Author: Kenny's Goodness (with a friend)
Title: Amy Can't Love Me
Type of Work: script
Source: CMv1 #29
© Copyright 2002 Kenny's Goodness
(Yes...don't ask about this. I wrote this with my boyfriend before we were dating at...oh...one or two in the morning. :P For sheer humor only, and with plenty of Sonic the Hedgehog references to go around. --KG)
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My friend: ...watch: see the Disney crew all in a putt-putt car, and suddenly...
My friend: *squish*
Really, Really Big Robot: ....ew...
Me: ::throws confetti and everyone celebrates::
Really, Really Big Robot: ...can I get a hose over here?
Me: ::looks around for one, and finally finds one and drags it over:: Here.
R.R.B.R.: Thank you.
Me: Not a problem! I should be thanking you!
[Suddenly, due to the Nazis in the executive branch of the film company, the Really, Really Big Robot dies saving a colony of amoebas.]
[Gamma comes back from the dead, shakes his head, and blows the bitch away.]
Gamma: I saved her...I have no right to live...
Me: Hey, don't kill yourself! You actually just did us all a favor!
[Nazis strike again, Gamma self-destructs, and Amy miracolously comes back to life.]
Me: Noooo! ::tries to kill herself with a plastic fork::
Amy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
Me: OH MY GOOOOOD! ::runs away as fast as she can::
[A wall of Chibis block her.]
Chibis (in creepy voices from The Shining): You mustn't run away. Stay with us, Cassandra.
Me (now known as "Cassandra"): ::eyes widen:: I don't wanna come and play with you...::takes out the fork again::
[Amy grabs the fork, throws it away.]
Amy: Can't you see I love you too much to let you do that?
Cassandra (once again, ME!): B-but...I thought you loved Sonic!!
(All of the sudden, the entire cast shows up.)
Sonic: No, she can't. I love Knuckles.
Tails: And I love her!
Cassandra: At least YOU'RE not gay!!
Knuckles: And I love me! *whips out mirror and starts kissing it*
Robo-Robotnik: Fuck this.
Cassandra: ::to Robotnik:: Hey...can you get me out of here? Please?!
[Matrix-style executions all around. Only Cassie and Robo-Robotnik survive.]
Cassandra (now known as Cassie, also me): Hooray!!!
Robo-Robotnik: I'm gone before the execs have me killed.
Cassie: All right! Thanks, dude!
[He dies. Amy comes back as a Neve Cambpell look-alike...if Neve Campbell was a pink hedgehog.]
Cassie: ::throws her head back and screams::
Amy: I LOVE YOU!!!!
Amy: I'M BEARING OUR CHILDREN!
Cassie: ::gasps:: WHAT?! I've never touched you in my life! Plus, we're both girls!!!
Amy: Blame the execs.
Cassie: ::flips them off, wherever they are:: Fuck you, execs!
Amy: Anyway...*gets back nto character* IF YOU DIE, WHO WILL BE THE SECOND MOTHER OF OUR CHILDREN?!?
Cassie: ::thinks quickly:: Umm...her! ::pulls out Rouge the bat from the Dreamcast game:: This is the one you were really with!
Rouge: Nope. I'm not really here.
Cassie: ::sighs:: Dammit!
Amy: You do realize where the execs want us to go, right?
Cassie: Into the back room where we can make love? ::cringes::
Amy: ...they want us to do it right here.
Amy: Better ratings, you know.
Cassie: I'm SO not having sex with you.
Amy (handing her a drink): Here. Take this.
Cassie: ::sniffs it:: ...What is it?
Amy: Magic Kool-Aide.
Amy: ...slash-Rouge repellant.
Cassie: Wait...no...this is going to make be unable to think straight...
Amy: Shut up and kiss me.
Cassie: ::sighs and tosses the drink back:: What the hell. If I have this, at least I don't remember...
[Five hours later...]
Amy: Wow, that was amazing. The tire, the spatula, and the oil...wow, that was the best time of my life.
Cassie: ::groans:: What happened...
Amy: You said you'd never forget...
Amy: Oh well. *turning to her other side* How was it for you, Jennifer Anniston?
Cassie: ::little girl scream::
Jennifer: Just lovely, darling! We should do it again...you're much better then Brad Pitt!
[Matrix-style, once again.]
Cassie: ::sighs in relief that they're dead:: I need to cleanse myself! GOD! Someone, kill me or something!
[...only he gets whacked out of the state with Amy's mallet.]
Cassie: ::goes up to Amy:: Listen. If I kiss you once, will you let me go on my way?
[Amy's head blows-up from not having to put-up with resistance.]
Jennifer Anniston: But I'm still-
[Rouge kills her.]
Cassie: ::to Rouge:: Thank you!
[Rouge looks at her lovingly, then pulls off her mask to reveal...
Cassie: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::flees::
[Suddenly, Cassie wakes-up.]
Cassie: ::pants:: Oh, thank god...thank you...it was a dream!
Amy: Wow...that was no dream, sugar...the oil, the tire iron, the ice cream...and the PIE! Oh, the pie was so gooooooooooood...
Cassie: ...w-we had...pie? ...what kind?
Amy: Hard to tell...there was sooooo much of it... all over my- *CENSORED*
Cassie: ::screams, opens the window, and jumps, only to realize that it was a basement window::
Cassie: ::weeps, lying on the ground:: Why can't I get away?! DAMN YOU EXECS!
Pie: Actually, it's my will.
Cassie: ::blinks:: What?!
Pie: It is my will. For you see, Amy is really...well, Amy. But she's the most beautiful human female in existence.
Cassie: ...She's a pink hedgehog from a video game!!
Pie: ...and you love me so much, that I felt that it would be a gift to you.
Cassie: Well...thank you...pie...but...
Pie: ...WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME?!? I HAVE NO EYES!!!
Cassie: Well...true...I guess...just...why...I'm not gay!!!
Pie: ...look under the sheets, Cass.
Cassie (now known as Cass, once Cassandra, still me): ::peeks under the sheets::
Amy: ...oops. Guess I should have mentioned that I have...
Amy: ...ANTONIO BANDERAS IN A CAN!!!
Cass: ::blinks:: Oh my god!!!!
[Suddenly, Cassie wakes-up.]
Tails: Are you all right? Sounded like you were having a nightmare?
Cass:::blinks:: Tails?! ...And...I was!! Amy was after me...
Tails: There there...come to Tails...Tails will make it alll better...
Cass: Aww...well...yay! ::gives Tails a hug::
Tails: ...that's not what I meant, sugar.
Cass: Oh? Well, what did you have in mind
[Tails whispers something lude into Cassie's e--]
Gamma: NO MORE EVIL, AMY!!!
Cass: *_* Well...umm...OH GOD!!!!!
[Gamma rips-off the mask to reveal...AMY!]
[Gamma then eats her.]
Cass: Gamma, please! Stay with me, I need a body guard!
Gamma: ...*looks at her*
*cue Whitney Houston music*
Cass: ::looks back, a little confused::
Sonic: ....AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIII...WILL ALLLLLLWAAYS LOOOOOOVE YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOH...
Knuckles: ...drama queen.
Cass: Drag queen, more like it...O_o
[Gamma takes Cassie into his arms...er, arm and gun...]
Gamma: ...just go along and the execs will go away...
Cass: Oh, all right...::throws her arms around him:: Oh, Gamma! I love you forever!
[Cassie and Gamma go away. Amy comes back and lives happily ever after with Tails. Rouge lives happily ever after with Antonio Banderas in a Can. Sonic lives happily ever after with Knuckles.]