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Author: Lindsey Phillips
Title: untitled #1
Type of Work: fan fic script
Source: CMv1 37#

Copyright 2002 Lindsey Phillips


School bus is driving down the street. Jimbo is driving opposite of it.)

Jimbo: Come on, Ned, we have to get to the fair before we're too late to sign up for the duck shoot!

(School bus, the kids are demonstrating something they saw on TV)

Kyle: And then the homo shouted " You bitching cuntrag! I'll kick your fagish little ass over to the big gay parade you s**t eating monkey f**king dickhead!

(Kind of demonstrates what the person was doing)

Crabtree: SIT DOWN!

Stan: Fine you bimbo-loving, cow-f**king old bear!

Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Stan: I said There's Jimbo going ducking at the fair!

Crabtree: Oh, well- AAAUGH!

(Bus crashes with Jimbo and Ned. MOST of the kids are ejected. MOST. As in all but one.)

Kyle (still in bus): Ow.

(Hospital. Kyle's family and Stan's family are talking to the doctor)

Doctor: Well, all in all, besides a broken arm and a total loss of memory, Mrs. Broflovski, your son is fine.

Sheila: Is that a good thing?

(Goes in to see Kyle)

Sheila: Kyle, bubbie, how are you doing?

Kyle: Well I - huh? Did you just call me a piece of crap?

Doctor: Well, we can get your son's memory back with medicine, but I'm afraid it has… rather odd side affects.

Stan: Like what?

Doctor: As in a total loss of reality as we know it. He'll probably act weird.

Stan: Oh that's nothing that happens every week.

(The boys are standing at the bus stop.)

Stan: So Kyle, have you been taking your medicine?

Kyle: yes, but it tastes like old bacon that's been sitting in the basement for about two weeks that I had to sneak into the house when my parents weren't looking.

Stan: Oh.

(Kyle looks at Stan, who suddenly looks like Cartman in his eyes)

Kyle: Why the Hell do you want to know fatass?

Cartman and Stan: Hey!

(Kyle looks at Cartman, who suddenly looks like Stan in his eyes)

Cartman: What are you looking at, Jew?

Kyle: Huh? Me? Jewish?

Cartman: Yes you're Jewish!

Kyle: Holy crap!

(At school)

Ms. Choksondick: Well, children, I'm very disappointed with last week's reports. Not one of you wrote about anything the movie showed you. And what do Cheetos have to do with the subject?

Kyle: Um, notice that the word cheeto only pops up in my report once!

Cartman: Hey! You said you wrote whole paragraphs about those things!

Ms. Choksondick: Anyway, to make up for last week, we are going to do another project, two on a team.

Kyle: Cartman, would you be my partner?

Stan and Cartman: What?

Kyle: Oh come on fatass, you didn't think I was going to choose you, did you?

Cartman: But you did.

Kyle: I was talking to Stan.

Stan: I'm not fat.

Cartman: Well I guess you are stuck with Kenny then.

Stan: Oh man. I don't think I like Kyle on drugs.

Kenny: {Hey!}

(at lunch)

Cartman: Kyle, can I have your ham sandwich please?

Kyle: Why sure Cartman, here you go.

Stan: Um, Kyle, you're supposed to yell at him.

Kyle: Why?

Stan: Maybe I should teach you about yourself.

Kyle: Uh, ok. What is there to know? I'm Jewish and Cartman is my best friend.

Cartman: Huh?

Stan: No, I'm your best friend. You hate Cartman.

Kyle: But I like Cartman more than you!

Stan: Oh boy, this is gonna take some work.

Kenny: {and every week you give fifty dollars to my family because we are poor and you are rich.}

Kyle: Um, ok.

Stan: No he doesn't Kenny!

Kenny: {f**k you!}

(bell rings.)

Ms. Choksondick: Now for this project we will be needing four dozen eggs. Who can bring that?

Kyle: Uh, I can!

Ms. Choksondick: We will also need fifty dollars. Who can bring that?

Kyle: I can!

Stan: DUDE!

Kyle: What?

Stan: You're not supposed to volunteer! It'll make you sound like you WANT to do this, which will make it easier for Miss Chosondick!

Kyle: Oh.

(At home)

Sheila: Ok Kyle, now what color is this?

Kyle: Uh, blue?

Sheila: No.

Kyle: Um, I don't know! It's multi colored!

Sheila: It's red. Why don't you go watch television with your friend Stan?

Kyle: Ok. Where does he live?

Sheila: Next door.

Kyle: Oh.

(Goes over to Stan's house.)

Stan: Oh, hi Kyle.

Kyle: Um, nice house.

Stan: Do you wanna watch Terrance and Philip?

Kyle: What's that?

Stan: Your favorite TV show.

Kyle: Oh, I though that-

(Just stands there, staring)

Stan: Kyle?

(Smacks him)

Kyle: Oh, where am I?

Stan: AT MY HOUSE!

Kyle: Oh. Is Cartman coming over?

Stan: No, why would he?

Kyle: Kenny?

Stan: No.

Kyle: So I'm stuck in a lame house with a hippie?

Stan: What?

Kyle: I'm leaving.

Stan: Ohkay.

(Kyle walks around, looking for Cartman's house.)

Kyle: oh, hey Kenny.

Kenny: {hi. What are you doing out here?}

Kyle: I'm looking for Cartman.

Kenny: {He lives over there}

(points to a nearby house.)

Kyle: oh, thanks Kenny. Um, here's your fifty dollars.

Kenny: {Kickass!}

Cartman: Oh, Kyle, hi, come on in!

Kyle: Thanks. I didn't want to hang out with a hippie like Stan.

Cartman: That's Okay Kyle, because I'm your friend. And together, we can get rid of all those hippies in the school!

Kyle: Yeah, that'd be sweet.

Cartman: Remember to make fun of Kenny because he is poor, Stan because he is a little wuss, and never make fun of me because I kick ass.

Kyle: Got it.

(next day at bus stop)

Kyle: Hey Stan, ya weak loser! Hey look, here comes Kenny, that son of an alcoholic!

Stan: Damnit Cartman, what have you been telling Kyle?

Cartman: I haven't been telling him anything… at least nothing I haven't been trying to tell him for years!

Stan: You're messing him up!

Kyle: Shut up Stan!

Cartman: Yah, shut up hippie!

(school, at lunch)

Kyle: Cartman, I notice you don't have any friends.

Cartman: Yeah, I know.

Kyle: I'm your only friend.

Cartman: My only friend.

Kyle: Jesus this sucks ass!

Cartman: But that doesn't matter when you have ten million dollars!

Kyle: Ten million dollars? You don't have ten million dollars!

Cartman: Not yet.

Kyle: What do you mean?

Cartman: With your help, we can make money! I have a plan!

(Kyle goes to a hippie's house)

Kyle: I need you to write a song.

Hippie: What will it be about?

Kyle: Here's a list of what it has to include.

Hippie: Totally killer.

(next day Kyle is sitting on a curb with a guitar, singing)

I need ten million dollars!
I need ten million dollars!
I need ten million dollars, if not
Say good bye to good times

There was a time last summer
Where life was really a bummer
But my memory is gone
I can't remember the good times
Or cuss out the bad times

I need ten million dollars!
I can't remember where I put my beer
And my best friend suddenly seems queer!
So I sit and ponder here.
WHAT THE F**K HAPPENED THAT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAY?!?!?

But I, can't remember
What happened last September

I need ten million dollars
I need ten million dollars.

Waaaait a second. This song sucks ass! Where the Hell is Cartman!

Cartman: Have you made ten million dollars yet?

Kyle: There is NO WAY I'm singing this song!

Cartman: YES YOU WILL!

Kyle: You can't make me!

Cartman: I need that money!

Kyle: Sing the song yourself. I made about twenty dollars. It's mine.

Cartman: Fine! Screw you!

Kyle: Fine!

(Cartman leaves. Kyle sits on the curb. Stan and Kenny come by)

Kyle: Hey you guys.

Stan: What's wrong?

Kyle: I don't know who I can trust. Cartman is my best friend, but he is such an asshole most of the time. I don't know who you guys are that much, and I want it all to end!

Stan: Well before this happened, you hated Cartman and called him a big fatass. You hated Kenny too.

Kenny: {That does it! No matter what, everyone ends up hating me! I'm joining Cartman!}

(starts to walk away but falls down into a sewer hole. Comes back up, a car comes by and decapitates him)

Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle: Who? Kenny died?

Stan: You're supposed to yell you bastard.

Kyle: Oh. YOU BASTARD!

Stan: Good. Now what are you going to do?

Kyle: I would go hand in my medicine if I currently had any depth perception or knew left and right.

Stan: Dude that sucks.

Kyle: And why is everything all pink? No wait, red. Yellow. Multi-colored.

Stan: How much of that stuff did you take?

Kyle: I don't know.

Stan: Uh, let's go home.

Kyle: Ok.

(Kyle walks into a wall)

Stan: This way!

Kyle: I knew that!

(Kyle's house)

Sheila: Oh, hello boys! Having fun?

Kyle: You know, I thought that that Steven King book was really killer, didn't you? I mean the part with all the blood and s**t.

Sheila: What what what?

Stan: I don't think you should give Kyle so much drugs.

Sheila: Why not?

Stan: Look at him!

(Kyle is running into a wall)

Kyle: Meant to do that!

Sheila: Well, the doctor did say there were side affects!

Kyle: And then the part about the Homo? That was rad!

Sheila: I told you not to read your father's books Kyle!

Kyle: Who?

Stan: Well I'll be going now.

(next day, sober depth perception Kyle at hospital)

Secretary lady: Doctor, Mr. Broflovski is here to see you.

Doctor: Ok.

(Kyle comes in. He puts the medicine on the desk)

Kyle: I'm not gonna take this stuff.

Doctor: Why not? It will help get your memory back.

Kyle: What good is your memory when you don't know what is right side up or upside down! Drugs are not cool!

Doctor: There wasn't THAT much crack in it!

Kyle: WHAT?

Doctor: I mean, don't you want to remember things?

Kyle: Remembering is for hippies!

Doctor: You sound like your fat friend. Oh no! You haven't been listening to him, have you?

Kyle: yes.

Doctor: Oh crap! I'm sorry for giving this to you; I'm going to go burn it now.

(leaves)

Kyle: DUDE.

(at Stan's house, Stan's about to go pick up Kyle)

Sharon: Stan, where are you going?

Stan: I was helping Kyle find his way home from the hospital.

Sharon: I think Kyle can find it on his own!

Stan: No he can't. He can't even see two feet ahead of him!

Sharon: It's time for dinner Stanley!

(Kyle is walking around aimlessly, humming)

Kyle: Where did I live again?

(At Kyle's house. Sheila is on the phone with Stan's mom)

Sheila: So you told him to eat dinner? And leave my bubbie at the hospital?

Sharon: Well, sorry, but I thought your son could turn a few corners without needing assistance, Sheila!

Sheila: Now I have to go look for him! Gerald, get the car, we have to go find Kyle!

(Kyle is passing the school)

Kyle: Hey, I remember this from somewhere!

(goes inside of it, up to Mr. Garrison's old class. It now belongs to Mr. Wyland.)

Kyle: This room! I've been here before!

Mr. Wyland: Yes, you have.

Kyle: Who are you?

Mr. Wyland: The third grade teacher.

Kyle: Mr. Garrison is the third grade teacher!

Mr. Wyland: Not anymore. This is my classroom now. Mr. Garrison teaches elsewhere.

Kyle: It can't be! I'm leaving!

(Kyle leaves and runs smack into his parents' car.)

Kyle: ouch.

Sheila: Kyle! There you are! Let's go home!

(in car)

Kyle: Ma, Mr. Garrison still teaches third grade right?

Sheila: Why no, Kyle, Mr. Garrison teaches kindergarten. Why do you ask?

Kyle: I don't remember that.

Sheila: Well you will, bubbie, because after tonight, you are taking those drugs!

Kyle: No!

(Stan goes to Kyle's house. Kyle is in his room, sitting on his bed.)

Stan: Why are you all weird looking, did they put you back on drugs?

Kyle: W-why of course they did Stanley, why not? Why would they not want to take away a kid's mobility and physical ability so he can mentally thrive?

Stan: Maybe you should drink some water.

Kyle: Good idea Stanley, an idea that came from a physically stable AND mentally thriving human being. Such gifts they give you, Stanley. What joy you must appreciate.

Stan: DUDE! Kyle get a hold of yourself!

Kyle: I-I'm sorry. I guess I just can't handle a thought and a physical movement at the same time! I suppose that for the rest of my uneventful and homely life I will be taunted by privileged people such as yourself. Why does the bad luck come my way? BE HAPPY STANLEY, IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE I'M TOTALLY SCREWED!

Stan: Just drink some water dude and calm down.

(Kyle starts to drink some water but suddenly he stares at the wall, blinking)

Stan: Kyle? You there?

(Kyle spits the water out and jumps up)

Kyle: IT'S A GAFAGA MONSTER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

(Kyle jumps out the window)

Kyle: Ow.

(at hospital)

Doctor: Well, you son apparently was eaten by a gafaga monster. Luckily we were able to kill it and cut it open before Kyle was digested. It saves the trouble of having to mold your son together.

Kyle: I'm going to smell like gafaga for days! Sick!

Cartman: Ha ha ha!

Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today! I've learned that drugs are bad! I've learned that they are stupid, and I will never use them again! Unless I feel the urge to battle gafaga monsters.

Stan: Yeah.

Sheila: I guess we've all learned a pretty valuable lesson. Even me! While Stan's mom sat on her ass and did nothing, I went out and looked for Kyle, making me superior to her!

Sharon: Yea- wait a minuet!

Cartman: Screw you guys, I'm going home!

Kyle: What was that for?