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Author: Lindsey Phillips
Title: Ricky Stoopid
Type of Work: short story
Source: CMv1 #13 (repeated in #16)

© Copyright 2002 Lindsey Phillips

June 269, 20522 (I think)

I was walking down a dark alley in Stupidity. Not the flavor, silly, the city. I, Ricky Stoopid, the
master of the sissies, and the ten time winner of the long awaited Idiot assembly (I don't know
what that is, but I won).
I was thinking about bumblebees. Their funny shape, their color, and I wondered why they tasted
like they did. I couldn't describe that taste, even though I eat them three times a day (quite by
accident of course). But directly in the middle of my search for bumbleality, a beard attacked me!
"AAAARGH!!!!!" I screamed," I wish you wouldn't do that!"
Andy Queerdid laughed. He started to say something, but was cut short by footsteps. A stick
figure, like us, stepped into the light.
"AAARGGH! He has no face!" Andy yelled. I screamed and fainted into his arms. This was my
favorite thing to do, but the evil-good-fiend Motchu said it was a sissy thing to do.
"Get off Ricky!"
Suddenly the stick figure spoke.
"Donde' estan los baños?" He said evilly.
"You stay away," I said with a burst of courage," and leave us alone!"
Then the stick figure got angry. He reached behind him and pulled out a very large piece of
pepperoni pizza.
"Oh no!" I said. I'm scared to death of pizza.
Andy laughed when he saw the look on my face. I was about to tell him of when the stick figure
threw the piece at the space between my eyes. I screamed, turned around, and ran into the brick
building behind me.
* * *
RRRGH! I couldn't remember what had happened. There were paramedics everywhere. Andy was
crying. Apparently, the pizza had hit his beard and they had to cut it off to take it to the
The ambulance roared away with me sill there. RRRGH!
"Ricky, how could you?" Andy sobbed," Now I'm beardless!"
I laughed. But Andy suddenly drew back.
"Ricky, behind you!"
The faceless stick figure grabbed me. I screamed. He began to drag me off. I looked to Andy
for help, but he shrugged and walked off, whistling. The stick figure spoke.
"You will die now. Make the world a better place."
"So you do speak English. Aha!"
"You didn't tell me where the bathroom was, so now I must kill you." He grabbed a spoon off a
trashcan. Then digged into the trash.
"Aha!" he said in triumph," I've found it." He pulled out a muzzle and put it on me. I couldn't
even RRRGH.
Then he got out an entire pizza. He mashed it into a bowl. Then began pouring it around me. But
there was something he didn't know about me. Something evil. Something dangerous. Instead of
brains, I have vocal chords. Bwa ha ha!!
I began to sing a song in the soprano section of a girls' choir I knew so well. I didn't need a
mouth. I could sing anyway.
"AAAAARGH!" the stick figure couldn't handle the high notes.
"I'm melting. Melting!" He began to shrink. But before he did, he pulled out a wire and
electrocuted me.
But there is something else he doesn't know about me. I DON'T DIE PERMANENTLY!!!!!!!! Ha ha
ha, he thinks he's won. But I'm back and he will pay. You can't stop me! I'm invincible!!!!
Wait! Get away from me with that toilet. Hey! RRRGH!