Author: Lindsey Phillips
Title: The Scorpion King: The Abridged Script
Type of Work: parody script
Source: CMv1 #15
© Copyright 2002 Lindsey Phillips
EXT. A MOUNTAIN IN ANY GIVEN PLACE
A GENERIC MALE is walking.
This guy is going to die, right?
GENERIC MALE has his head sawed off.
INT. INSIDE THE MOUNTAIN, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
A BUNCH OF DRUNKARDS are beating the crap out of AN UGLY GUY.
Dude, stop it! I'm telling my brother!
DRUNKARDS tie this person to a pole. Suddenly, THE ROCK falls through the ceiling.
THE ROCK chuckles at his own joke, as the AUDIENCE screams as they realized what
they're watching. THE DRUNKARDS scream along with him, and run away for some
Hi. I'm the main character. Looks at my muscular body. I hope you can't get enough of
it, because it's all you're going to see throughout this damn thing. Looks at how the light
reflects off of my smooth skin. Am I SCARY?!
No. Go away.
THE ROCK cracks several jokes that would have been funny 50 years ago, and the
AUDIENCE continues the writhe in agony.
EXT. A place in the desert
My evil son, we must get rid of The Evil Villain.
But daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddyyyyyyy, I wanna JOIN him.
Shut up. I have to reveal my plans to you. I've hired some Arcade-Ians to kill his Male
Sorcerer who is a guy.
Arcade-Ian? That's so lame.
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well, I'm smart.
Hello! You're the main character in this movie! How stupid can you get?
I promise you, as long as ONE OF US THREE WHO HAPPEN TO BE STANDING HERE,
MOST LIKELY THE ONE IN FRONT DOING ALL THE TALKING is still living, we'll kill
his Male Sorcerer who is a guy.
LINDSEY takes a sledgehammer and tosses it at the screen, begging the theater to turn
the movie off so that she can watch LORD OF THE RINGS for the 9th time
All right, here's all the money we have.
Great. Now we're going to starve because you gave him all our money. Screw this!
EXT. OUSIDE OF EVIL VILLAIN'S CAMP.
EVERYONE fights, and THE ROCK'S two amigos die.
Damnit! I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever saw this coming! I guess I'll have to
carry this movie by myself, then.
Hahaha, I have you now, The Rock! Watch while I make ants eat your head!
A DRUNK GUY staggers next to THE ROCK
Hello. I am the comic relief. The ONLY comic relief. I get drunk, and it's funny.
YOU'RE BOTH STUPID, AND NEITHER ARE FUNNY! GOD, WHO WROTE THIS?
Hahaha! The drunk guy is funny, so I'll let you go!
EXT. EVIL VILLAIN'S city.
Hello. I'm a little kid, which makes me a troublemaker. I steal your money.
Haven't you ever taken a self-defense class? You're supposed to LET robbers take your
Show me where the Evil Villain and his Male Sorcerer who is a guy live, or I'll defy the
NON-EXISTENT IN THIS TIME PERIOD child-abuse laws.
LITTLE KID leads THE ROCK to a courtyard, where EVIL VILLAIN risks death in many
Why, he's a puny little worm! My muscles are bigger than his head!
I'll chop off this little kid's hand, because he's a little kid, and therefore a thief.
Oh crap! A moral dilemma! What shall I do?
THE ROCK makes the wrong choice by making the movie longer than it has any right to
Yay! I'll go back to your Drunk sidekick and laugh for a while.
THE ROCK runs into a room, and lo and behold, a BRITISH GUY!
Hello, my jolly good chap. It's simply splendid you could drop in for a tad. Care for a
spot of tea and crumpets?
Wha ? Okay, this is wrong.
BRITISH GUY blows up random things, because he's a scientist or something, even though
there WERE NO BRITISH PEOPLE IN THAT PLACE IN THAT TIME PERIOD, THERE
WERE NO BRITISH ACCENTS, THERE WAS NO SCIENCE, AND A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL
CAN FIGURE THAT OUT AND THESE ABOMINABLE WRITERS CAAAAAAN'T!
I have to go find the Male Sorcerer who is a guy.
Eh? Well, have a spanking good time. Those bloody people have locked me in here. I have
to disappear and reappear later, so tally-ho!
THE ROCK ends up in a room.
Hahahaha! I'm not a guy! I'm a female! Fall in love with me!
Oh. My. God. S.
I've caught you, The Rock!
No! He's supposed to fall in looooooove with me!
No, I'M supposed to marry you!
Blegh! You're too puny! And you're white. What's up with all these British people? I'm
THE ROCK strips her of her clothes, grabs her, and dives into a toilet. He comes up in a
Hi, I came from a toilet.
THE PEASANTS spit out the water they'd been drinking.
EXT. THE DESERT
Ugh! I've been poisoned! Save me, Male Sorcerer who's a guy!
Damn, your muscles are too seductive!
SORCERESS does something that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I love you, now.
Yay! Let's go find a tribe.
They find a tribe, and things. Then they go back.
Sorceress! You've lost your powers! You must have ahem with the Rock.
RRGH! AM I THE ONLY INSANE PERSON ON THIS SPACE SHIP? IT'S, "LIE WITH
ANOTHER" YOU DUMB SHIT! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WROTE THIS GOD
I've got you now, evil villain!
THE ROCK kills EVIL VILLAIN THE DRUNK GUY, LITTLE KID, SORCERESS, and BRITISH GUY cheer.
Now we can live in harmony. Until I sell my soul to the devil, that is.
FINALLY! The end.