Author: Kenny's Goodness
Title: A South Park Fairy Tale #1: Little Orange Parka Hood
Type of Work: fan fic short story
Source: CMv1 #25
© Copyright 2002 Kenny's Goodness
Little Orange Parka Hood
(A "revamping" of the famous fairy tale "Little Red Riding Hood")
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Once upon a time, in the small town of South Park, Colorado, there lived a very poor little boy named Kenny. Now, even though he was poorer then Starvin' Marvin and the entire nation of Ethiopia, he was still a very happy little boy. He and his very best friends, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman, would always find some new, fun ways to get into trouble.
One day, the four of the happened upon a rotting body lying out in the woods behind the town. Since none of them were very bright, they decided to rip tear it open and pretend they were doing an autopsy. Not such a smart move, let me tell you, because, a few days later, Kyle grew deathly ill. Since Kyle was very best friends with all of them, the three of the decided that one of them should pay poor Kyle a visit. Stan and Cartman both looked at Kenny.
"Why me?" Kenny said incomprehensibly. Stan sighed.
"Because, you have that orange hood around your head, and that will block all of the germs out."
"Truth be told, Mr. Second Mortgage, none of us want to get sick, you have to go," Cartman said. Kenny flipped him off.
"Fuck you," he said angrily, thinking. "Should I bring him something?" Stan and Cartman pulled out a basket that they had had behind one of the curtains in Cartman's living room.
"Take him this," Stan said and handed him the basket. In it was a box of Cheesy Poofs, a new Chinpokomon toy, and a card that Cartman and Stan had signed. Cartman opened it up and handed Kenny a pen.
"Here, you sign it too," he said, and Kenny scrawled his name at the bottom of the card. He then put in the envelope and sealed it tightly. He walked out the door and started the ten-minute walk to Kyle's.
<<Why the hell do I have to do everything?>> Kenny wondered to himself as a girl who oddly looked like Cartman in a dress appeared before him.
"Why, hello, handsome," he girl said. Hell, she even sounds like Cartman, Kenny thought as she moved closer to him. "I heard that you were going to your friend Kyle's house." He nodded, holding up the basket.
"I'm taking him this basket full of food and toys to keep him occupied while he's sick." Kenny mumbled, and then added, "Who are you anyway?"
"Oh, I'm Eric's cousin, Lucille. I'm visiting from New Jersey. You can call me Lucy, though," she said. She dropped her voice to a soft whisper and leaned over until her lips were almost right where his ear would have been if he hadn't had his hood on.
"Did you know that there's a shortcut to Kyle's through the woods?" she said and pointed to a trail. "See that trail there?" Kenny nodded. "It leads to right up behind Kyle's house. It'll cut your distance in half, in three quarters, maybe!" Kenny smiled underneath his cumbersome hood and walked off towards the trail.
"Thanks, Lucy!" he called back over his shoulder. "Say...maybe I'll see you around sometime?" She smiled a little and walked towards Cartman's house.
"Maybe," she said, and waited for Kenny to be out of her sight. Turns out that the 'she' was really a he, and he had shown Kenny the secret trail that led all the way around South Park before finally reaching Kyle's. Hey, he hadn't lied!
"What a poor piece of crap," Cartman said as he ran off towards Kyle's house.
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"What a stupid, lying bitch," Kenny grumbled angrily as he finally made it to Kyle's house an hour later. "She told me that was a shortcut! Shortcut my ass!" He walked up to the Brofslovski residence and knocked. Kyle's mom let him in and he walked up the stairs to where Kyle was resting. He was bundled in about thirty blankets, and his form was totally hidden. He looked pale, and Kenny felt sorry for him.
"Hey, Kyle," he said softly as he walked over to the side of his bed and sat down.
"Hey Kenny," he said, his voice hoarse. Kenny stared at him strangely.
"Kyle...jeez, you seem to have gotten fatter," he said suddenly. Kyle smiled.
"All the better to keep warm in the winter with, dude," he replied. Kenny scratched his head.
"Your eyes are locked on the Cheesy Poofs as if they were going to disappear!" he said after another minute of staring.
"All the better to snack on, dude," he replied cryptically once again. Kenny stared at him again for another minute, thoroughly confused.
"Hey...your mouth...it's huge...and flapping!" Suddenly, Kyle leapt out of the bed, and that's when Kenny realized that it wasn't Kyle, but it was actually Cartman!
"All the better to eat them fuckin' Cheesy Poofs with, jackass," he said, and lunged for them. He opened his mouth wide and accidentally swallowed Kenny, forcing him to die a slow, painful, death of being burned alive by gastric juices. Kyle walked out of the closet then, totally fine.
"Dude, that was a great idea, Cartman," he said.
"I never thought that getting rid of Kenny would be so easy," he replied as they walked back to Cartman's to finish the Cheesy Poofs and watch Terrance and Phillip.