Writings

Author: Lindsey Phillips
Title: One Screwed Up Kid
Type of Work: fan fic script
Source: CMv1 #27

(Kyle's House Kyle's dad is swinging a wedding invitation around)

Gerald: I know, Sheila, but they're our friends, I don't see a way out of it!

Sheila: Fine. But I'm not letting Kyle listen to it. We've got to keep him away from

Christianity!

Gerald: Ok, ok! He can stay upstairs with us!

===

(Cartman's house. The kids are watching TV.)

CARTMAN (pissed): I can't believe we have to go to that lame wedding tomorrow.

Stan: Yeah. I mean, we drive for two hours, sit in the kids' room, then have to sit and

listen to the priest read sections of the bible for FUN.

(They look at Kyle)

Kyle: What?

Stan: Are your parents making you go to the wedding?

Kyle: Yeah

Cartman: In the lame kiddy room?

Kyle (looks down): uh, no.

Cartman: RRRRRRRGH! (Couldn't resist, it's my mark)

Kyle: There's no way they'd let me listen to that priest read the bible. They say it's

too risky.

Stan: What do you mean?

Kyle: They don't trust me with Christianity anymore.

===

(Next day at wedding. Cartman, Stan, & Kenny are sitting in kiddy room. Kyle's standing

with his parents.)

Kyle's dad: Bye kids. Have fun… (Leaving room)… Say, Kyle, ever tried vodka?

(Shows pictures of a priest reading the bible, kids are bored, and Kyle drinking beer

upstairs. Getting drunk)

(Now in church. Kids are watching the wedding. Kyle's mom is holding her hands over

Kyle's ears.)

Kyle (disoriented): What are you doing?!?!?

Sheila: I'm making sure you don't hear this.

Kyle: what? I can't hear you!

Sheila: Never mind. Why don't you go downstairs?

Kyle: I SAID I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Gerald: GO DOWNSTAIRS KYLE!

Kyle: OW! Jesus that hurt!

(Downstairs)

Girl (to Kyle): Hello. Say, you're that kid that stayed upstairs.

Kyle: (hesitating) uh, yeah.

Girl: Come join the party!

===

(Next morning. Kyle wakes up and looks at his arm.)

Kyle: AAAAAAAAAAAUUGH! That does it!

Sheila (rushing in): Kyle, bubbie, what is it?!

Kyle (thinking fast): uh nothing, just another nightmare.

Sheila: Oh. Was it another clown?

Kyle: Yes.

(goes to bus stop where others are waiting)

Stan: Dude, what happened? You looked drunk last night.

Kyle: Damnit you guys, don't f**k around today!

Stan: Ok, ok. Don't have to bite my head off!

Cartman (pointing to Kyle's arm): What's that?

Kyle: sigh. It's a fake tattoo.

Cartman: Oh, yeah, we all got one. (Points to cheeseburger tattoo on his arm)

Stan: What's yours of?

Kyle: Uh, you don't really need to know.

Cartman: What was it?

Stan: Show us!

Kyle: sigh. (points to his arm)

Kenny: {What the f**k?}

Kyle: It's nothing.

Stan: Dude, you have a tattoo of a cross on your arm!

Kyle: Sooooo it could mean anything.

Kenny: {it says Jesus is lord on it!}

Kyle: I can't help it. Face it you guys, I'm Christian.

Stan: What the Hell are you talking about?

Kyle: I wake up every Sunday morning just in time for Church, even though I don't go. I

went on the Internet and read some of the bible from there! Hell, My family is Jewish,

and I'm not!

Stan: So what are you going to do about it?

Kyle: Well… I saw this commercial… (Whispers to the others)

===

(Next day, kids standing at entrance gate to the Colorado Christian School. (Say that 50

times fast))

Ms. Draftshaft (school instructor): Can I help you boys?

Kyle: Here goes. (Coughs. Sings rhythm of "People will say we're in love" from the musical

"Oklahoma")

Why does my family not go to church every Sunday?

Why do the not read the bible I tell you that's gay!

They are all Jews, so please tell me whose kid am I please?

Why do I have to live in a Jewish family?

I'll pay very much

To go to church and such

Tell them that I'll keep in touch!

They'll know that I'm a Christian!

Don't tell them where I am.

Stan & Cartman: We saw a bar mitzvah and DAMN!

Kyle: I do not want this Fam-i-ly

Tell them that I'm a Christian!

I will do anything

I'm not going back again

I-

Stan & Cartman: Kyle's mooooooo (Kyle joins in) oooooooom is suspecting

things!

Kyle: Tell them that I'm a Christian!

Ms. Draftshaft: That was very, uh, nice boys. Well, uh, Kyle's your name? I guess I

could board you. ACK! Sorry, anyway, I have just the room for you. Number 446 are

missing their fifth syllable. Yes, that'll do fine.

(Kids stare at her)

Stan (whispers): Sure you want to go through with this dude?

Kyle: I have to. (Speaks up) Uh, how much will this cost?

Ms. Draftshaft: Cost? Nothing! Come. (Grabs Kyle and pulls him in.)

Kyle: Hey!

Stan: Dude this is pretty f**ked up right here.

(Door slam.) Next, Ms. Draft shaft shows Kyle a row of 5 boys all lined up, a space

between the 4th kid and the 5th one.)

Draftshaft: These are your roommates.

Robert: Robert

Eric: Eric

Smith: Smith

Jones: Jones

(Pause, shows blank space)

Bran: Bran

Draftshaft: I'll leave you all here.

Robert: WE NEED A FITH SYLABLE!

Eric: WE MUST HAVE A FITH SYLABLE!

Kyle: What are you guys talking about?

Smith: YOU will be our fifth syllable!!!!!! Bwa ha haaaaaaaaa!

Kyle: aaaaaah!

(They attack him)

===

(Commercial.) You know, in human form)

Boy (in school): This is boring! I wanna LEARN!

Teacher: What does this look like, the Colorado Christian Boarding School?

Girl: I wish!

Ms. Draftshaft: Don't let your kids be bored when there's nothing to learn! At the

Colorado Christian, we teach basic and easy skills that any Jackass would know, and even

better! They even learn their physical skills!

(Shows a boy running into a wall at full speed, then clutching his head and cussing the

wall out)

Ms. Draftshaft: ARRRRGH! Sorry. So come to the boarding school, where we are even

nice enough to board the homeless!

(Stan's at home. He's listening to his mom on the phone. That kinda rhymes)

Sharon: He's not there? You're sure?

Sheila: Yes I'm positive! Is he over there?

Sharon: No! Stan, have you seen Kyle?

Stan: Uh No!

Sharon: Are you sure? He didn't come to the bus stop?

Stan: No he never showed.

Sharon: Stan says he didn't see him.

Sheila: Where could he be?

Sharon: Did he run away?

Sheila: Of course not! Where the Hell would an eight-year old boy go?

Sharon: Well I'll keep a lookout.

===

(Meanwhile at Colorado school. Kyle is sitting in room, looking around. Robert Eric Smith

Jones Kyle Bran.)

Kyle: Anything to watch on TV?

Jones: Just Boy meets world.

Kyle: What?

Smith: Here.

(Hands Kyle remote.) Kyle turns on TV)

Shawn: Well it kinda sucks how we didn't study in school and now we're bums on the

street.

Cory: I don't care as long as I have my HUNNY BUNCHES!

(Cory leaps on a businesswoman standing nearby)

Topanga: CORY GET OFF!

Kyle: Oh my God!!!!!!

(Turns TV off)

Kyle: It almost killed me!

===

(Home.) Kyle's parents are sitting on their asses calling all the houses looking for Kyle)

Sheila: Could he have been kidnapped?

(Colorado school commercial playing)

Gerald: In South Park? I doubt it!

Sheila: Well, it would have been better if we'd known what happened! I don't like to sit

here and imagine what could happen to our son!

Gerald: I'M JUST RULING OUT OUR POSSIBILITIES!

(Commercial ends)

Sheila: I don't get it, he left this morning fine!

===

(Boarding school. Kyle is looking out the window)

Kyle: YOU BASTARD!

Eric: What was that?

Kyle: Sorry.

(Suddenly Stan starts throwing rocks aimlessly at the building. A rock comes in the

window and smacks into Bran, who goes flying at the ceiling fan)

Kyle: Oh my God, they killed Bran!

(Stan goes up to the gate. Rings bell)

Ms. Draftshaft: Hello. Can I help you?

Stan: I am a homeless Christian that needs a..uh... Education.

Ms. Draftshaft: Sorry, we don't board Christians.

Stan: What? Oh, I'm not Christian. I uh lied. I'm a.....uh... South American.

Ms. Draftshaft: Oh. Do you have a room in mind?

Stan: 446.

Ms. Draftshaft: Follow me.

(Stan follows her upstairs to room 446. Ms. Draftshaft knocks on the door)

Robert: Who is at the door?

Ms. Draftshaft: It is Ms. Draftshaft you little ACK! Sorry. You have a new roommate.

Present yourselves.

(Shows 5 kids standing in a row)

Robert: Robert

Eric: Eric

Smith: Smith

Jones: Jones

Kyle: Kyle

(Pause. Shows a blank space. Goes back to Kyle.)

Stan: Kyle?

Kyle: What?

Stan: Where's your hat?

Kyle: There is no necessary use for the hat but to slip illegal drugs under, and the market

is not until the month of August.

Stan: What?

Ms. Draftshaft: Very good Kyle. You are learning nicely. I'll leave you people to get

aquatinted.

(they go into room)

Stan: Dude, you've gotta get out of here!

Kyle: But why Stanley?

Stan: Because your parents have been looking all over for you! And you're becoming, like,

a drone or something!

Kyle: I think not. How, by the way, ARE the townsfolk?

Stan: Cartman stopped being annoying, Kenny died, your parents are Blaming Mexico, and

IT SUCKS ASS!

Kyle: I should think so.

(Later on.) Stan is writing a letter to his parents to come and get them)

Letter:

Mom! Dad!

I'm here at the Colorado Christian Boarding School! Kyle is here with me! Come get us

before he becomes a Christian! Help!

Stan

===

(Before the letter is sent, Kyle finds it.)

Kyle: Stan, what, perchance, is this?

Stan: Uh, it's nothing.

Kyle: It's a letter to your family.

Stan: Yes.

Kyle: I'd be more pleasured finding this if you has discluded any mention of me in it.

Stan: I'm gonna send it!

Kyle: Fine.

Stan: What?

Kyle: Go ahead and send it.

Stan: Okaaaaaay…

(Stan is awakened in the middle of the night by a thumping on the door.)

Jones: What on Earth is that?

(Kyle's mom bursts into the room.)

Sheila: Where is he?

Stan: (looks around) I don't know.

Sheila: You said he was here!

Stan: He was! He must have run away!

Sheila: Goddamnit! (I meant that)

(Kyle is running through the woods when he comes across a cabin. This sounds vaguely

familiar…)

Kyle: (knocking on door) Open up!

Darcy/Bernice/Charity/Lindsey: Who is it?

Kyle: I need to hide. Uh…. I escaped from the boarding school!

Bernice: WELL GET IN YOU LITTLE-

Charity: BERNICE! Stop it please.

Darcy: You two are sooo boring!

(Opens door. One woman is standing there, but she is talking in a bunch of different

voices)

Lindsey: Well, what're you waiting for?

Kyle: uh… I need help! The boarding school people are coming!

Darcy: Okay, Okay, Jesus, hold your horses!

(Opens door. Kyle goes in. There is a load of crap, crap as in junk not poop, everywhere.

There is also a lot of beer.)

Woman: Okay we're gonna make this quick.

(Injects something into Kyle)

Kyle: Hey!

Lindsey: Oh, come on, it was just alcohol.

(Suddenly they hear loud noises.)

Kyle: They're coming!

Bernice: GODDAMNIT JUST HIDE IN THE TRAP DOOR DOWN THERE I MEAN COME

ON HOW STUPID ARE YOU?

Kyle: FINE!

(Goes into trap door. There are skeletons of children everywhere.)

Kyle: What the…..?

(He imagines the bodies getting up and dancing, then all talking about...... pea soup?!?!?)

Kyle: Dude, this is pretty f**ked up right here!

(Hears a series of thumps upstairs. Hears his mom)

Sheila: Are you SURE he didn't come by?

Charity: Yes Mrs.-

(A swat guy shoots and kills Charity)

Darcy: Oh my God, they killed Charity!

Kyle (muffled): you bastard

Gerald: What was that?

(Kyle comes out)

Kyle: It was me.

Sheila: Kyle! You are in big trouble!

Kyle: I know. I'm just sick of looking at dead bodies.

(Later on they are in Kyle's house. Kyle is deciding what he should do next)

Stan: Well Kyle, are you going to act Christian now?

Kyle: I guess.

Cartman: Then it won't bother you to say that JEWS SUCK!

Kyle: HEY!

Cartman: What, you're not a Jew anymore.

Kyle: So?

Cartman: Soo...uh........ DAMNIT you suck!

Sheila: Stan, it's time for you to go. Kyle will see you at school tomorrow.

Kyle: Tomorrow is a holiday.

Sheila: Not for Christians.

Kyle: DAMNit!

Stan: You know, I've learned something today. I learned that there's a little bit of Jew

in everyone. Even Kyle. And especially Cartman.

Cartman: AY!

Kyle: That's right. So I'm not going to let Christians bother me! I'll remain a Jew, even

if I don't believe in any of that crap!

Sheila: That's right- wait a second…

Cartman: And I've learned something too.

Stan: What?

Cartman: I REALLY hate screwed up people!

Kyle: And I REALLY hate Christians!

Sheila: Good. It's a start.

(They all start singing another stupid song)

Kids: We'll always be best friends. Even when, Kyle kills us all!

Cartman: Guys?

Kids: La. La la la la la. La la la. La la la la la.

Cartman: Uh guys?

Stan & Kyle: La la la. La la la la la la!

Cartman: HEY!

Stan: What dude?

Cartman: Why do we always have to sing these gay songs?

(Because that's what squirts do now shut your piehole!)