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Author: Lindsey Phillips
Title: The Fellowship of the Cookie
Type of Work: parody script
Source: CMv1 #4, 7, 18
© Copyright 2002 Lindsey Phillips
Act I: Of Stupidity
Scene 1: Tymle Island
VOICE: Erid all age… mûlt soure all ourandig.
CALLIOPE: Erid is changed… but that's understandable.
VOICE: Sa tym me om ont fatre.
ORTSAC: I feel it in the water.
(Relieves self)
VOICE: Sa tym me om ont Earth.
WASTAKI: I feel it in the Earth
(DUDEMS flow out of ground, burying him)
VOICE: Sa sacrad me om ont syi.
DRONVAL: I smell it in the air. And whooeee it stinks!
CALLIOPE: Things we were supposed to know were lost, for none now
live who remember them… except me.
It began with the baking of the great cookies. There were 597
batches. They all had names! Anyway, numbers 50-89 of the 468th batch were
a tad different.
20 were given to the Eridians, wisest and fairest of the creatures
of Erid. 18, to the Weedlings. They were the royalties of Tymle Isle,
acquiring talents beyond all others. And 10, 10 evil cookies, to
the race of men, who above all else desired cheese whiz.
Each cookie was used to govern and improve each race. They
flourished in the land of Erid, giving all that their masters desired. But they
were all of them deceived, for another cookie was made. In the land of
New Naynoo, in the oven on Mt. Legume, the MI leader Zichmar baked a
master cookie. Into it he baked his malice, ability to talk to cheese,
and will to dominate all life - one cookie to rule them all.
One by one the lands fell to the power of the cookie. But there
were some who resisted.
A last alliance of Eridians and ducks fought against Zichmar.
Victory was near, as the MI soldiers often joined the other side. But the
power of the cookie could not be undone.
When all hope was lost, and Erid claimed defeat, Miintalor took up
his father's salad shooter.
(MÎNTALOR shoots off ZICHMAR'S ear with a tomato)
Zichmar was defeated. And Miintalor had a chance to keep out all
MI forever. But the hearts of ducks (and men) are easily corrupted,
and the cookie has a will of its own.
It betrayed Miintalor to his death, and things that should not
have been forgotten were lost… except to me.
History became legend, legend became myth, and for 2 and ½
thousand years the cookie passed out of all knowledge.
But when the time came, the cookie ensnared a new bearer, the
creature Kyleum.
KYLEUM: My d-d-deeeeeeeeeeearessssssssstt.
CALLIOPE: The cookie gave Kyleum an unnaturally long life, but
after 500 years it got sick of him and ran away. But then something happened
the cookie did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely
person imaginable. Dealdo Faggins of Stupidity.
DEALDO: I am NOT From Stupidity!
KYLEUM: Oh, my dearest is lost. Boohoo.
CALLIOPE: For there would come a time when Stupidians would shape
the fortune of all.
Scene 2: Opening credits
[FROTCHUDO plays air guitar and examines muscles in looking-glass
while humming loudly]
Motchu Goosemonkey
[DEALDO looks up at ceiling as house shakes, yells to turn down
that racket.]
Xeal
[RICKY is in a field wearing a pink dress & dancing among flowers.
He catches and eats a butterfly]
Ricky Stoopid
[Group of boys are playing with toy boats. Ocean liner comes up,
smashing them, bearing GAFRIADOC]
Gafildafred
[MIDGIPPIN is in a bar cussing out large guys. They toss him under
a basket.]
Midget Boy
[ANDALF is sitting in a study, reading a book. Dr. Wastakagorn is
trying to get him to move.]
Andy Queerdid AND Dr. Wastaki
Scene 3: Birthday Party and after
EVERYONE: - happy birthday to you!
RICKY: And many more, under the cheese.
A big fat lady, over there.
And birthday cake, up in a house
A happy smile-
(Dealdo hits Ricky with a rock)
(everyone laughs)
FROTCHUDO: This is the best birthday ever, Uncle Dealdo!
DEALDO: Don't touch me.
ANDALF: Wizards are never late.
FROTCHUDO: Hello! You were supposed to be here a week ago!
ANDALF: Well, I meant to arrive ten minutes ago. When can we start
the fireworks?
DEALDO: It's too late! It's time for the speech! See?
DILLTGG: SPEEEEEEECH! SPEECH! SPEEEEEEEECCCCCHUUUUUUH!
(Nobody joins in, crickets chirping)
DEALDO: Do I get paid extra?
PROPAGANDA: Yes.
DEALDO: Very well.
(DEALDO goes up on stage)
DEALDO: My dear Goosemonkeys and Faggins. Queerdids and
Fruitbowls. Ponswagles, Talbottles, Fiendapples, Tums, Boysies, Moolahs,
Hardys, Scratches, Murderers, Fishfaces, Orts-
(RICKY hits DEALDO with a rock)
(Everyone looks disapprovingly at RICKY)
DEALDO: Today is my birthday. I don't know how old I am today, but
I can assure you I'm pretty darn old. I've brought you here for a
purpose. Indeed, two purposes. First, I must say I've enjoyed living among
you dolts for a few years now.
(Cheers from CROWD)
DEALDO: I don't know a quarter of you a quarter as well as I
should like, and I like less then a quarter of you a quarter as well as you
deserve.
RICKY: He's giving us quarters!
DEALDO: And second, though you're all worth at least a quarter of
me, I'm outta here!
(DEALDO puts cookie in his ear)
(Cheers from CROWD)
FROTCHUDO: (pauses) FREE WEED FOR EVERYONE!
(More cheers)
Scene 4: Motchu's house
DEALDO: Whew, now I can get rid of these idiots forever.
ANDALF: Cool. What about the cookie?
DEALDO: What about it?
ANDALF: What about it?
DEALDO: You can't have it!
ANDALF: Dude, read the book. You give it to Frotchudo.
DEALDO: I'm not giving the cookie to my deadbeat nephew!
ANDALF: He's not a deadbeat.
DEALDO: All Stupidians are deadbeats!
ANDALF: Hey!
DEALDO: It's enough that I'm leaving the house to him!
ANDALF: It's his house to begin with.
DEALDO: No! The cookie is mine! My own… my….
Deeeeeeeeareeeeessssssstttttttt.
ANDALF: Oh, fishsticks.
DEALDO: I shudder to think of Frotchudo possessing it.
ANDALF: You are too stereotypical.
DEALDO: So? He hangs out with that Rickymwise Gamdid smut.
ANDALF: Look, it's in the book! If you leave with it I'll get
miffed.
DEALDO: What will you do, bore me to death?
ANDALF: I'll try.
DEALDO: I've lived here enough to be immune to dullness.
ANDALF: The cookie was baked on the mountain called Legume. It was
created blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah-
DEALDO: Okay, okay, I get the point.
ANDALF: Blah blah blah blah blah!
DEALDO: FINE! I'll give it to Frotchudo if you shut up.
ANDALF: Good.
DEALDO: I suppose he's better than anyone here is. I adopted him,
anyway.
ANDALF: Well, bye.
DEALDO: Propaganda is motioning for me to sing a song.
ANDALF: Well, go ahead.
DEALDO: Uh…
I am going away now
Maybe I'll go over there
Anyhow I won't come back
I'm leaving this deadbeat town!
Maybe I'll go to Nothing.
And whither then? I cannot say.
(DEALDO Exit)
(FROTCHUDO Enter)
ANDALF: Guess what?
FROTCHUDO: What?
ANDALF: Dealdo's gone forever.
FROTCHUDO: He WHAT?
ANDALF: Lucky you. You get the house… and something else.
FROTCHUDO: He can't leave! He's the only sane person in town!
ANDALF: Not anymore. Don't worry, he's left you plenty of weed.
FROTCHUDO: Oh, good. I suppose I'll miss him every time I get
high.
ANDALF: Yes, you will.
FROTCHUDO: What else did he leave me?
ANDALF: The cookie.
FROTCHUDO: The cookie?! Why? He always told me to keep my paws off
of it.
ANDALF: You don't have paws.
FROTCHUDO: I know.
ANDALF: NEVER EVER EVER USE IT! YOU HEAR ME?
FROTCHUDO: What? Why?
ANDALF: I think it's evil.
FROTCHUDO: How abominable! How do you know?
ANDALF: Just a guess. I'm going to go find out.
FROTCHUDO: (pauses) Okay, okay, just go away.
Scene 5: The house, next morning
(Large CROWD of people trying to get in front gate)
GENERIC1: How do you think it works?
GENERIC2: It says, "pull."
GENERIC3: Maybe it's opposite day. Try pushing.
(FROTCHUDO looks out window and sighs)
FROTCHUDO: Great. This is really abominable.
(He goes outside)
GENERIC1: Aaaaaaay Frotchudo!
GENERIC2: I'm hungry for Mexican food now.
RICKY: Hey, Motchu, what happened last night?
FROTCHUDO: My name isn't Motchu in this parody, Ricky!
RICKY: Then I don't want to be Ricky!
FROTCHUDO: Oh no, here we go.
RICKY: I wanna be Poopenia!
FROTCHUDO: You can't be Poopenia!
(GAFRIADOC jumps fence)
GAFRIADOC: Stupid complicated directions. Hey, GafildaFrotchudo.
(FROTCHUDO hands GAFRY a salad shooter)
FROTCHUDO: This is called a "salad shooter." Immediately puncture
anyone who gets past the gate. I'm going to go stare at a wall.
(FROTCHUDO goes inside)
(Loud banging noises and screaming)
(PROPELIA bursts into room, with GAFRY following)
PROPELIA: FROTCHUDO FAGGINS!
FROTCHUDO: AAAAAAH! Why did you let her in?!
GAFRY: She repelled even the tomatoes, sir.
PROPELIA: Where did your uncle get to? I demand to explore every
inch of this entire house and touch all of the furniture because I'm
jealous!
(FROTCHUDO pulls out cookie and attempts to choke on it)
(RICKY enter)
RICKY: Motchu! Motchu!
FROTCHUDO: Oh now what?
RICKY: I've thought up a name that you can call me!
FROTCHUDO: What is it?
RICKY: Here it is… brand new… absolutely perfect…
FROTCHUDO: WHAT IS IT YOU INCREDULOUS DOLT?!?!?!
RICKY: (dances) Poopenia!
(FROTCHUDO kicks RICKY out, then proceeds to PROPELIA)
PROPELIA: Wait, let me think up an insult!
(PROPELIA thinks for a while)
PROPELIA: You're stupid.
(PROPELIA exit)
FROTCHUDO: How extremely abominable.
Scene 6: Just out of Stupiton
(17 years later; everything is very Frodo-like. FROTCHUDO looks in
a jar)
FROTCHUDO: I'm running out of mushrooms! How abominable!
(looks in a brown sac he calls a hat)
FROTCHUDO: I'm running out of weed! How abominable!
(looks in cupboard)
FROTCHUDO: I'm running out of beer! How totally abominable!
(looks out window)
FROTCHUDO: Ricky is dancing in my garden and eating the hemlock
that he grew but isn't even throwing up! How abominable!
(Goes outside)
FROTCHUDO: I have to walk to the outskirts of town to sing a
rather touching yet poorly written song about getting high when I see the
sky! How abominable!
(outside of town)
FROTCHUDO:
When I find heart to look to Mount Imbosile
I can see how it touches the sky
Sometimes I can see
A loner just like me
Wandering up, up to those mountains high
If I could go up to Mount Imbosile
I believe I could touch a star
Could draw back the clouds from Mount Imbosile's apex
But I can't; the mountains are too far
Lo: it stands up tall up to the sky
Whoa it shadows Stupidity round.
My heart's up in the sky
And that's why I get high
I'm stuck on the ground.
(Walks past a sign that says "The brandy-wine river (there's a
reason we put two alcoholic beverages in the name)" and sees a guy boating
drunk with his wife, it sinks. Then FROTCHUDO walks past signs that say
"MUSHROOMS!" "WEED!" "BEER! Now with new beer-bottles for the
young 'uns")
I'm stuck on the ground
Perhaps someday I'll embrace the moon
Could Atisias teach me to fly
I know somewhere that a mountain stands even higher
I do not doubt I'll never see it
I do not hope to reach that summit
All I know's the only time I'm happy…
Is when I look to mountains high
(Song finishes, FROTCHUDO reaches home)
FROTCHUDO: Andalf! What are you doing here?
ANDALF: I guessed right! Now I'm superior to you!
FROTCHUDO: What did you guess right?
ANDALF: Give me the cookie.
(FROTCHUDO hands over cookie)
(ANDALF throws cookie into a pot of boiling water)
FROTCHUDO: What did you do that for?
ANDALF: Uh, well, I just guessed it would do something,
(FROTCHUDO fishes out cookie)
FROTCHUDO: Hey, look, markings!
(Shows Eridian writings, button at the end saying "next."
Frotchudo pushes button and more writing comes up, another button saying
"previous.")
ANDALF: Ah ha ha, it's confirmed! All my guesses were right! I
rule all!
FROTCHUDO: Wow, it took seventeen years to confirm that?
ANDALF: Shut up you eighthling! The cookie is evil. It was forged
by the MI leader Zichmar, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah
blah blah! Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah
blah, Blah blah blah blah; blah blah blah blah.
FROTCHUDO: How do you forge a cookie?
ANDALF: Look, I don't want to take forever to explain this!
FROTCHUDO: I'm confused.
ANDALF: Didn't you see the beginning monologue?
FROTCHUDO: Of course, we were forced to watch it!
ANDALF: I'm supposed to talk about Kyleum. He loves and hates the
cookie, blah blah blah blah blah blah.
FROTCHUDO: What has he got to do with anything?
ANDALF: Did you not read the book?
FROTCHUDO: I'm getting to it…
ANDALF: Don't you know who you're parodying?
FROTCHUDO: Um… Gandalf?
ANDALF: No! Frodo, you idiot!
FROTCHUDO: What? How abominable! I'd better go read the book.
ANDALF: But first, the quest.
FROTCHUDO: What must I do?
(FROTCHUDO starts packing)
FROTCHUDO: Finished!
ANDALF: You must leave! Start packing.
(FROTCHUDO dumps stuff on floor)
FROTCHUDO: Okay… then what?
ANDALF: Go to Buga-Mocha.
FROTCHUDO: Why?
ANDALF: Because it's in the script you worm! I'll come back in a
few months.
FROTCHUDO: 'Kay
ANDALF: If I'm not there when you leave, you should be really
really really worried.
FROTCHUDO: Okay… I will go to Buga-Mocha, then go on a wild goose
chase around the continent until I finally reach the MI and bake the
cookie. Then I die.
ANDALF: I couldn't have said it better.
(Hears giggling noise outside of window)
ANDALF: Shish!
(ANDALF grabs a stone chair and whacks the bushes as hard as he
can)
RICKY: Hee hee!
(ANDALF pulls Ricky inside)
ANDALF: What the wiffle? Ricky, have you been eavesdropping?
RICKY: (puzzled look) What's an eave?
FROTCHUDO: What have you heard?
RICKY: I've been listening to rock music!
(RICKY holds up a rock to his ear)
RICKY: Bum bum, cha!
ANDALF: Well that settles it. Ricky will go to the MI with
Frotchudo.
FROTCHUDO: What?! No way! I'm not travelling with this idiot! That
would be abominably abominable!
RICKY: A trip? All alone? With MOTCHU? YIPEE!
(RICKY and FROTCHUDO burst into tears)
=== === === === ===
ACT II: To Buga-_Mocha
Scene 1: Motchu's house
FROTCHUDO: Well, all packed.
RICKY: What were you packing for?
FROTCHUDO: Honestly, do you get stupider as time goes on? We're leaving for
Buga-_Mocha.
RICKY: Oh.
FROTCHUDO: You haven't told anyone have you?
RICKY: Uh, I don't remember!
(FROTCHUDO sighs)
FROTCHUDO: I wonder if I'll ever smoke weed here again.
RICKY: That's wonderful, Motchu.
FROTCHUDO: It's not Motchu in the animation!
RICKY: Then what is it?
FROTCHUDO: It's Frotchudo.
RICKY: That's stupid!
FROTCHUDO: You're stupid.
RICKY: If I were stupid how could I do THIS?
(RICKY stands there, fiddling with his tongue)
FROTCHUDO: Yes, you're very talented. Now cram it!
(GAFRIADOC and MIDGIPPIN burst into room)
GAFRIADOC: We've come to see you off!
MIDGIPPIN: Yeah!
FROTCHUDO: How'd you know we were leaving?
GAFRY: Ricky, of course.
FROTCHUDO: YOU TOLD THEM?
RICKY: No Motchu! I didn't tell them that you posses an evil cookie that will destroy the
woild if it's placed in the wrong hands so you have to journey to Buga… Caahcaah and
eventually the Metallic Intellect ITSELF to destroy it in the oven on Mount Legume!
FROTCHUDO: So THAT'S what I have to do! What an abominable notion!
MIDGIPPIN: You remembered all that?
RICKY: Remembered all what?
GAFRY: Well, shucks! Now we have to come with you!
FROTCHUDO: Darn it!
RICKY: Cool!
FROTCHUDO: No it's not cool! It's abominable!
RICKY: (giggles) Hooray!
FROTCHUDO: (sighs) I'm too fat.
RICKY: I know.
FROTCHUDO: Say, does anyone know what a willow-wand is?
GAFRY: No, why?
FROTCHUDO: Just wondering. I'm supposed to be as thin as one at the end of this trip.
GAFRY: Ah.
SCENE 2: Calmiid
(Characters are moving through woods. MIDGIPPIN is drowning in a puddle, GAFRY is
making a 6-course meal, and RICKY is listening to "rock music.")
FROTCHUDO: I'm really really really worried.
RICKY: Here, Motchu, YOU have a listen!
(RICKY tosses a large rock that renders FROTCHUDO unconscious)
(They climb the Stupidian Barricade. GAFRY is cooking snails, MIDGIPPIN has to be
carried, and Ricky keeps rolling down the mountains on purpose)
(They reach Calmiid)
FROTCHUDO: Well, let's go.
GAFRY: I heard these woods are haunted!
FROTCHUDO: Nonsense! Who would haunt these woods?
RICKY: If I were a bird I'd haunt the ocean!
(Loud screeching sound comes from woods)
MIDGIPPIN: (scared) What's that?
(Screeching sound again. Marmalade cat comes out of the bushes)
FROTCHUDO: Oh, it's just Pickles!
PICKLES: MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
RICKY: Hey, Pickles, wanna come along with us? You can be our baggage pony!
GAFRY: Pickles is no pony.
RICKY: Maybe he'll let me ride him!
PICKLES: MEEEE! EEEEE! WEEEE!
FROTCHUDO: I hope he doesn't do this the whole way.
(2 hours later)
PICKLES: EEEEEEEEEE! MEEEEEEEEE!
FROTCHUDO: It's just like a car alarm! Grrr!
MIDGE: What does the script say now?
FROTCHUDO: We have to sing the Cheese Song.
GAFRY: I don't want to sing a song about cheese!
FROTCHUDO: You WILL sing a song about cheese because it's in the script you monstrous
swine! Script script script! CHEESY CHEESY CHEESE CHEESY CHEESY CHEESY CHEESE!
(FROTCHUDO hits GAFRY with the script)
GAFRY: (pauses) GafildaFine!
GAFRY AND MIDGE: (repeating)
Cheesy cheesy cheese, cheesy cheesy cheesy cheese cheese!
FROTCHUDO AND RICKY:
I like cheese! I really like cheese! I like cheese a whole lot!
RICKY:
I'm afraid of cheese! Pizza that is!
FROTCHUDO:
I just like cheese!
ALL:
Kylefornia it's the cheese!
GAFRY AND MIDGE:
Cheesy CHEESE!
RICKY:
So don't cut it please!
(Laughing from bushes, a bunch of rocks come out)
FROTCHUDO: What the?
ROCK1: Hello.
ROCK2: Yes, hello.
FROTCHUDO: Who are you?
ROCK1: Rocks, we are. We're trying to beat the record.
GAFRIADOC: What record?
ROCK2: Well, so far no Lord of the Rings Parody, animation, or movie has had the scene
where you first meet the elves. We're substituting. Come, eat and drink with us, and
none can say we're not close to the book.
FROTCHUDO: Okay.
(They eat)
FROTCHUDO: But where must I find courage? With all the stuff that's about to happen
to me on THIS thing, I'll kinda need it.
ROCK6: You think so? Hmmm… Maybe you should find it in yourself. NO, WAIT! Find it in
another… no… Just do whatever. It is said… (opens thick book) Do not meddle
in affairs
of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
RICKY: Watch while I pretend to snore while secretly am listening in on the conversation!
FROTCHUDO: Oh, chyeah, and it's also said… (Takes book away and scans down page) Go
not to the elves for council, for they will say both no and yes. Hmmm… what's the
council
of Elrond about, then?
MIDGIPPIN: Hey, you guys, remember the house at Crickhollow? We did that scene,
right?
FROTCHUDO: No.
ROCKS: DARN! Well, we'll just be waiting there.
GAFRY: We're skipping that.
(ROCKS disappear so we can get to the next scene)
(Suddenly, 9 BLACK RIDERS and 1 PINK RIDER burst out of the trees)
FROTCHUDO: AAAAAAH!
GAFRY: It's the nine riders from the book!
PINK RIDER: Hi, Motchu!
FROTCHUDO: Ricky?
RICKY: Ricky?
PINK RIDER: Ricky!
RICKY: Ricky!
BLACK RIDER4: There are two of them! Run!
PINK RIDER: Well, gotta go! Hey, fiends, wait up!
(RIDERS exit)
(The travelers look at RICKY)
FROTCHUDO: You're in the league with the black riders? What an abominable notion!
RICKY: The who?
GAFRY: Oh gafildaforget it! We're doomed!
(Voice is heard from behind tree)
CRACKERCOCCI: (whisper) If you build it, they will come.
FROTCHUDO: Wha…?
CRACKERCOCCI: If you build it, they will come.
MIDGIPPIN: What are you talking about?
GAFRY: Oh come on, let's go.
(5 hours later)
CRACKERCOCCI: If you build it, they will come.
FROTCHUDO: Alright, that does it! Shut the MI up!
CRACKERCOCCI: If you build it, they will C-OUCH!
(At that moment FROTCHUDO hits CRACKERCOCCI with tomato)
FROTCHUDO: Who is it?
CRACKERCOCCI: Oh Kyle Crackercocci is a real swell guy! His hat is blue and he smells
like pie!
(A figure jumps out from behind the tree)
RICKY: (sniffs) Hey, you DO smell like pie!
CRACKERCOCCI: Ho! I'm Kyle Crackercocci! The river is my mother-in-law! Come along my
oddities! The house is falling down and Silverbush is waiting!
MIDGIPPIN: Er, okay!
GAFRY: Great. Gafildafirst Ricky, then Pickles, then you.
PICKLES: EEEEE!
Scene 3: House of Kyle Crackercocci
CRACKERCOCCI: We love guests! Ho! They are fun! Heehee haha! We'll have a swell time!
Ding ding, ping a ling, ring a dong Dealdo, ha!
Pile, snack, Kyle Crack, Kyle Crackercocci.
Kyle Crackercocci is a real swell guy!
His hat is blue and he smells like pie!
Teehee! Taha! Whoohoo!
Pom Fom plant! Kyle Crackercocci!
Hey, ho! Joe Schmo!
Teetee laleela dah doe!
FROTCHUDO: Did you say Dealdo?
CRACKERCOCCI: Heck if I know!
MIDGIPPIN: Let's go, he's scaring me!
GAFRY: We can't, they have gafildafood!
CRACKERCOCCI: Okay, now tell me everything.
(3 hours later)
RICKY: And the sparrow stole the cheese! We were at a great loss. That is, until you
came along!
CRACKERCOCCI: Um, what's your purpose?
FROTCHUDO: To get to Buga-_Mocha! Haven't you been listening?
(Part of the roof comes crashing down on RICKY)
RICKY: It's okay, I'm alive!
(FROTCHUDO groans)
RICKY: I know, you'd thought you'd almost lost me.
CRACKERCOCCI: I'm going to tell you a story now.
MIDGIPPIN: Do you have to?
RICKY: HOORAY!
CRACKERCOCCI: Trees are cool. Hohoho! Time isn't really here; it's just the way we want
our life to eat hungry wiffles! Toho! For when we all see things like those, we find that
they are most often over under the time slot of cheap couches.
(4 hours later)
CRACKERCOCCI: And remember, my fine weather friends, toodles and bread aren't
different, only not the same! The End!
FROTCHUDO: You're really done?
GAFRY: Good cheese, gafildafinally? Say, "Master," do you know what a
willow-wand is?
CRACKERCOCCI: The wand of a willow. Why?
GAFRY: Willows don't have wands!
FROTCHUDO: I'm supposed to be one at the end of this trip.
CRACKERCOCCI: Ah… And now it's time to say goodbye to fair Silverbush and I.
SILVERBUSH: Can you go with them? My mother hates you.
CRACKERCOCCI: Ho ho!
FROTCHUDO: Goodbye, fair Silverbush.
SILVERBUSH: Why did I ever marry Kyle Crackercocci? What sort of name is Silverbush
Crackercocci anyway? Oh, yeah, bye. You're cute.
(The travelers exit)
Scene 4: The Wary-ups
FROTCHUDO: Well, here's the Wary-ups. Time for another confusing, abominable scene.
GAFRY: Well, I don't think we should stay on the safety of this hill. We should go out
into the danger.
RICKY: Okay!
FROTCHUDO: This scene is just ITCHING for funny stuff.
RICKY: Look, Motchu, we have to keep a serious tone here. It's a serious place. Being
happy makes no sense!
PICKLES: MRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOWWWWWWWWW!
(RICKY giggles)
RICKY: That's funny!
(Everyone but FROTCHUDO vanishes)
FROTCHUDO: Oh, fishsticks! Why does this always happen? Me, the stupid cookiebearer,
left in the danger! It's insanity! Next thing you know, I'll end up in a cave with my
apparently dead companions and have to kill a strange monster while fighting the urge to
run free with the cookie and then end up summoning that Crackercocci abomination again
and have to endure his singing for what seems like ten years!
(9 hours later)
CRACKERCOCCI: Ho! Here we go! Another rock in the middle of the road!
Hey look, a blade of grass! How totally cool! Whoopee! Kyle Crackercocci!
Old Man Willow! Silverbush! The O'Phelia Moo Ha Ha!
RICKY: COOL! I will repeat that statement over and over at the least convenient of times!
CRACKERCOCCI: Well, here I leave you.
(FROTCHUDO, GAFRY, AND MIDGE cheer. RICKY sighs)
FROTCHUDO: Well, you've led us around the country! What do we do now?
CRACKERCOCCI: Make for the village of Brett!
GAFRY: I heard they have great Mexican gafildafood!
MIDGE: Maybe we can get some Frotchudo there!
(Pause, then laughter)
FROTCHUDO: Shut up you guys, you're being totally immature.
CRACKERCOCCI: Well, bye!
Scene 5: The Dancing Idiot
FROTCHUDO: Here's an inn. The "Dancing Idiot."
RICKY: Sounds cool to me!
GAFRY: Oh well, let's go. I'm hungry.
MIDGE: You ate five meals on the way here!
GAFRY: Look at me! I'm a stick!
RICKY: Bum bum, cha!
(The 5 go inside)
FROTCHUDO: Uh, 'scuse me. We need lodgings here.
BUTTERSPUR: Well uh, okay. Just sign this form, Mr…
RICKY: Dunderhead!
FROTCHUDO: Dunderhead?
BUTTERSPUR: A room for Dunderhead and friends. Now if you'll 'scuse me, I have to go
wash my hands.
FROTCHUDO: I was thinking more along the lines of "Underhill."
RICKY: HELLO! Wake up, Motchu! You're not under a hill! That's so dumb! Am I the only
sane one on this spaceship?
FROTCHUDO: Shut up.
(They go out into the main room)
GENERIC4: Look, Stupidians!
GENERIC5: Tell us everything!
RICKY: Okay!
FROTCHUDO: Don't tell them everything!
GENERIC6: Why not?
GAFRY: Uh, well, it's rather personal.
GENERIC7: You have hemorrhoids too?
GAFRY: No!
GENERIC7: Oh.
GENERIC5: If you're not going to tell us everything, you have to sing a song.
FROTCHUDO: What? Why?
GENERIC4: Because that's what happens in the book, and we like that way better than
the movie.
FROTCHUDO: Uh, I liked the movie's way better.
GENERIC5: Look, it's not OUR fault Elijah Wood can't sing! SING A SONG!
FROTCHUDO: Okay…
Um there once was a… piece of chalk
A mouse that played the piccolo wasn't happy about it
So the piece of chalk got drunk and fell asleep
Over under that mountain of beans
How totally abominable
The End
GENERIC4: Ok; now we have to shove you off the table.
FROTCHUDO: I thought I was supposed to fall off.
GENERIC5: We hated your song, we're going to shove you off.
FROTCHUDO: Noooooooooooo….!
(The generic guys shove FROTCHUDO off table)
(FROTCHUDO lands with his head on top of the cookie)
GENERIC6: Ooh, what a surprise, he disappeared. Now we must cause an uproar.
(FROTCHUDO point of view. Colors and bell music)
FROTCHUDO: Wow, am I high?
(FROTCHUDO walks to a corner and takes cookie out of ear. Things return to normal. A
large raw egg hits him in the head)
FROTCHUDO: Ouch! How abominable!
GENERIC4: Hahaha! It turns out I'm secretly evil and will report all of these things to
the black riders at my house! Farewell, sucker!
RICKY: The O'Phelia moo ha ha twah woid!
DR. WASTRIDER: Psst, you! I'm going to verbally abuse you now that you did that!
FROTCHUDO: They made me do it!
DR. WASTRIDER: Do I care? No, Stupidians are idiots!
FROTCHUDO: You've got that right!
BUTTERSPUR: Uh, what the heck is going on here?
DR. WASTRIDER: Let's go into another room and have a little chat. I'm supposed to
protect you.
BUTTERSPUR: Do you want some crackers? Uh, I can't whistle if I eat too many
crackers.
(They go into back room; GAFRIADOC, MIDGIPPIN, and RICKY are there)
GAFRY: I hate generic people.
PROPAGANDA: I love generic people! You can make them do whatever you want them to
because they have no personalities! Then you can kill them off later!
MIDGIPPIN: You have to hand it to her, she knows her generic people.
DR. WASTRIDER: I am a friend of Andalf.
FROTCHUDO & MIDGIPPIN & Gafry: He has (gafilda)friends?
DR. WASTRIDER: Kinda. I'm supposed to protect you.
BUTTERSPUR: Look, uh, you guys are sc-scaring the customers.
GAFRY: Who cares? They're all a bunch of generic people!
RICKY: I wanna be Germanic!
BUTTERSPUR: I have some news that will uh, ruin your life.
FROTCHUDO: What?
BUTTERSPUR: A letter from Andalf.
FROTCHUDO: How abominable! I hoped he was dead.
(FROTCHUDO opens letter, ANDALF'S voice speaking)
ANDALF: Aaay Frotchudo! Look, I'm a little screwed here, so I'm leaving this blah blah-
FROTCHUDO: Continue.
ANDALF: Letter with a complete idiot and hoping you'll receive it because you're blah
blah-
FROTCHUDO: Okay.
ANDALF: Supposed to leave two months earlier than planned. Don't use IT again.
(FROTCHUDO puts letter away)
FROTCHUDO: I haven't used IT before. (Sigh) I should've known better than to put my
trust in someone who hangs with abominable people like me.
RICKY: You just insulted yourself!
FROTCHUDO: Surprisingly observant, Ricky.
RICKY: I know. Sometimes I have brief rapid periods of utter brilliance.
FROTCHUDO: Why can't you always be like that?
RICKY: The O'Phelia MOO! Ha ha, twah woid?
DR. WASTRIDER: So will you go with me? I'm supposed to protect you.
FROTCHUDO: Will we abominably what?
DR. WASTRIDER: Hello! Go with me to Buga-_Mocha! If you don't you'll get stabbed by
a black rider!
FROTCHUDO: No, if I go with you I'll get stabbed by a black rider!
DR. WASTRIDER: Well you still have to go with me because my hat looks like a
mushroom. Are you my friend?
FROTCHUDO: Yes I'm your friend.
MIDGIPPIN: Awww group hug!
(They hug, FROTCHUDO jumps when "someone" pinches him in the behind)
DR. WASTRIDER: Now you can't go to bed.
FROTCHUDO: Why?
DR. WASRIDER: LOOK! I'M SUPPOSED TO PROTECT YOU! IT'S THE BASIS OF MY
EXISTENCE ON THIS PLANET, OKAY?
(next morning)
DR. WASTRIDER: Now check the rooms.
(they go into the hotel room)
GAFRY: Look! That cup of water has been spilt! They tried to kill us last night!
FROTCHUDO: Okay, okay let's end this abomination, it's getting too long.
Scene 6: Whether bottom
FROTCHUDO: Do you think it's dangerous on an old, abominable watchtower that can be
seen for miles out in the open?
RICKY: I hope so.
DR. WASTRIDER: I'm going to leave and stroll around because I'm supposed to protect
you.
(DR. WASTRIDER leaves. BLACK RIDERS and PINK RIDER enter the scene.)
FROTCHUDO: Yoink!
(PINK RIDER comes up to FROTCHUDO)
PINK RIDER: Hi, Motchu!
FROTCHUDO: Stay away!
(FROTCHUDO puts on cookie)
PINK RIDER: Hee hee I can still see you!
FROTCHUDO: Why?
PINK RIDER: I dunno. Hey, Motchu, my friends here say I'm supposed to cut off your
arm with a special knife.
FROTCHUDO: No you aren't! You're supposed to give it a small jab!
PINK RIDER: Here goes!
(PINK RIDER cuts off FROTCHUDO'S arm. FROTCHUDO'S mouth becomes abnormally
large and looks constipated, somewhat like Elijah Wood)
FROTCHUDO: Aaaaah!
BLACK RIDER1: Ricky, you fool! You're supposed to pierce his HEART, not cut off his
ARM!
PINK RIDER: Sorry guys! I forgot.
BLACKRIDER2: Oh look, here comes a guy with fire!
(BLACK and PINK RIDER exit, DR. WASTRIDER enter, smoking)
DR. WASTRIDER: Did I miss anything?
(Looks at FROTCHUDO writhing on the floor)
FROTCHUDO: Dude! They cut off my arm! How abominable!
DR. WASTRIDER: Oh. Well stop being such a baby. I suppose you're going to tell me you
can't WALK, or
SING A SONG ABOUT TROLLS.
(pause)
PROPAGANDA: Yes, it's the sad truth, I actually read the songs. No no, don't call the
insane assylum. It's research, that's all, and sometimes just because I want to have a
good cry. And come on, can you really help not reading the bathtub song? You can? Well,
bye.
(unpause)
FROTCHUDO: No!
DR. WASTRIDER: Okay then, you'll have to ride on Pickles and listen to me sing.
FROTCHUDO: No, I'll do it!
(12 days later, FROTCHUDO is riding on PICKLES and singing)
FROTCHUDO: Uh, trolly trolly troll; trolly trolly trolly, troll troll. Trolly troll;
trolly
troll; troll. I'm having a bad day.
MENTHOL: Hi.
DR. WASTRIDER: Hi.
FROTCHUDO: Who are you?
MENTHOL: I'm Menthol. I obviously parody the character Glorfindel. Those of you who
saw the movie but didn't bother to read the books will wonder where Arwen is. I hate
her. Luckily, so does the writer. All the 8 times she's seen that movie she's yelled,
"WHERE IS GLORFINDEL?" I'm glad she took my side. Now I get to say a couple of
lines. Frotchudo even gets to do the Ford scene BY HIMSELF, the way it was meant to be
and the way that actually LOOKS GOOD GOSH DARNIT! Okay?
DR. WASTRIDER: Okay, we believe you.
RICKY: The O'Phelia MOO! Ha ha twah woid.
MENTHOL: I'll give you my horse, Assfault. If any enemies come, it will run really fast
and away from us
where all the weapons and defense is.
FROTCHUDO: Oh, good.
GAFRY: Say, Menthol, do you know what a willow-wand is?
MENTHOL: Ask Dr. Wastakagorn.
GAFRY: Dr.-
WASTAKAGORN: Ask Menthol.
FROTCHUDO: (starting to cry, with Ricky putting hand on shoulder) And then, my parents
just decided to DIE, leaving me in that stupid, stupid insane asylum!
RICKY: They never had less than a couple hundred relations in the place.
(Suddenly, BLACK RIDERS and PINK RIDER appear)
FROTCHUDO: ABOMINATIONALLY ABOMINABLE! WHAT AN ABOMINA-
(Rides fast with ALL RIDERS chasing)
MENTHOL: He's headed for the River of Bruinbennedeniden.
PROPAGANDA: Wait, he's CROSSING the river.
DR. WASTRIDER: Yeah, so?
PROPAGANDA: He can't cross the river! It's six fathoms deep!
DR. WASTRIDER: What? Why?
PROPAGANDA: You said you needed a river... you didn't say anything about CROSSING
it.
FROTCHUDO: Thou shalt ne'er obtain the cookie nor me!
DR. WASTRIDER: Well, at least it will drown the black riders.
PROPAGANDA: That reminds me. RELEASE THE FLOODS!
(Hears giggling of the PINK RIDER, loud whooshing noises, screaming of FROTCHUDO)
DR. WASTRIDER: Ooh. Too soon…
PROPAGANDA: That should hurt.
RICKY: Bye bye, Motchu.
=== === === === ===
Act III: The Fellowship of the Cookie
Scene 1: Buga-_Mocha
(FROTCHUDO wakes in a room with invisible walls, and a sign that says "See the
Stupidian Freak! Only until he wakes up!" "Vier ont Stupidian calmîder! Ashtae
clavine dî akai'r la!")
FROTCHUDO: Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?
BUGA-MOCHANS: Ti! Dî akai'r!
FROTCHUDO: Hey, my arm grew back!
ANDALF: You are at Buga-_Mocha.
FROTCHUDO: Oh no, it's you! Go away!
ANDALF: No, I have to talk for a very long time!
FROTCHUDO: No thanks.
ANDALF: Don't you want to know why I didn't meet you?
FROTCHUDO: Not really.
ANDALF: In that case, I'll talk for a few pages about horses.
FROTCHUDO: Uh… no. I think I'll go do something constructive.
(suddenly they hear screaming)
RICKY: MOTCHU! MOTCHU! MOTTTCCCCHHHHUUUUU!!!
FROTCHUDO: WHAT?
RICKY: Hi. I stared at you while you were sleeping!
FROTCHUDO: Uh, wonderful.
RICKY: I learned something really weird too!
FROTCHUDO: What?
RICKY: Say, Frotchudo, did you know we're on a quest?
FROTCHUDO: I'm surrounded by abominable idiots!
ANDALF: (rising up threateningly) YOU DIDN'T ASK ME WHY I DIDN'T MEET YOU, YOU UNCARING
PIG!
FROTCHUDO: Well, sorry, I've kinda been dying for the last three days. (Walks off
grumbling)
(FROTCHUDO exit)
RICKY: Hey, Andalf! You're back! Hooray!
(The council of SMELLROND)
SMELLROND: You've all come here simultaneously to get questions answered that are
coincidentally all related.
FROTCHUDO: Gee, how'd you guess?
SMELLROND: First, unrelated and unimportant business, even though we should be making
haste. Flimli, you go first.
FLIMLI: I'm here on behalf of my cousin, Balin. He went into the Mind of Al-Goria nigh on
thirty years ago.
EVERYONE: Gasp!
SMELLROND: Why the heck would he do that?
FLIMLI: It's crucial to the script! Let me finish.
SMELLROND: Ok.
FLIMLI: He went with all our important people even though he knew he was doomed. We
haven't heard from him since. Tell me what the heck is going on since I assume you know
everything.
SMELLROND: I can give you all the answers, but I'll hold them off to keep the plot going.
FLIMLI: Rats. I guess my whole life is pointless then.
FLANNOLAS: Oi! I have come here to tell you that-
SMELLROND: Not yet, you dolt! It's Robert Eric Smith Jones Kyle Boromir's turn.
RESJKB: Well, my brother and I had a weird dream that is oddly totally related to the
quest. Here's what some stupid voice said-
RICKY:
Seek for the salad shooter that ran out of ammo
In Buga-_Mocha it is
We shall all talk needlessly
Of stuff that's not our biz
There shall be shown a token
That Vegetables are near at hand
For the baked good shall be woken
And the Stupidian forth shall stand
RESJKB: That's it! That's the voice! You must be some sort of prophet!
(FROTCHUDO starts laughing and falls to the floor. Soon everyone, including RICKY, is
laughing on the floor except RESJKB)
ANDALF: Good One, Robert Eric Smith Jones Kyle Boromir!
GAFRY: Yeah, the long awaited idiot! A prophet!
RESJKB: Gar! Now I will hate you all, especially Frotchudo.
FROTCHUDO: What? Why?
RESJKB: Because.
SMELLROND: Okay, okay, order. Frotchudo, stand up and show him the cookie.
(FROTCHUDO stands & presents cookie)
RESJKB: Wow! All the questions of the universe have been answered in my mind!
FROTCHUDO: Can you answer some of mine?
RESJKB: No, I hate you, remember?
FROTCHUDO: What if I told Ricky The Abominable and he asked you?
RESJKB: Well, okay.
(FROTCHUDO whispers in RICKY'S ear)
RICKY: Why doesn't Frotchudo wear any underwear?
(Everyone laughs)
FROTCHUDO: Hey, that's not what I asked!
RICKY: Why does his name sound like a Mexican food?
FROTCHUDO: WHAT? How abominable!
SMELLROND: Alright, alright. This is going to take forever and we still have to get
through a bunch of people. Next: I tell the story of the cookie.
(SMELLROND gets out script and starts to read beginning monologue)
FROTCHUDO: We've already seen that abomination.
SMELLROND: Oh. Dealdo, you tell your story.
DEALDO: Alright. A bunch of idiot weedlings dragged me out of my house on a hopeless quest
for no real reason but this eigthling Andalf told them I was cool. Then I went through a
whole lot of schmuck and eventually found the cookie in a cave, and had a contest with
Kyleum. Then I left because I'm smart. Then I went through some other junk for no real
reason, and went home. And what did I get? Corruption and a deadbeat nephew with a house
smack dab in the middle of an idiot town!
WHY?!?!?! Ai, zut.
SMELLROND: Thanks for wrapping that up quickly. Go, Frotchudo.
FROTCHUDO: Dr. Wastakagorn is an idiot.
SMELLROND: Good.
FLANNOLAS: Can I go now?
SMELLROND: Yes.
FLANNOLAS: Ai! Ei! Ii! Oi! Ui! Kyleum has escaped!
SMELLROND: He was captured?
FLANNOLAS: Oh yeah, that too.
SMELLROND: We only have one more tale to tell, luckily. Andalf?
EVERYONE: Oh no.
ANDALF: Okay. It all began on a crisp clear morning over in sunny blah blah…
(screen changes to Fieldage)
SARUMASENHOWEFELDER: Hello, Andalf.
ANDALF: Hello, Sarumasenhowefelder.
SARUMAS: I'm totally evil, but you must come in.
ANDALF: Okay!
(they go inside)
SARUMAS: We must join with Zichmar!
ANDALF: Why?
SARUMAS: He needs a sidekick!
ANDALF: Oh. But I can't, there's the quest and all.
SARUMAS: Darn. Then my eyes have to grow very beady and I must lock you on top of the
tower.
ANDALF: Oh.
(ANDALF is on top of tower)
ANDALF: I'm pacing back and forth. The moon shines in my hair! It was only a dream. Well
you came too late then.
(KWAHIR the Kyle's hat comes up and saves him)
ANDALF: Hooray!
(back to Buga-_Mocha)
ANDALF: And that is my story. Forgive the length of it.
SMELLROND: Well it's about time! Now all we have to decide is what to do with the cookie.
Who will destroy it?
FROTCHUDO: I suddenly have the strongest urge of my life to stay here forever with Dealdo
and live in utter happiness. The last thing I want to do is go on a quest and I detest
everything that has to do with the cookie. I hate the plot of this abominable movie, and
I'll end up being permanently corrupted. I don't want to do this. So what will I do?
(FROTCHUDO stands up)
FROTCHUDO: I'll take the cookie to the MI and destroy it.
SMELLROND: Bair. This is the hour of the Stupidian-folk, when they rise from their fields
to shake the towers and councils of the great.
FROTCHUDO: Uh, not really. They're not doing anything to help at all.
SMELLROND: Oh. Oh well. I won't help you guys out that much, even though I'm really
powerful. I'll send people with you as an annoyance even though they will only last two
months before doing other things. Flimli, you go. Flannolas too.
FLANNOLAS: Did I mention I'm immortal?
SMELLROND: Robert Eric Smith Jones Kyle Boromir, Andalf, Dr. Wastakagorn… uh…
FROTCHUDO: Great. All the people I hate.
RICKY: I'm coming too!
FROTCHUDO: I stand corrected. This is really abominable!
SMELLROND: Take your stupid little useless friends with you, I don't want them fowling up
my place. Now get out, even if this is the last peaceful day of your life.
Scene 2: The Mind of Al-Goria
(They approach Nothing)
DR. WASTAKAGORN: Alright. We head east to the Snowy Mountains where the Evil One defeats
us.
FROTCHUDO: Hooray?
FLANNOLAS: I can walk across rope, I'm cool, I have sweet hair and a bow and arrow, all
the women like me, I'm immortal. I have skills! I'm cool! Everyone says I have the best
personality even though I'm a terrible actor with too much makeup who can't even look sad,
but since I'm handsome they are blinded by my softened look and tricked into thinking I am
kind even if I am really too shallow to comprehend and should be brought out and shot. Did
I mention I'm immortal?
GAFRY: Andalf, what's a willow-wand?
ANDALF: You will know very soon, but alas now is not the time.
GAFRY: How about now?
ANDALF: No.
FLANNOLAS: I know what a willow-wand is! I know every aspect of the willow-wand! I bet you
wish I'd tell you. But if I did, then you'd know something that I did. And we can't have
that, now can we?
ANDALF: Here is Nothing.
DR. WASTAKAGORN: Do we have to cross it?
ANDALF: You're the guide!
FROTCHUDO: Look, seeing as I'm the only one who's studied a map of this place, I'd say
that if we went into Nothing at the right angle we could pop out several miles abominably
quicker than if we went around it.
RICKY: I think it's a good idea.
DR. WASTAKAGORN: Then it's a bad idea.
ANDALF: Let's try it.
(they enter Nothing and disappear, reappear way on the other side)
ANDALF: Darn. We popped up on the wrong side.
RICKY: Yay!
FROTCHUDO: Oh well, at least now we can avoid the abominable Al Goria and Sharaselum, and
I won't get attacked by Robert Eric Smith Jones Kyle Boromir.
RESJKB: Wrong, bucko.
DR. WASTAKAGORN: No, look! The mines are right there!
FROTCHUDO: You mean we're skipping the spies of Sarumasenhowefelder and the snowy
mountain?
ANDALF: Yeah, We should have gone that way.
FROTCHUDO: How abominable! I guess we're really rushing through the end of the book.
PROPAGANDA: Well I'm getting tired.
(Suddenly a group of people come out of nearby trees)
CHRISTIAN1: Hello, friends. Care to join in Fellowship with us?
FLANNOLAS: No thanks. We're already a Fellowship.
CHRISTIAN2: A Fellowship of Christ?
FROTCHUDO: No, we're the Fellowship of the Evil Cookie.
CHRISTIAN3: You mean the Fellowship of SATAN?!
FOC: What?
ANDALF: We don't worship the cookie. We're trying to get rid of it.
CHRISTIANS: Ooooh. Well good luck to you then. Pizza?
FROTCHUDO: Oh, no thanks.
CHRISTIANS: Well, bye now.
(CHRISTIANS exit)
MIDGIPPIN: What was that all about?
ANDALF: Who cares? Let's enter the Mind.
(Fieldage)
SARUMAS: (to CRACKBERRY) Do you know how the Stupidians first came into existence? The
were once Eridians. But they were stupid, so they got tossed out. That has nothing to do
with you, however, my cute little Crackberry. Who's your daddy?
CRACKBERRY: Saumasenhowefelder.
SARUMAS: Good.
(Entrance to Al Goria)
ANDALF: The entrance. It says "Say the word "cheese" and enter."
Brilliant.
MIDGE: What do you mean?
ANDALF: It's obviously a riddle of some kind.
FROTCHUDO: Try saying the word "cheese."
ANDALF: No! It's obviously a trick to make you look stupid!
FROTCHUDO: No, it's just the password.
ANDALF: I refuse to say the word cheese in Eridian.
FROTCHUDO: Fine!
(Walks up to door)
FROTCHUDO: Andalf all mesa abominable! Mesa SA des mavi ont abominable mativia! Oclmar!
OCLMAR OCLMAR OCLMAR ZUT ISAM!
(LIITLEDUDE comes out from behind rock with a small stick)
LITTLEDUDE: Ai, oclmar zut! Oi, oi, oclmar!
(LITTLEDUDE hits wall with stick, wall opens)
LITTLEDUDE: Kar! Kar Oclmar! Oi, oi, zut Isam!
(Runs back behind rock)
FROTCHUDO: I'm way too overqualified to be a Stupidian.
DR. WASTAKAGORN: Hey! You can't do that; it makes us all look stupid!
FROTCHUDO: Oh, like they can't already tell you got screwed on the brains portion? Get a
life, this is MY quest, not YOURS, you abominable abominated abominatoid of an
abomination!
PROAGANDA: In a bad mood, are we?
FROTCHUDO: Only because I get hurt again already in the next chapter. I figure, why me?
I'm the only useful person here… kill THEM off.
PROPAGANDA: Don't worry, I will. I hate them all, so very very much.
FROTCHUDO: Hey, so do I!
PROPAGANDA: Hoorah!
(Pause)
PROPAGANDA: I was tired when I wrote this.
(Others start heading for the Mind, as they pass a lake a tiny tentacle comes out of water
and taps FROTCHUDO on shoulder)
FROTCHUDO: AAAAAH (sissy scream)
(Everyone pauses, then laughter)
FLIMLI: That was great, Frotchudo.
ANDALF: Now, now, into the Mind.
(they enter the Mind)
GAFRIADOC: Wow, it sure is empty in here!
RICKY: Bum bum, cha!
FLIMLI: Look! 'Tis the tomb of Balin! He's dead; Killed by evil things that still roam
this empty nutshell. Do you think it's dangerous here?
FROTCHUDO: (sarcastically) No!
FLIMLI: Can I sing a song?
ANDALF: Oh, what the hey.
FLIMLI:
There is nothing to find in Al Goria's mind
There's an echo in the halls
Bouncing off these empty walls
We wish there had been a way
To mine for good lingerie
But alas; these comforts were taken away.
There's a lot of space and a lot of room
In Al Goria, in Caused Doom
Though the creature in the deep may chop our heads off
We don't care- we mine for underwear
It's too dark to see the floor
We can't get out nor escape
Where's the exit? Where's the door?
But here we sit inside our chairs
Breaking our heads open as we fall down the stairs
But it's our home; the home of the idiots, that is
RICKY: I wish I lived here.
ANDALF: You fool of a Took! Now all the Crackberries of the MI are upon us!
MIDGIPPIN: What did I do?
(fighting scene. Suddenly a spear comes out and pins FROTCHUDO against the wall.)
FROTCHUDO: DUDE! ABOMINABLE!
(sudden slow motion)
FROTCHUDO: GACK! GARK! And with a kiss, I die.
RICKY:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Suddenly all the CRACKBERRIES disappear magically so everyone can run over to FROTCHUDO)
DR. WASTAKAGORN: Dude, you shouldn't have died! Now how can I protect you?
FROTCHUDO: I'm okay! I was just joking!
EVERYONE: (pauses) Ooh he was just JOKING! Good one, Frotchudo! Ha ha ha!
DR. WASTAKAGORN: Well, I still have to take off your shirt because it'll make the ladies
go "ooh."
GAFRY: You're confusing him with Elijah Wood.
RICKY: Believe me, he doesn't look so great naked either.
(everyone stares at RICKY. DR. WASTAKAGORN takes off FROTCHUDO'S shirt)
EVERYONE: GASP!
ANDALF: Lingerie!
RICKY: Hey, I have a bunch of that stuff at home!
WASTAKAGORN: Hmmm… I'm supposed to show relief. Now I remember! I'm supposed to show
FONDNESS towards Frotchudo… but as the actor in the movie failed at it, I don't feel
any responsibility to do so.
FROTCHUDO: What are you talking about?
WASTAKAGORN: Didn't you notice? He was way to subtle. Maybe I should just sit here, except
for the occasional moving in slow motion thing he was good at.
FLANNOLAS: Ai! Ach! Oi! Och! Eyuiech!
GAFRY: What is it?
ANDALF: Look! A Teddy Bear! Run because I'm a sissy!
DR. WASTAKAGORN: I'll never run from a Teddy Bear!
FROTCHUDO: Look. Dr. Wastakagorn. You have a mushroom for a hat!
DR. WASTAKAGORN: Right. RUN!
(they run until they get to a tiny bridge)
FROTCHUDO: Gee, I thought this bridge was famous.
(They run across, ANDALF stops in the middle)
ANDALF: Uh, I'm a servant of the.. what was that? Anyway, this bridge blah blah blah blah
blah.
FROTCHUDO: Andalf!
TEDDY BEAR: SMOOSH.
(teddy bear falls off bridge with ANDALF hanging on the edge)
ANDALF: Fly, you fools!
(more rocks fall)
ANDALF: I'm supposed to let go now.
(ANDALF let's go)
RICKY: Don't forget, pizza at lunch!
FROTCHUDO: Noooooo.
(sits on top of RESJKB for effect, still saying noooooo)
DR. WASTAKAGORN: Now, what was I supposed to do here? Hmmm… um… well…
onward!
FROTCHUDO: Not even the Isam could describe how much I loathe you, Dr. Wastakagorn. I hate
you so very very abominably much.
Scene 3: Sharaselum
FLIMLI: Ha ha ha, I see all!
FLANNOLAS: Did I mention that this is my homeland? I have a good voice. They love me here.
Propaganda hates me, can you tell? I think she hates all the elves.
PROPAGANDA: I think I do too! I'm also getting sick of thinking up new names, so here's
Haldir.
HALDIR: Come with me or I'll CGI your-
RICKY: Uh, strictly, you're not allowed to cuss or anything in this animation because
yeah. Also that phrase was taken from a parody that was copyrighted so we'll get totally
sued.
FROTCHUDO: Another brief rapid period of utter brilliance, Ricky?
RICKY: Yeah. They're getting more frequent, it must mean something, like you're going to
die at the end of the Two-
FROTCHUDO: End of the what?
PROPAGANDA: CRAM IT OR DIE!
MIDGIPPIN: That would do us all a favor.
FROTCHUDO: Man, I hate you guys.
CALLIOPE: Here I am. Tell me when you get sick of this boring music. I can't believe elves
listen to this stuff.
FROTCHUDO: Wow, it's pretty pretty here.
RICKY: Pretty pretty pretty!
CALLIOPE: Thanks. I have to read your minds, but first, Cogswaltz!
COGSWALTZ: (singing)
Eight there are! But nine there were!
Set out from Buga-_Mocha!
Tell! ME where is An! Dalf!
For I much desire to kill him!
FROTCHUDO: Alas he fell into the abominable inky abyss with a giant evil teddy bear named
Mr. Fuzzelsteins.
COGSWALTZ: Oh.
CALLIOPE: Okay, okay, I've read your minds. You're all idiots. Go to sleep, here's a
couch.
FROTCHUDO: How kind, yet abominable still.
(a month later)
FROTCHUDO: We've been sleeping here for quite a while.
(RICKY runs up)
RICKY: MOTCHU! MOTCHU! It's time for the mirror scene!
FROTCHUDO: What? Already? I'm coming!
(They go to CALLIOPE)
CALLIOPE: Notice how I say HELLO before asking my question: Hello. Will you look in the
mirror?
FROTCHUDO: That's not a mirror! That's a cake pan!
CALLIOPE: A magic cake pan! Will you look into it?
FROTCHUDO: What will I see?
CALLIOPE: Even the wisest cannot tell, for the cake pan sees many things. Things that
happened, things that are happening, and some things that have not happened yet. Notice
how I hold this water jug without pointing my finger, unlike SOME people in the movie I
know.
RICKY: Can I look?
CALLIOPE: Sure.
(RICKY looks in. He sees Stupidity on fire, people dying, and he giggles. Then he sees
FROTCHUDO with his head cut off under a cliff)
FROTCHUDO: What did you see?
RICKY: I have no idea, but I can assure you it has some sort of huge significance to the
next two books!
FROTCHUDO: Okay, my turn.
(FROTCHUDO sees ANDALF walking)
FROTCHUDO: Ai, abomination! Andalf's alive!
(FROTCHUDO sees the eye)
ORTSAC: Huh huh! I see you!
FROTCHUDO: GALACKTICK!
RICKY: What did you see?
FROTCHUDO: A big fat guy with a paper eye taped to his head.
RICKY: So?
FROTCHUDO: Less significance, more confusion.
CALLIOPE: Okay, what happens next?
FROTCHUDO: I offer you the abominable cookie. You can have it, if you want.
CALLIOPE: I do not deny that my stomach has greatly desired this… instead of an MI
leader you would have another QUEEN! NOT WITH A HAT, BUT WITH HAIR! FOOLS! FOOLS OF TOOKS!
DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM? I AM STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH! I ALREADY RULE
YOU, YOU PUNY LITTLE PIECE OF CHEWED GUM! BOW DOWN TO CALLIOPE! BWA HA HA HA HA!
FROTCHUDO: Uh, wow?
CALLIOPE: Sorry… um… I passed the test?
FROTCHUDO: What would you do with the cookie if I gave it to you?
CALLIOPE: Oh, just throw it in the giant closet with the other several hundred magic
cookies.
(CALLIOPE exit)
RICKY: Wow. I think we had one of those guy moments, you know? Where your hands touch and
you feel all warm and fuzzy, you know?
FROTCHUDO: Did you say you STARE at me while I SLEEP?
RICKY: Yeah. I wrote a paragraph describing what you look like. Wanna hear it?
FROTCHUDO: No! Get away from me!
(The docks)
CALLIOPE: Okay now I have to give you stuff. Here, Frotchudo, is some sort of teddy bear
flashlight that you probably won't have any use for, but what do I know? ONLY EVERYTHING!
BWA HA- here you go, Dr. Wastakagorn. I give you this stupid sword hilt.
DR. WASTAKI: Gee, thanks.
FLIMLI: GIVE ME YOUR HAIR! ALL OF IT!
CALLIOPE: No! No! Here, you can have some of Ricky's. Speaking of Ricky, you get this
crummy old box full of dirt!
RICKY: I got the best present!
CALLIOPE: Flannolas gets a bow with arrows even though he already has a perfectly fine
set.
FLANNOLAS: Did you guys know I'm immortal?
CALLIOPE: Robert Eric Smith Jones Kyle Boromir… I don't remember what I give you.
I'll mail it to you when I find the time to look it up in the book. Gafry and Midgippin,
you get belts. Awesome. Here are some boats, WIPE YOUR FEET and I expect them to be
returned to us pronto upon your completion or failination of your quest.
FROTCHUDO: Failination isn't a word.
CALLIOPE: Shut up, cookiebearer. Is that everyone? Good? I have to sing a song now. Here
goes… Frotchudo, you translate:
Ti! Tas ont oclmar om ont murry á matîl qual ouratna.
Me habita all va giller milla Ricky ovra out ont syi or ont sato'r faradle om ise
tasîdna.
Miña ouv grov anhilav ise fontavia présatien?
Mar ouv Calliope, Ya li a á Erid, grov bild batré gen shil or shinle or avier om gen
siland.
Ouv gona om tevra untise all… Oun î Tîl. Avier cyaré Ricky! Tonly yon necro mîay
Oun î Tîl Tonly yon nevro yover mîay me?
Mana des souvre morn? Saure cord all abominable; Wenthil grov faviende Frodo mar evin
devitalien. Avier!
FROTCHUDO: Ah! Like the cheese in the bucket of truth we find ourselves
It's been a while since Ricky came from the sky and the stars trembled at his wakening
Who now shall defeat his everlasting presence?
For now Calliope, Queen of Erid, will bring out her ships and boats and sail to her Island
Now lost to those outside is… Oun ii Tiil. Farewell besides Ricky! Maybe thou shalt
find Oun ii Tiil. Maybe thou shalt even find it? What does that mean? This song is
abominable; we should sue Frodo for bad translation. Farewell!
Scene 4: The end (finally)
FROTCHUDO: Well, here we are. Man I'm tired.
RESJKB: YOU MUST ALL COME WITH ME TO MY LAND BECAUSE I SAY SO!
FROTCHUDO: Great. Now I must decide the fate of this all. Give me but an hour and I will
decide where we are to go.
RESJKB: YOU'D BETTER DECIDE TO GO TO KYA DON! I'M MEANER THAN YOU!
FROTCHUDO: I'm twice as old as you are, you zygote! So abominate it!
(FROTCHUDO exit, RESJKB follows soon after)
FLIMLI: I wonder where he'll decide.
MIDGIPPIN: I know everything, and I want to hold off the quest because I'm an idiot and
too young to understand anything.
RICKY: Uh, you guys don't get it. Motchu will screw himself.
(They stare at him)
RICKY: Believe me, I know, I watch him while he sleeps.
GAFRY: You really didn't have to say that, Ricky.
(FROTCHUDO is sitting on a rock)
FROTCHUDO: I'm so scared I peed my pants.
RESJKB: Ha ha! I heard that!
FROTCHUDO: Oh for Abomination's sake, leave me alone for three seconds if you hate me so
much!
RESJKB: Give me the cookie.
FROTCHUDO: No!
RESJKB: I need it to defend my homeland! It's more important than yours… you're…
you're an idiot!
FROTCHUDO: No s**t Sherlock! It's also evil! I'm not giving it to you!
RESJKB: Then I'll take it by force!
(RESJKB attacks FROTCHUDO, who puts the cookie in his ear and runs)
RESJKB: What the Gark?
FROTCHUDO: I think I just screwed myself.
(FROTCHUDO sees a bunch of mountains and falls off a cliff before taking out the cookie)
FROTCHUDO: Wow. I don't know what all the mountains meant, but somehow I've come to the
realization by almost breaking my neck that I have to go to the MI alone. Oh well, they'll
never get it. Or was it abominably I come to you? I'm confused.
(Runs down to boats, gets in and starts off)
RICKY: MOTCHU!!!!!! MOOOOOTTTTTCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!
FROTCHUDO: Go away, Ricky!
(Ricky jumps into water, starts flailing around)
RICKY: Help! I can't swim and all!
FROTCHUDO: Sigh. Should I rescue him, or no?
(Visions of all the times Ricky has died and come back to life run through screen, play
"Motchu's suicide" scene)
FROTCHUDO: Nah.
(Frotchudo exit, begin Fellowship of Cookie song)
CALLIOPE:
My people are tainted with corrupt
'Cause of this thing, this one glimpse of doom
And yet they live in Erid
As their ancestors did
Under the sun
And eight giant moons
They thought the evil had been eaten
That it died with the Roons of old time
But now it's been found
Buried under the ground
And now they have
To destroy it somehow
It's the Fellowship of the cookie
For it binds us all
With its psycho evil powers
Corrupts the big and small
Till they find a way
To destroy its mind control
It's the Fellowship…
The Fellowship of the cookie
RICKY:
I like beans and Motchu. They are cool.
MIDGIPPIN AND GAFRY:
Though there's something not right
Whether the sun is too bright
We know that we are on some sort of quest
ANDALF:
I am glad that I've fallen
Though it's only temporary
For I've left these dumb guys
And fallen out of site of the skies
EVERYONE:
And we hope that he has died with the rest!
CALLIOPE:
The dumbest thing on the planet
That could be of an evil air
But still right here it lies
Made by the evil MIs
Under the Earth, in a cavern of cheese
And yet, there's hope with the sunrise
Though sometimes she forgets to rise up
For there is a number of nine
Whose lives can save yours and mine
So all rise up, and rejoice in the breeze
EVERYONE:
It's the (gafilda)Fellowship of the cookie!
For it binds us all!
With its psycho Evil powers
Corrupts the big and small
Till we(gafilda) find a way
To destroy its mind control
It's the (gafilda)Fellowship…
The (gafilda)Fellowship of the cookie!
CRACKERCOCCI: Toho!
Bloopers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Outside of Motchu's house, DEALDO is smoking with ANDALF)
DEALDO: Huh huh. I love weed.
ANDALF: Dude, the chapter on weed in the book said that only hobbits smoke it. But then
later on, EVERYONE is stoned on it! Huh huh!
(ANDALF starts laughing uncontrollably, starts rolling down hill laughing and choking)
(Inside Motchu's house, DEALDO is clutching the cookie and FROTCHUDO is staring at him)
DEALDO: NO! NO! IT'S MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! I FOUND IT! IT'S MINE! IT'S MINE! NO! YOU
CAN'T HAVE IT! IT'S MINE! I FOUND IT, NOT YOU! MINE! MINE! NO! NO! NO! NO! I FOUND IT!
IT'S MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! I WON'T GIVE IT TO YOU! IT'S MINE! NOT
YOURS! I DIDN'T STEAL IT! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? IT'S MINE! MINE! MY DEAREST! YOU CAN'T HAVE
IT! I FOUND IT! MINE-
(FROTCHUDO exit, PROPAGANDA ENTER, looking disgruntled at DEALDO)
DEALDO: -MINE, I SAY! MINE! NOT YOURS! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT, I FOUND IT! IT'S MINE! NOT
ANYONE'S BUT MINE, IT'S- I'll shut up if you kiss me.
PROPAGANDA: Maybe if you were about 117 years younger you old goat.
DEALDO: (pause, then looks angry) IT'S MINE!
PROPAGANDA: Give it to me.
DEALDO: Yes ma'am.
(Night. Crickets chirping)
RICKY: Moootchuuuuu…
FROTCHUDO: What is it?
RICKY: What's a willow-waaaaand?
FROTCHUDO: If I knew it would have saved many a scene.
RICKY: What's a willow-waaaaaaand?
FROTCHUDO: I SAID, if I knew, it would have saved many a scene.
RICKY: What's a willow-waaaaand?
FROTCHUDO: (pause) I'm a willow-wand.
RICKY: Really?
FROTCHUDO: Yes, I am a willow-wand. How abominable.
(Sharaselum)
CALLIOPE: Oh, just throw it in the giant closet with the other several hundred magic
cookies.
(CALLIOPE exit)
RICKY: Wow. I think we had one of those guy moments, you know? Where your hands touch and
you feel all warm and fuzzy, you know?
FROTCHUDO: Did you say you STARE at me while I SLEEP?
(ANDALF suddenly pops out of midair and starts break dancing)
ANDALF: Heeey!
(FROTCHUDO and RICKY stare at him)
ANDALF: Dig my wizard-stick?
FROTCHUDO: Dude… not cool.
RICKY: -it 'twas as if someone had broughteth a hammer and whacked him in the face so he
looked beautiful. Wow. Doesn't that speak to you? It does to me. It's telling me, that
while you're sleeping, I-
FROTCHUDO: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHH!
(FROTCHUDO exit)
RICKY: Nice going, Sam. Now he won't want to spend the next two books with me for fear
that while he's sleeping I-