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Author: Tick
Title: untitled #1
Type of Work: script
Source: CMv1 #11

Copyright 2002 Richard Duncan


Reporting from calif. A naked man with a very small fig leaf...

Reporter: I am here with Missey and jim bob!!! What did you two see this late morning???

Missy: well, we were out on the porch. we like to watch the flash floods

Jim bob: yes!! you see the strangest things..

Reporter: Well???

Missy: Well we was looking up flood, and I SAW the loch ness monster!!!

Jim Bob: No!!!!! It was not the Loch ness Monster. it looked like a halfman/ half drawned rat....on a pole or something.....

Missy: No!!! It was the Loch Ness monster...

Repoter: Go on!!!

Missy: Well it had it's head moving, shouting out something!!!

Jim Bob: no!! that halfman/rat thingy was yelling and waving his arms..

Reporter: What was it yelling???

Missy: something bout throw it tree fittty

Jim Bob: No it was like throw food!!!!

Reporter: and???

Missy: Well I threw Tree fitty to it in change...and

BOY DOG!!! Did the Loch ness monster get mad!!!!

Jim Bob: Hella yea that thing did. You should have seen all that change hit him on the head. Boy!! that thing was mad!!!!

Missy: That ungrateful loch ness monster!!!

Jim Bob: I know that half man/rat didn't want no tree fitty, it wanted food....So seeing a can of spinach, I reared back and throw it at him...

Reporter: and what did it do???

Missy: Well that ole can just hit that loch ness monster right on the top of his head and knocked it out. the head just fell back on it's back.

Jim Bob: it WAS not the Loch ness monster, But I did hit it on top of it's head and it fell over on that pole or log or whatever it was the halfman/rat was riding...

Missy: Yes!!! then The monster held up a little boy. One with a big head and the little one started to wave...

Jim Bob: no way Missy... That little boy with the big head was flipping us off!!!

Reporter: really???

Jim Bob: yes that little big head kid was flipping us off , clear as daylite....yes sure ree...

Reporter: Then what happened???

Missy: As the Loch ness monster swept by in the flash flood, I heard the little big head kid yell something....

Jim Bob: That was no Loch ness monster. that was a crazed manrat and some pitiful retard big headed boy....

Reporter: what did it yell???

Jim Bob. It just yelled TIMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY as the went by flipping us the finger. Wish I had hit it harder, those bastards...

Missy looking at the reporters fig leaf: Does that thing really work or not????

Reporter: now back to the studio. (Mutters "Bitch!!!")

Jim Bob. Come on Missy , don't make fun of his stuff....

Reporting from the Calif/Nevada Border. A woman with big feet...

Reporter: I am here at the Cal/Nevada border. earlier today, police were notified about strange sightings of a human looking like a drawned Rat with a little Big head boy, riding, what might have been a power pole or something like that....!!! Capt, what can you tell us about the sightings????

Police Capt: yes. We got our first report from a Missy and Jim Bob earlier. Boy!! that Missy is some looker...

Reporter: Yes, we know about that one, Who else reported the sightings???

policeman: Damn!! right she is!!!!!!

Capt: Ok, the next report was after 12noon. A Ms Dawsoncreek reported seeing a half naked ratman with a small big headed boy, racing down the HWY on a flash flood.

policeman: you know she drinks, don't ya????

Capt: not now Chet... As I was saying, she saw this half naked ratman with a small boy. She says it was yelling something and the little guy was just sitting there, waving at her...

Reporter: ok, then what???

Capt: Ms Dawsoncreek, said the man thing was trying to open a can of something, Smashing it against the log...

policeman: see I told you she drank!!!!! The nut case....

Reporter: ok, she drinks, go on capt.....

capt: She told us then suddenly He saw her, Scared the bejesus out of her. That thing, half naked waving and yelling something. I think throw food and a can opener...she told us...

Repoter: a can opener???

Capt: yes, Missy and Jim Bob told us they threw it treefitty in change and a can of spinach. Guess the poor Bastard could not get it opened.....

Reporter: oh, I see, what did Ms Dawsoncreek tell you next???

Capt: Well, being the kind hearted lady she is, she ran over to the kitchen and picked up a can of spam!!!..

Reporter: Span???

capt: Yes, span...

policeman: You know I hate that shuff. I would have done the same thing. Give it my span...

Capt: Ms Dawsoncreek, said she then loaded the span on a crossbow, tied to an arrow...

Reporter: A crossbow???

policeman: told ya she was nuts, and a drunk...

capt: Yes, a crossbow. the only way she could think of getting the span to the thing.

reporter: ok, now what did she do???

Capt: she said she shot it to the thing, but maybe had misjudged the distance, cause she hit the poor thing in the ass.

Policeman: Bet that had to hurt...laughing.

Reporter: My Gawd!!!!!

Capt: yes, she said the thing got really pissed. yelling and all. then she remembered the can opener. And tied it to another arrow.

Policeman: boy that Ms dawsoncreek is a dumb one...

Reporter: and then???

Capt: she shot it over to the thing, but he turned as she shot and it knocked him in the back of the head..

Policeman: yea, Ms Dawsoncreek said he went down like a lump of coal...snickering

Reporter: my Gawd. Was the thing ok???

Capt: Don't know, All she could tell us as they past by her place in the flash flood, was the little guy with the big head saying something and doing something with his hand.. while the thing was still down on the pole...

policeman: come on capt, Tell the reporter. Ms Dawsoncreek said the little guy was yelling "TIMMMMMMYYYYY" and flipping her the BIRD!!! Imagine that....

Reporter: Oh MY Gawd!!! well back to the studio. We will be following this story as it breaks

policeman: Is it true what they say about women with big feet???? snickering

Capt: oh shut up, Chet!!!!!

Reporting from the Grand Canyon, A man with a dress on...

reporter: Well, here earlier there was a report of something or someone riding a flash flood over the side of the Grand Canyon.

lady Tourist: The darnest thing I ever saw....

Reporter: Yes, tell us about it.

Lady; Well I saw this large Flash flood rushing to lookout point.

Reporter: yes.

lady: Well I saw this ugly, weird thing yelling and waving it's hands in the air. It seemed to be on a log or pole. His head was a funny shape, like it had been hit by alot of things.

Reporter: mmm like change, cans and a can opener???

lady: hell if I know. he was just jumping and yelling. he had this little big head kid with him. The little kid seemed to be smiling and waving it's hands. he was just having a good ole time.

reporter: yes!! we have heard of that little guy. What was the little one doing???

Lady: just enjoying itself. damn!!! But the big one was getting closer and I started to make out what he was saying...

Reporter:and that was??? Throw it some food???

Lady: Nope, it was throw me a rope, I think...

Reporter" you think???

lady: I think so.... so I just happen to have one in my backpack.....

Reporter: so you threw it to him???

Lady: hella yes I did. But shit!!! I over throw it. that poor thing jumped into the air and missed the rope.

Reporter: you blew the throw then, I take it..

lady: Welll, not really, I just over throw it. The weird thing was out of nowhere, a branch of a tree just then poked out of the water. and whacked that thing right in the balls. gawd!! I never saw such a horrible sight. He must have done four cartwheels and then hit his head on the log.

Reporter: damn!! that had to hurt...

Lady: it sured did...The poor thing went down grabbing his package... Hit his head real hard, but I don't think he even felt it.

Reporter: Damn!!! then what happened

Lady: By this time they were just passing me, getting ready to go over the rim of the Grand Canyon. I saw the little big head kid closer and that little BASTARD was flipping me off and yelling "Timmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"........

reporter: matches what we had heard from others....and???

Lady: Then as they were going over the rim, I saw the bigger one start to get up and look over the rim.. He then just looked up and joined the little big headed kid in flipping off something upward, maybe god, the bird and started to yell "TIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaa" and went over the rim and out of sigth. The poor bastards never had a chance.

reporter: Damn!!! so this ends the trail of the halfman/rat and little big headed kid. May they find peace and dry weather where ever they may end up. Now, I return you back to the studio...

Lady: are you gay or just a cross dresser sir???

Reporter: blank you lady.......suck on this!!!!!!

Bottom of the Grand Canyon.

"Gawd damn it!!!!!!"

Is heard under a pile of bushes..... Slowly a hand reaches skyward. In that hand is a small dirty big headed kid... hey, Timmy, you see anything? comes a voice from under the mess of ravished landscape..... "ARHHHHH", is the kid's answer... Slowly the thing pushes tree branches, shrubs and rocks out of it's way. A monster of dirt, leaves and knotty hair appears....Sheeesh!!! what a trip!!!!!!!! But damn!!!! my body is wrecked... A matter of fact "TIMMY" comes from the little kid......

Can you believe those rednecks, throwing all that crap at me....damn!!!!!

"LIVINGALIEaaaahhhhhhhg" answers the kid.... Now fully erect, the thing, now looks like a man, a man who needs a bath, haircut and medical attention BAD!!!!! Rubbing it's head then groaning as he bends over. Gawd, my nuts hurt....... "DUHHH"!!!!!! is all the little big headed kid can say....... Can you believe that ride, Timmy. Where the hell are we????? "TIMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY" shouts the kid... No shit!!!! Timmy, but now what????? looking up the massive walls of the canyon.....

"ARHHHHHHH" is the only reply given..... I wonder if work knows what happened to me??????

"DUHHHHHH" is Timmy's answer...... hey, gawd damn it!!! stop flipping me off you little BASTARD.....Again a matter of fact "TIMMY"!!! is the kids only response........ Slowly they both look upwards, the sun, a sight neither had seen in awhile, pokes it's face thur the clouds..... The warmth baths them both......The man closes his eyes, taking in the feel of the rays, a loud "Timmmmy" is heard in the distance from below......

From above the rim:

Old Jewish man: Martha, did you just hear something?????

Martha: no!!! why???

Old Jewish Man: you sure!!!!

Martha: Damnit!!! Marvin, yes!!! now put your hearing aid back in!!!

Old Jewish Man: But it is in......

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As they both turn away arguing, a soft "Timmmmy" is heard from below in the canyon..... falling on deaf ears