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Author: Lindsey Phillips
Title: untitled #2
Type of Work: fan fic script
Source: CMv1 #38

Copyright 2002 Lindsey Phillips

(Bus stop, Stan Cartman and Kenny are there already. Kyle comes up to them with Ike followed by a strange girl. Wears a shirt like Kyle's, but it's a dress, red hair)

Kyle: Hey guys.

(Stan Cartman and Kenny stare at Kyle and girl)

Stan: Who is that?

Kyle: Huh? Oh, that's my cousin Lindsey.

Cartman: Oh no, not another new kid!

Lindsey: I'm not a new kid fatass! I'm just visiting!

Stan: She seems fine to me!

Kyle: Lindsey, this is Stan, fat ass, uh, Cartman (AY!) and Kenny.

Lindsey: Damnit, fat ass, what did you eat for breakfast? A cow?

Cartman: AY! I'm not gonna take that s**t from a girl!

Stan: So where are you from?

Lindsey: California. Fresno, California.

Stan, Cartman & Kenny: GASP!

Kyle: What?

Stan: F-fresno?

Lindsey: Yes, what's wrong with Fresno dweeb?

Stan: Um, nothing.

Kyle: uh, the bus is coming.

Stan: You sit next to her Kyle.

Kyle: Hell no! Ike, you sit next to her.

Ike: Kenny.

Kyle: Kenny?

Kenny: {NO}

Kyle: Cartman?

Lindsey: Sit down fat ass!

(Cartman sits)

Lindsey: Honestly, you people!

Stan: How did she get here?

Kyle: She just turned up. Said she had run away from her town.

Stan: Whew.

Kyle: Is there something I need to know about Fresno?

Stan: Well… I suppose.

Kyle: What?

Stan: Well, Kyle, in Fresno, they all like N'Sync.

Kyle: WHAT?

Stan: They do! Cartman's mom told him!

Kyle: Oh no!

Stan: Do you think she does?

Kyle: Should I ask her?

Stan: Go ahead.

Kyle: Um, Lindsey?

Lindsey: What, greenhatboy?

Kyle: Do-do you like N' Sync?

Lindsey: HELL NO! WHY DO YOU THINK THAT?!?!?!!?!??!!?!??!?!?!?!

Kyle: Um, just asking. Whew.

Stan: Close one.

(school, lunchtime, cafeteria, I'm, sick, of, typing)

Chef: Hello children.

Boys: Hey chef.

Lindsey: Uh, hi Chef.

Chef: Kyle? Who is this? Did you finally get your cloning underway?

Lindsey and Kyle: WHAT?

Lindsey: Hell, I'm not Kyle's clone!

Lindsey and Kyle: I'd shoot myself if I looked anything like him/her.

(they stop talking)

Kyle: She's my cousin.

Chef: Oh.

Cartman: Lindsey, are you going to eat all of your hamburger?

Lindsey: no fatass, you can have it.

Cartman: Thanks, and don't call me fat!

Lindsey: Sorry assmaster.

Stan: Dude how long is this going to go on?

Kyle (looks at watch): Uh, I don't know, about twenty more minuets.

Stan: NO! I mean how long is your stupid cousin going to stay here?

Kyle: I don't know, a week? A day?

(Lindsey is throwing her ice cream at Cartman)

Cartman: AY! What was that for?

Lindsey: I thought you'd be the one to start a food fight. It's easy in Fresno.

Kids: GASP!

Lindsey: Oh, not this N' Sync crap! I HATE N' SYNC! DOES IT LOOK LIKE I LIKE FAGS?

(kids start talking again)

Lindsey: Damnit, everyone here is so stupid!

(next day, Kyle comes to the bus stop w/ Ike, Lindsey, and another kid who is wearing exactly what he is but he doesn't have a hat on)

Stan: Kyle?

Kyle: What?

Cartman: How many people are at your house?

Kyle: Everyone, this is Robert.

Stan: Do I know you from somewhere…?

Robert: I doubt it, I'm from Florida.

Stan: Oh.

Cartman: Jesus, Kyle, what is going on?

Kyle: Nothing! I don't know!

(next day, Lindsey, Kyle, Robert, Eric, Smith, Jones, and Ike show up.)


Kyle: NOTHING STAN! THEY JUST KEEP COMING OKAY? I can't stand this! Five of them were in my room last night! It's driving me insane!

Stan: Ok calm down dude, there has to be an explanation for this!

(next day, Robert Eric Smith Jones Kyle Bran Lindsey Ike Joey Tanya Holly Ricky and Poopenia. Kyle doesn't look like he got much sleep at all)

Kyle: I swear, if I see one more me, I'm gonna KILL SOMEBODY!

Cartman: Kyle, I'm seriously, this is freaking me out.


Stan: Oh man, I don't like this.

(that night Kyle is over at Stan's house along with Lindsey)

Stan: Are you sure these people really are your relatives.

Kyle: I know Lindsey is, but the rest I've never heard of.

Lindsey: Ah, but I know what they are!

Stan: What?

Lindsey: Kyle, it's hard to break it to you, but there are a lot of Kyle's out there.

Kyle: I sorta realized that!

Lindsey: They are taking over the world.

Kyle: What?

Lindsey: You are part of a cult. You have for a long time. So am I.

Kyle: A-a cult?

Lindsey: They are taking over the world, they have a sick sense of taste like us…

Kyle: HEY!

Lindsey: And they want us to go to South America, where they gather in the forests, well camouflaged in green and orange. That's why they're here. That's why they keep coming. To take us to South America!

Stan: Bullsh*t.

Kyle: Stan, you saw the others. They are just like me!

Lindsey: They have over ridden Fresno, which is why I came here. To warn you. But your immensely fat friend stalled me.

Kyle: How?

Lindsey: He struck up a conversation about N' Sync

Kyle and Stan: Ooh.

Lindsey: When I got out, I went to your house, but it was too late. Robert had arrived.

Stan: Waait a minuet! Robert Eric Smith Jones Kyle Bran! It makes sense!

Kyle: What?

Stan: I remember them! They turned you into a drone before, remember?

Lindsey: That must be how they found you!

Kyle: But… it can't be… I DIDN'T JOIN A CULT!

(knock on door.)

Sharon: Uh, Kyle, a friend wants to talk to you.

Jeff: Come here Kyle.

Kyle: No! I'm not coming with you!

Lindsey: You'll never take us alive! AAAAAUGH!

(they run home and hide in the basement)

Kyle: Damnit! What are we gonna do?

Lindsey: Kyle, you realize that by hiding in the basement, we're trapped.

Kyle: S**t damnit f**king bitch rrrgh!

Tonya: Helloo, anytone down there?

Kyle: Did she just say "anytone"?

Lindsey: Shut up and hide!

Gerald: Kyle, are you down there?

Sheila: Come upstairs and welcome your new guests.

Kyle: My what?

Gerald: Brian and Dancia are here.

Kyle: FINE!

(goes upstairs. Kyle's dad opens the door. Hundreds of Kyle's are standing there)

Sheila: What what what?

Lindsey: Oh crap!

Josephine: You're coming with us!

Kyle: F**k this is really bad.

(next day at bus stop. The other three are standing there when Ike comes along.)

Stan: Where's Kyle?

Ike: Cookie Monster.

Stan: He's-he's gone!

Ike: calgondown

Stan: Ike, did they take Kyle to South America?

Ike: OndonSoumpherca.

Stan: We have to find them! Come on, Cartman and Kenny, we have to go to his house!

(Kyle's house)

Sheila: Hello boys, aren't you supposed to be in school?

Stan: Where's Kyle?

Sheila: Oh Kyle and Lindsey are going on a trip to visit their little friends in South America.

Stan: Oh no!

Sheila: You can come talk to them if you'd like.

Stan: Uh, okay.

(goes inside house)

Kenny: {holy s**t!}

Cartman: Whoa!

Sheila: He's upstairs in Ike's room.

(Kids walk upstairs where about 20 Kyles are. Go into Ike's room.)

Stan: Kyle?

Kyle: Stan! It's all arranged! I'm going to South America. My parents think it's just a vacation.

Cartman: Seriously Kyle this is really lame. Why don't you just tell your parents the truth?

Kyle: What? That I am a small part of a cult that is rounding up many versions of myself to take to a foreign country and eventually snatch what our Earth holds dear?

Cartman: Yes.

Kyle: Dude they're not gonna believe that!

Sheila: Kyle bubbie it's time to go! Send a post card.

Kyle: Oh man! Listen you guys. Exactly twelve hours from now devise a plan to come to South America and help Lindsey and me. As soon as you get there, wear these!

(hands them clothes like his own)

Cartman: Hey there is no way I'm wearing green and orange at the same time!

Kyle: It's the only way!

Sheila: KYLE!

Kyle: Coming ma! Goodbye you guys.


Cartman: Man, I'm going home and getting some pie!

Stan: You can't fatass, we have to help Kyle!

Cartman: I don't care! I WANT PIE!

Stan: You might never see him again!

Kenny: {I don't wanna go to South America.}

Stan: You totally wussed out last time!

Kenny: {I don't care!}

Stan: Fine. Stay here! I'm going to help them!

Kenny: {Damnit now you're making me feel all guilty! I'm going!}

(South America)

Kyle 15749 (points to Kyle 99163, which is Kyle Broflovski): You. Step away from any other Kyles!

Lindsey: No way!

Kyle: 15749: Step away from each other and any other Kyles please!

(Kyles come and drag Lindsey off)

Lindsey: Sons of Bitches!

Kyle: Damn.

(Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are on a plane coming to South America)

Stan: I hope we're not too late!

Cartman & Kenny: ({) who cares? (})

Stan: We have to wear Kyle's stuff now. We don't have much time!

Cartman: Fine get it over with.

(South America)

Kyle 14728: Time to go underground, Kyle 99163.

Kyle: What? Underground?

Kyle 14728: In case someone comes looking for us.

Kyle: Damn why didn't I think of this before?

(drag him underground. Meanwhile, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny arrive wearing Kyle's stuff)

Stan: They're not here.

Cartman: What? You dragged me here for no purpose?

Stan: I don't believe it! We have to find them!

Cartman: Look, there's a trap door.

(Stan pulls it open, leading to a room filled with Kyles)

Stan: Uh, sorry we're late. Our, uh, parents were holding us back.

(Kyles don't pat attention)

Cartman: How can we find him?

Stan: Look for his hat.

Kenny: {There's Lindsey!}

(Lindsey is busy flipping off Bran.)

Stan: Lindsey!

Lindsey: Stan? You made it!

Stan: Where's Kyle?

Lindsey: They took him away. I think they are going to drone him now.

Cartman: Sweet.


Kenny:{ha ha you sound like Kyle!}

Lindsey: Die you orange smut!

(Lindsey attacks and kills Kenny)

Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Everyone: YOU BASTARD!

Stan: AAH!

Lindsey: We've gotta keep looking!

Cartman: This sucks. I can't stand to be around so many Kyle's much longer!

Stan: Well you'll have to.

Lindsey: Look there's his hat! Go towards it!

(they follow the hat. Kyle is tied to a wall, and a bunch of other Kyle's are worshiping him)

Lindsey: What's going on?

Kyle: They-they're worshiping my hat!

Kyle 96854: This hat has special powers. We cannot touch it. Kyle 45280 did and his cloths turned blue, brown, and red!

Cartman & Lindsey: GASP!

Stan: So?

Lindsey: Kyle, you have to get down from there! You must kill yourselves!

Kyle: Huh? Oh! Ok. Um, my hat commands you to let me down!

Kyle 26193: Yes, Kyle, let him down!

(they let him down)

Stan: Dude, this is pretty f**ked up right here!

Kyle: Now what?

Cartman: I don't know, use your hat powers!

Kyle: My hat doesn't have any powers!

Stan: Well do something!

Kyle: My hat commands you, uh, to kill each other!

(They start killing each other and then advance on Stan)

Kyle: My hat doesn't want you to touch Stan or Lindsey.

Cartman: AY!

Kyle: Let's get out of here!

(they run towards the trap door, and leave.)

Kyle: This was an easier fix to get out of than I thought.

(at home)

Sheila: Kyle, back so soon?

Kyle: Yeah, uh, it was too crowded.

Sheila: Oh.

Stan: Damnit I want to go home.

Cartman: I swear if I ever see Kyle again I am going to puke!

Stan: Yeah.

Lindsey: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that it gets tougher and tougher to be an individual, and if you are, then a million clones of yourself will come and take you to a foreign country and worship your hat.

Kyle: Yeah.

Stan: So what are you going to do now, Lindsey?

Lindsey: Do? I'm going home to boring Fresno California and beat up anytone who talks about N' Sync!

(Lindsey walks away)

Kyle: Did she just say "anytone"?