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Author: Lindsey Phillips
Title: Saving the Cheetos
Type of Work: fan fic script
Source: CMv1 #32

Copyright 2002 Lindsey Phillips


(Classroom)

Ms. Choksondick: Good morning children. Today, we are going to watch an educational video!

Kids: aw!

Ms. Choksondick: Pay attention. The video is about the endangerment of wild cheetahs in Africa.

(Puts video in)

Announcer: Welcome to Smackey's Save the Wild African things. Today we will venture into the plains of Africa to help save the wild Cheetah, and learn how just one kid made a difference.

(Shows picture of a kid, sitting alone in his room w/ glasses and looking really dull and stuff)

Stan: Hey I've seen that kid all over the news!

Ms. Choksondick: SSH!

Kid: I wanted - to… save… the cheeteahs…. Because they…. Were cool….. and enda..ngered. I wanted.. them to…not be sc-scarce like.. before.

(Cartman isn't listening)

Kid: Cheetahs…are dying….and we all should do… some-omething!

(Shows kid getting a bunch of cheers from people there with him)

Kyle: Wow! And I bet he gets paid too!

Stan: Yeah, it would be great if our parents paid attention to us!

Cartman: You guys are lame! Who cares about some animal in another country?

Kyle: Shut up! Someday humans might be extinct, and I doubt the cheetahs would try and save us!

Cartman: oh please, Kyle, don't lay this hippie stuff on me.

(Video finishes)

Ms. Choksondick: Ok children, now we will write a report on this video. It must be five pages long.

Stan: What?

Kyle: There wasn't near enough information to make five pages!

Ms. Choksondick: Well then find out more! Whole books have been written about this subject! The report is due next week. You may choose partners.

Cartman: Oh, Kyle will you be my partner?

Kyle: NO WAY!

Cartman: Come on Kyle I need a good grade on this!

Kyle: Since when do you care about your grades, fatty?

Cartman: I need this or else I'll get detention!

Kyle: Stan, do you want to be partners?

Stan: Sure.

Kyle: When Cartman gets detention, let's throw a party.

Kenny: {will there be cheesecake?}

Kyle: Not at my house, man.

(Kyle in is his room, reading a book on Cheetahs. His eyes get wide)

Kyle: Holy crap dude!

(Next day Kyle meets Stan at the bus stop)

Kyle: Stan! Did you study last night?

Stan: No, I was too busy. What's up?

Kyle: We're going to Africa!

Stan: WHAT?!?!?!?! Why?

Kyle: We're gonna save the cheetahs!

(Cartman comes)

Cartman: Hey Stan. Hey buttlicker.

Stan: Cartman! Did you hear?

Cartman: From Kyle? No.

Stan: We're going to Africa to save the cheetahs!

Cartman: There are no cheetos in Africa! They are poor.

Kyle: Stan said cheetahs.

Cartman: Cheetos.

Kyle: Tahs.

Cartman: Tos.

Kyle: Aw, screw you!

Cartman: Nobody told me the cheeto company was going out of buisness!

(Kenny comes)

Kenny: Hey.

Kyle: Kenny, would you like to come to Africa?

Kenny: {No.}

Stan: Why not?

Cartman: He can't afford to go to Africa!

Stan: That reminds me. Did you parents SAY you could go?

Kyle: Hell no! I'm not even going to try to ask them.

Stan: Then how are you gonna get there?

Kyle: I know this guy, and he will take us if there are at least three of us.

Stan: Oh. Why do we want to save the cheetahs again?

Kyle: I'll tell you later. When Cartman's not around.

Cartman: AY!

(Cartman is at the Cheeto Company)

Cartman: I heard of your little "problem"!

Manager: What problem?

Cartman: The extinction of the cheetos!

Manager: You mean the cheetahs.

Cartman: WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE CHEETAHS? I mean cheetos!

Manager: there is nothing wrong! Leave!

Cartman: Fine! I can't stand people in denial!

(At bus stop. Cartman is pouting)

Cartman: I don't get it. No one will listen. I don't want the cheetos to be extinct!

Kyle: What the Hell are you talking about?

Cartman: I suppose that I should remember the good times I had with those cheetos. The time I stuffed one down Kenny's throat.

Stan: You killed him.

Kyle: WE'RE SAVING THE CHEETAHS YOU BASTARD!! NOT SOME STUPID SNACK!

Cartman: Is that all you care about, Kyle? Saving some stupid cat? WELL FINE! Go save them! I'll do all the important work here!

Kyle: FINE

Cartman: Good

Kyle: DAMNIT FINE!

Cartman: I'll save them by myself.

Kyle: Snacks can't become extinct you fat idiot.

Cartman: Oh, and I suppose your "cheetahs" can?

Stan: Dude their like almost on top of the endangered list!

Cartman: NO ONE TREATS CHEETOS WITH RESPECT! YOU"LL SEE!

(Cartman leaves)

Stan: We need at least three people to run away with us to Africa.

Kenny: {I'll come}

Kyle: Good, now-

Kenny: {Wait I don't know}

Kyle: Please Kenny!

Kenny: {I know what is going to happen! They have big animals there!}

Kyle: oh please, is there any way for you NOT to die in Africa?

Kenny: {yes}

Kyle: Fine. What?

(Kenny shoots himself)

Stan: OhmyGod, they killed Kenny!

Kyle: DAMNIT! YOU STUPID BASTARD!

Stan: Now what?

Kyle: (thinking about Cartman) We'll take Ike!

Stan: Your parents will kill you if you run away to Africa with your little brother!

Kyle: Ok ok.

(Walks over to Cartman's house and rings the doorbell)

Cartman: What do you want?

Kyle: Cartman, will you come with us to Africa to save the-

Cartman: No.

Kyle: Why not?

Cartman: Because I have my own problems here! I'm working day and night to make sure

Cheetos don't become extinct! I have to find someone with computer knowledge to start a website, start a save the cheetos liberation-

Kyle: Fine. I'll do it if you come with us.

Cartman: ok!

Kyle: Now, if we're gonna start this stupid liberation, we've gotta notify the people.

Cartman: How are we gonna do that?

(We're gonna dig up Kyle's dead- whoops)

Stan: Duh Cartman we get their attention!

Kyle: We're going on the news.

(On television. Stan's & Kyle's family is watching the news)

Announcer: And we have some darling little kids from South Park here to make a statement.

Stan: We must save the cheetos!

Randy: What?

Kyle: We cannot allow the cheeto company to deny the decrease of the cheeto population!

We must take a stand!

Sheila: Aren't those our boys?

Randy: I think so.

Sharon: What are they doing on TV?

Sheila: Kyle can't even EAT cheetos! What the Hell is he doing?

Gerald: Honey, it's probably just some stunt. Cheetos can't die!

(After news, at Kyle's house)

Kyle: There. We reached the people. What else do you want?

Cartman: I want you to dress up as a clown and jam the cheetos down your throat, in front of your parents!

Kyle: WHAT? I'm not gonna do that!

Cartman: We have to appeal to the public eye!

Kyle: My mom's gonna kill me if I eat those things!

Cartman: Just say you did it for money.

Stan: What? They won't believe that!

Kyle: Look fatass, we did what you asked, let's go!

Cartman: I refuse to go to Africa unless you dress like a clown and shove it down your throat as a symbol that you want to save the cheetos!

Stan: It's the only way Kyle.

Kyle: Who the Hell's side are you on?

Stan: Go ahead Kyle.

Kyle: (sighs) I'll be right back.

(Kyle goes in and comes out looking like a clown)

Kyle: How's this?

Cartman: What? No feminine clothing?!

Kyle: TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, YOU FAT F*CK!

Stan: ok, ok it's perfect Kyle! Just go in and get it over with!

(Kyle goes in. His parents are sitting on the couch)

Gerald: Kyle?

Kyle: I have to do this! It's for all cheetokind.

Sheila: Do what, bubbie?

(Kyle gets the cheetos)

Sheila: What are you doing with those, Kyle?

(Kyle positions them)

Gerald: Kyle NO! DON"T DO IT!

(Kyle shoves them down his throat)

Sheila: NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY SON! ATE CHEETOS!

Gerald: Where did we go wrong?

Kyle: blegh.

(Kyle's parents are up in his room w/ him)

Sheila: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!

Kyle: uh… I lost a bet!

Gerald: A bet? A bet is no way to solve things, Kyle!

Sheila: I almost called the hospital! Have you gone insane?

Kyle: No.

Sheila: My own son… it's disgusting!

Kyle: They were just cheetos.

Gerald: JUST CHEETOS! JUST CHEETOS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, JUST CHEETOS?

Kyle: They are just crackers covered in a fake cheese substance.

Sheila: I NEVER want to hear of you even TALKING about those things again! Do you hear me?!

Kyle: Yes.

(Parents leave)

Kyle: Damn, what's up their asses?

(this sounds like fingerbang… better change the plot a little. Or a lot. Next day at school)

Kyle: Okay, we're gonna have to do this tonight.

Cartman: Why tonight?

Kyle: Because, if I act any more suspicious, they'll can me.

Stan: "Can" you?

Cartman: But Terrance and Philip are on!

Stan: Fine. We'll all meet at the bus stop right after Terrance and Philip.

Kyle: Remember to pack stuff RELEVANT to the cause, Cartman.

Cartman: I know, I know, I'm not an idiot!

(Bus stop, all three are there)

Kyle: Good. Packed your things?

Stan: uh, Kyle? I don't think I can go through with this.

Kyle: Why the Hell not?

Stan: Kyle. Listen. You may not realize this but were running away to Africa.

Kyle: So?

Stan: WE'RE RUNNING AWAY TO-

Kyle: SSH! You'll get us caught!

Stan: We're packing our things, boarding a plane, and going across the world to save a cat.

Kyle: That's the point.

Stan: Do you know how STUPID AND POINTLESS this is?

(Kyle stares blankly)

Stan: Oh crap they finally got Kyle.

Cartman: Come on, Stan, stop being a wuss! It's cold, let's go!

Kyle: Come on, Stan! We can't back out now!

Stan: (sighs) Fine. I'm coming.

(On board plane, a weird guy named Steve is sitting there next to them.)

Steve: So, who saw the latest George Clooney movie?

Cartman: The what?

Steve: oh never mind.

Kyle: I hate airplanes.

Stan: What? Afraid of heights?

Kyle: No, I hate their shape. They look like big robotic dicks.

Stan: WHAT?

Kyle: No seriously. I hate it. They should change it.

(AFRICA)

Kyle: FINALLY! I never thought I would get here!

Stan: Our parents should be panicking right about now.

(At Kyle's house)

Sheila: GERALD! HE DID IT AGAIN!

Gerald: Did what again?

Sheila: Kyle ran away again!

Gerald: He's probably at one of his friends' houses. Just let him stay there until he gets hungry and wants to come back.

(Stan's house)

Randy: Hey, Sharon? Did Stan leave?

Sharon: I don't think so.

Randy: Well he's probably at Kyle's house. He'll come back when he gets hungry. He can't stand Jewish food.

Sharon: RANDY!

(Cartman's house.) Nothing happens)

(Africa)

Stan: Kyle, Cartman is out getting food, can you please tell us why we're here?

Kyle: It was obvious. At first I wanted to come to get away from home and get noticed, but then I realized what a stupid reason that was.

Stan: Then?

Kyle: Then Cartman started this liberation, and I found the real reason.

Stan: What?

Kyle: Ten million dollars.

Stan: WHAT?

Kyle: It's all a scheme from Cartman. He's trying to make ten million dollars!

Stan: So how does that put us in Africa?

Kyle: Dummy, WE'RE gonna make the ten million first!

Stan: What?

Kyle: It's all a race! We have to make the money before he does!

Stan: You're insane!

Kyle: Brilliance and insanity are the same things!

Stan: What are you going to do with ten million dollars?

Kyle: What I am to do with the profit doesn't pertain to you. I suggest we get started, the cheeto liberation is ahead! Tick tock tick tock!

(Oh crap. Cherokee Hair Tampons. Another change in plot, at an African school)

Teacher: (says something in another language and points to the boys. Kyle comes to the from of the class)

Kyle: Uh……… umm…………. There is an animal that hunts in these lands.

(kids stare blankly, Cartman rolls his eyes)

Kyle: They are call cheetahs. And they are on the brink of extinction. We cannot let this happen! Preach to your people! Cheetahs are going to die, and then…………. Well………… bye.

(goes to where Stan and Cartman are)

Stan: Let me try.

(goes to front of class. Kids stare at him)

Stan: Um, what do the cheetahs actually do around here?

(nothing)

Stan: Well they must do something to make you people kill them.

(nothing)

Stan: I'm done.

(Cartman tries)

Cartman: Cheetahs. CHEETAHS! Sounds like cheetos, the American snack that features a cheetah !

(kids start listening closer)

Cartman: Cheetos are also becoming extinct. But I seem to be the only one doing something about it! Why won't anyone help?

(kids looking at each other and murmuring)

Cartman: (points to Kyle) HE knows about it! He's known all along! But Kyle doesn't care!

He only cares about cheetahs! Cheetahs, that kill your livestock. Not the poor cheetos, your American food!

(Kids look angrily at Kyle and Stan)

Kyle: Oh s**t.

Stan: Do something dude!

(Kyle runs to the front of the class)

Kyle: It's a lie! I started the Save the Cheeto Liberation! I helped you all the way! YOU

JUST WANT YOUR TEN MILLION DOLLARS YOU GREEDY PIG!

(kids gasp)

Cartman: What?!?! DID YOU JUST CALL ME A GREEDY PIG YOU COLORBLIND JEW?

Kyle: DID YOU JUST CALL ME COLORBLAND YOU FAT S**T FACE?

(They attack each other. Their battle goes out of the classroom and onto a field, where there are cheetahs.)

Kyle: I AM NOT COLORBLIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIEEEEEEEEE!

Stan: Jesus, Kyle!

(they roll over and crush a bunch of baby cheetahs.)

Kyle: YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT REMARK!

Cartman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA get away from me you freak!

(they stop fighting)

Kyle: I'm going home!

Stan: Finally!

(at home. Kyle is apologizing for running away)

Kyle: So I'm sorry that I did it, and it won't happen again.

Gerald: All that's nice, but you said that last time.

Sheila: Now for this cheeto buisness…

Kyle: I didn't want to do it!

Gerald: No, Kyle, it's okay!

Kyle: What?

Sheila: We realize that you have different personal traits and preferences, so we have a surprise for you!

Kyle: Uh, what?

Sheila & Gerald: CHEETOS!

(They hand him a huge bowl of cheetos)

Kyle: Aw, f**k dude! Get those things away from me!

(runs out of the room)

Sheila: What an odd colorblind little kid.