti and everyone celebrates::

Really, Really Big Robot: ...can I get a hose over here?

Me: ::looks around for one, and finally finds one and drags it over:: Here.

R.R.B.R.: Thank you.

Me: Not a problem! I should be thanking you!

[Suddenly, due to the Nazis in the executive branch of the film company, the Really, Really Big Robot dies saving a colony of amoebas.]

Me: ::thuds::

Amy: Yay!

[Gamma comes back from the dead, shakes his head, and blows the bitch away.]

Gamma: I saved her...I have no right to live...

Me: Hey, don't kill yourself! You actually just did us all a favor!

[Nazis strike again, Gamma self-destructs, and Amy miracolously comes back to life.]

Me: Noooo! ::tries to kill herself with a plastic fork::


Me: OH MY GOOOOOD! ::runs away as fast as she can::

[A wall of Chibis block her.]

Chibis (in creepy voices from The Shining): You mustn't run away. Stay with us, Cassandra.

Me (now known as "Cassandra"): ::eyes widen:: I don't wanna come and play with you...::takes out the fork again::

[Amy grabs the fork, throws it away.]

Amy: Can't you see I love you too much to let you do that?

Cassandra (once again, ME!): B-but...I thought you loved Sonic!!

(All of the sudden, the entire cast shows up.)

Sonic: No, she can't. I love Knuckles.

Tails: And I love her!

Cassandra: At least YOU'RE not gay!!

Knuckles: And I love me! *whips out mirror and starts kissing it*

Robo-Robotnik: Fuck this.

Cassandra: ::to Robotnik:: Hey...can you get me out of here? Please?!

[Matrix-style executions all around. Only Cassie and Robo-Robotnik survive.]

Cassandra (now known as Cassie, also me): Hooray!!!

Robo-Robotnik: I'm gone before the execs have me killed.

Cassie: All right! Thanks, dude!

[He dies. Amy comes back as a Neve Cambpell look-alike...if Neve Campbell was a pink hedgehog.]

Cassie: ::throws her head back and screams::

Amy: I LOVE YOU!!!!


Cassie: ::gasps:: WHAT?! I've never touched you in my life! Plus, we're both girls!!!

Amy: Blame the execs.

Cassie: ::flips them off, wherever they are:: Fuck you, execs!

Amy: Anyway...*gets back nto character* IF YOU DIE, WHO WILL BE THE SECOND MOTHER OF OUR CHILDREN?!?

Cassie: ::thinks quickly:: Umm...her! ::pulls out Rouge the bat from the Dreamcast game:: This is the one you were really with!

Rouge: Nope. I'm not really here.

[Rouge disappears.]

Cassie: ::sighs:: Dammit!

Amy: You do realize where the execs want us to go, right?

Cassie: Into the back room where we can make love? ::cringes::

Amy: No.

Amy: ...they want us to do it right here.

Cassie: WHAT?!

Amy: Better ratings, you know.

Cassie: I'm SO not having sex with you.

Amy (handing her a drink): Here. Take this.

Cassie: ::sniffs it:: ...What is it?

Amy: Magic Kool-Aide.

Amy: ...slash-Rouge repellant.

Cassie: is going to make be unable to think straight...

Amy: Shut up and kiss me.

Cassie: ::sighs and tosses the drink back:: What the hell. If I have this, at least I don't remember...

[Five hours later...]

Amy: Wow, that was amazing. The tire, the spatula, and the, that was the best time of my life.

Cassie: ::groans:: What happened...

Amy: You said you'd never forget...

Amy: Oh well. *turning to her other side* How was it for you, Jennifer Anniston?

Cassie: ::little girl scream::

Jennifer: Just lovely, darling! We should do it're much better then Brad Pitt!


[Matrix-style, once again.]

Cassie: ::sighs in relief that they're dead:: I need to cleanse myself! GOD! Someone, kill me or something!

[...only he gets whacked out of the state with Amy's mallet.]

Cassie: SHIT!

Cassie: ::goes up to Amy:: Listen. If I kiss you once, will you let me go on my way?

Amy: ...

[Amy's head blows-up from not having to put-up with resistance.]

Cassie: Hooray!

Jennifer Anniston: But I'm still-

[Rouge kills her.]

Cassie: ::to Rouge:: Thank you!

[Rouge looks at her lovingly, then pulls off her mask to reveal...


Cassie: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::flees::

[Suddenly, Cassie wakes-up.]

Cassie: ::pants:: Oh, thank god...thank was a dream!

Amy: Wow...that was no dream, sugar...the oil, the tire iron, the ice cream...and the PIE! Oh, the pie was so gooooooooooood...

Cassie: ...w-we had...pie? ...what kind?

Amy: Hard to tell...there was sooooo much of it... all over my- *CENSORED*

Cassie: ::screams, opens the window, and jumps, only to realize that it was a basement window::

Cassie: ::weeps, lying on the ground:: Why can't I get away?! DAMN YOU EXECS!

Pie: Actually, it's my will.

Cassie: ::blinks:: What?!

Pie: It is my will. For you see, Amy is really...well, Amy. But she's the most beautiful human female in existence.

Cassie: ...She's a pink hedgehog from a video game!!

Pie: ...and you love me so much, that I felt that it would be a gift to you.

Cassie: Well...thank you...pie...but...


Cassie: Well...true...I guess...just...why...I'm not gay!!!

Pie: ...look under the sheets, Cass.

Cassie (now known as Cass, once Cassandra, still me): ::peeks under the sheets::

Amy: ...oops. Guess I should have mentioned that I have...


Cass: ::blinks:: Oh my god!!!!

[Suddenly, Cassie wakes-up.]

Tails: Are you all right? Sounded like you were having a nightmare?

Cass:::blinks:: Tails?! ...And...I was!! Amy was after me...

Tails: There there...come to Tails...Tails will make it alll better...

Cass: Aww...well...yay! ::gives Tails a hug::

Tails: ...that's not what I meant, sugar.

Cass: Oh? Well, what did you have in mind

[Tails whispers something lude into Cassie's e--]


Cass: *_* Well...umm...OH GOD!!!!!

[Gamma rips-off the mask to reveal...AMY!]

Cass: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

[Gamma then eats her.]

Cass: Gamma, please! Stay with me, I need a body guard!

Gamma: ...*looks at her*

*cue Whitney Houston music*

Cass: ::looks back, a little confused::


Knuckles: ...drama queen.

Cass: Drag queen, more like it...O_o

[Gamma takes Cassie into his, arm and gun...]

Cass: Ummm...hi?

Gamma: ...just go along and the execs will go away...

Cass: Oh, all right...::throws her arms around him:: Oh, Gamma! I love you forever!

[Cassie and Gamma go away. Amy comes back and lives happily ever after with Tails. Rouge lives happily ever after with Antonio Banderas in a Can. Sonic lives happily ever after with Knuckles.]

Knuckles: GODDAMNIT!